At least we turned off our cellphones.
By Sam Reich, Patrick Cassels, Amir Blumenfeld, Streeter Seidell, Sarah Schneider, Ben Joseph and Susanna Wolff
The epic Harry Potter THEME blasts over a low-key LEGEND: "Overheard During Movies: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. INT. MOVIE THEATER -- DURING "HARRY POTTER 7, PART II" LIGHTS GO DOWN as PAT and STREET take their seats. A FLICKERING LIGHT from O.C. indicates the film. The spooky opening MUSIC rises. STREET Man, I'm so PUMMMPED for this film! PAT So you've seen all of them? STREET Nah, but I'll be able to keep up. (sits) Now, what is "magic?" CUT TO ELSEWHERE IN THE THEATER. DAVID and SARAH watch. DAVID (re: screen; nostalgic) I can't believe how quickly he's grown. SARAH Yup, Harry's not a kid anymore. DAVID No, I meant Snape. It's like Alan Rickman was only just 55 yesterday. ELSEWHERE IN THE THEATER. AMIR and JOSH are also watching the movie. Amir sighs. AMIR I miss Dobby. Josh nods sympathetically. An oddly long beat. JOSH Really. AMIR Nope. JOSH Me neither. CUT TO Street and Pat. STREETER (uncomfortable) These money-hungry long-nosed bankers who crave money, don't you think they're kind of.. like... negative stereotypes of... PAT Goblins, totally. STREETER No, I- PAT GOBLINS. They're just Goblins. STREET (pointing at screen) Okay, that one just called Harry a "putz." CUT TO Sarah and David. SARAH (excited) Whoa! Dragon security system! That is so-- DAVID Impractical? SARAH (realizing it) Yeah locks would be so much easier. CUT TO Amir and Josh. AMIR (scared) Oh my God! I think Snape's dead! JOSH No, he's just between syllables in the word "equally." CUT TO Pat and Street. STREET (smiling) Okay, same time. I would want to bone: Ginny! PAT (IN UNISON WITH STREET) Neville! STREET What? PAT (nervous/busted) Huh? Wait, no. You said... CUT TO Sarah and David. Sarah is in serious tears. SARAH OHMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER! TEN YEARS! HARRY! RON! DAVID (politely excusing himself) I'm gonna go to the concession stand. SARAH (instantly stops crying) Ooo! Can you get me a medium Cherry Coke and Buncha Crunches? CUT TO Amir and Josh. AMIR Wow, so Snape joined Voldemort to help Dumbledore! JOSH Of course! Now: why was he a dick to Harry for seven years? CUT TO David and Sarah. SARAH Aw, Snape had his heartbroken. (beat; then, eureka) Wait... SARAH & DAVID That's why he's emo! CUT TO Pat and Street. PAT You know, if I were one of Voldemort's followers, I'd just walk behind one of those giant trolls until the fight was over. (crosses his arms; smug) I'd be such a good Death Eater. CUT TO Sarah and David. SARAH & DAVID NOOO! NOT THE QUIDDITCH FIELD!!! CUT TO Amir and Josh. AMIR (to movie) Oops, Harry. You dropped your magic stone that can bring everyone back to life. Um, should probably... JOSH Yeah, Harry! You for sure want to keep that. Hey, Harry! You accidentally dropped your...! CUT TO Street and Pat. Street looks confused. STREET I'm so lost. Who-? PAT Fenrir Grayback and the Snatchers. STREET What-? PAT The resurrection stone hidden in a snitch. STREET Why? PAT Because JK Rowling couldn't think of a good ending. CUT TO David and Sarah. DAVID Wow. So much death. SARAH Totally. They are going to have SO many assemblys to talk about how everyone's feelings. CUT TO Amir and Josh. JOSH So they all stayed in London for the next 19 years of their life and Ron has a gut? AMIR Right. JOSH What's the point of becoming a wizard? CUT TO Sarah and David. DAVID Is it weird that I'm more attracted to 40-year-old Hermione than high school Hermione. SARAH No, it's weird that you'd think that was weird. CUT TO Pat and Street. Street's still confused. STREET How-? PAT Because Harry Potter had part of Voldermort. STREET But then what-? PAT (sighs) Man, we didn't even come here together. Who are you? END.