From CH Staff on
Learning is fundamental, bitch.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Shorts
By Kevin Corrigan and Jeff Rubin
BREAKING NYE TRAILER AKA BILL NYE THE CRIMINAL GUY INT. DOCTORS OFFICE BILL NYE (always wearing a bow tie) sits in a doctors office looking worried. The DOCTOR holds a clipboard. Bill Nye takes a deep breath. BILL NYE (trembling) How - how is that possible? DOCTOR Were you ever around any harmful chemicals, or involved in any kooky science demonstrations? CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN Bill Nye and his wife Skyler are sitting at the kitchen table, having a somber conversation. BILL NYE I have lung cancer SKYLER Wh-what? Bill Nye leaps up, produces a balloon out of thin air, and wraps it around the faucet. He explains... BILL NYE Cancer. Let's say this balloon is my lung, and the water is my cells. The cells have begun to mutate, and divide uncontrollably. Bill Nye turns on the water BILL NYE (CONT'D) Right now those harmful cells are confined to my lungs, but.. Bill Nye grabs a pin. BILL NYE (CONT'D) Eventually they're going to "metastasize," or spread throughout my body. Bill Nye pops the balloon. BILL NYE (CONT'D) Wetting my insides or, in medical terms, causing my organs to fail. And now that everything's wet... Bill takes an intentional fall. He lands to the sound of crashing pans. Bill continues from the floor.. BILL NYE (CONT'D) Things are going to get much worse much faster. Skyler breaks down crying. Bill gets up to comfort her. BILL NYE Don't worry. I'll make sure you're taken care of. CUT TO: INT. FAST FOOD CHICKEN RESTAURANT Bill Nye is talking to a yet-to-be-revealed partner. BILL NYE I've got a way to make a lot of money, but the science is really cool, and I'm going to need your help. JESSE (Off Screen) 50-50. A hand reaches in to shake, Bill grabs out. Wider shot then reveals he was talking to an 8-year-old. BILL NYE You see Jesse, we're going to be rich because our customers will be addicts. JESSE Addicts? WHIP TO: EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY The conversation continues without missing a beat. Bill is in front of a tandem bike. BILL NYE You see Jesse an addict is like a bicycle. Right now the bike is standing still and doing just fine, but if we give it a pedal... We see a few seconds of old-timey bike race stock footage and hear bike bike bells and horns, then... WHIP TO: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET Bill and Jesse are now riding the bike. Bill wears a helmet and aviator goggles, Jesse wears no protection. BILL NYE ...it builds momentum, which makes it harder and harder to stop! On "stop," Bill loses control of the bike. The camera stays on the street as Bill and Jesse veer off screen. We hear a crash, which sounds like the pots from earlier. Random junk, including Bill's helmet, is thrown in from the side. We now see Jesse and Bill underneath the crashed bike. They're both in pain, though Bill is cartoonishly dazed. BILL NYE ... Just like the bike, our customers will become addicted to our peddling. CUT TO: INT. RV METH LAB Bill and Jesse stand in an RV full of assorted flasks and tubes full of colored liquids and powders. Bill wears a chef's hat and tosses a pizza dough in the air. BILL NYE Making methamphetamine is a lot like making a pizza, Jesse. You start with three household ingredients, and combine them to make something better. Bill tosses the dough in the air. It doesn't come down. Bill starts mixing the flasks. BILL NYE Instead of dough, tomatoes and cheese, we're using phosphorous, iodine, and pseudoephedrine. And our "oven" is a series of catalysts and reducing agents. JESSE What about some pepperoni on that bitch? With a splat, the dough lands on Bill's head. Bill lifts it back, uncovering his face. BILL NYE (stern) Jesse, try to understand. We're not just making cheese pizza, we're making the best cheese pizza in the whole goddamn county. CUT TO: EXT RV, DESERT Police cars with flashing sirens are in the distance. Bill Nye stands in the middle of the road holding a gun. He's wearing a button down shirt, bow tie, tighty whiteys, socks and shoes. No pants. Jesse gestures at Bill's weapon. JESSE We gotta run man, what do you think you're doing with that thing? BILL NYE Jesse, this isn't just a "thing." It's a 9 millimeter semi-automatic handgun... OF SCIENCE! TITLE CARD "Bill Nye the Criminal Guy" is sung over the logo in the style of the actual Bill Nye theme song. POST HUH Brief shot of a Mexican Mariachi band singing in Spanish about Bill's exploits.