By Patrick Cassels and David Young
INT. OFFICE (BY JOSH RUBEN'S DESK) -- PRAISE HIM! DAVID and PAT are hanging out at SARAH's desk. David, with a flourish, pulls a playing card from a DECK. DAVID Is THIS your card? PAT That wasn't-- you didn't even ask me to pick one, man. GANGSTER (V.O.) Yo, young! WHIP to a GANGSTER and his THUG. Both wear tough street clothes. GANGSTER You and me got unfinished business. SARAH David, do you know these guys? DAVID Kind of. It's stupid. It-- GANGSTER Stupid?! Your boy killed my kid sister in a drive by. SARAH (genuine-as-shit) Oh my God! When? DAVID Who even remembers? GANGSTER It was yesterday afternoon. David stands. We're in a face-off now! DAVID Look, I know we said no family, I'm sorry. But I didn't start this war. GANGSTER Nah, see? I'm gonna make you pay. He lifts his shirt, revealing a HANDGUN tucked in his waist. Sarah, Pat and Dave gasp, terrified. They raise their hands. CLOSE on the gun. PAN to the other side of the gangster's waist to reveal the tip of his BONER also tucked into his jeans. Pat, Sarah and Dave are grossed out. DAVID Do- do you have a boner? GANGSTER (laughs) Psh, yeah right! (to Thug 1) You believe this clown? PAT No, he's right. GANGSTER What did you say to me?! PAT (flinching) Sorry! But... it looks like you have a boner tucked up into the waist of your pants. I can see the tip of your penis. GANGSTER I don't have a boner okay? SARAH Show us. GANGSTER Hm? SARAH Show us. He carefully lifts his shirt, revealing only his gun. SARAH The other side. GANGSTER Hm? SARAH THE OTHER S-- He quickly lifts the other side, momentarily-but-unmistakeably revealing his boner again. More groans. SARAH Yes! That's the tip of your boner! GANGSTER I have a boner, okay? DAVID Why? GANGSTER It was bumpy on the ride over here. And I got a boner. And I didn't want my homies to find out. So I tucked my boner. PAT Why didn't you just wait for it to go away? GANGSTER I sat in the parking lot for an hour and a half. Shut up, okay? Gangster reaches toward his gun. GANGSTER Now, just for embarrassing me, I'm gonna shoot all three of you, okay? DAVID You're grabbing your boner. GANGSTER (looks down; surprised) Oh shi-, I am. SARAH Maybe you should compose yourself and come back another time. GANGSTER SHUT UP. Think I'm gonna let one boner stop me? Nah, I brought backup. Yo, Killer! A RIPPED ENFORCER rounds the corner. He's holding a TEXTBOOK (clearly marked "Calculus") over his groin. ENFORCER It's killin' time! He hobbles toward David awkwardly. David points down. DAVID This guy's got a boner, too. ENFORCER (stops; fighting tears) My body's changing! GANGSTER Why you guys gotta be so mean, okay? You don't know what it's like on the streets. Out there if you get a boner everyone laughs at you. DAVID Yeah, that would happen anywhere. (catching the giggles) I mean, you tucked the tip of your boner into your waistband. Pat and Sarah start laughing. PAT Who does that? More people join in, laughing and pointing at Gangster. GANGSTER Everyone shut up, okay? Just-- (to Thug and Enforcer) Let's get out of here, guys. They start walking away, awkwardly and in shame. Suddenly, Gangster stops. GANGSTER Oh, wait. I have a gun. The Gangster pulls his gun and points it at David. Everyone stops laughing, starts screaming and running. On this mayhem we END.