Bill Nye in Breaking Bad

By

Kevin Corrigan and Jeff Rubin

          BREAKING NYE TRAILER AKA BILL NYE THE CRIMINAL GUY

          INT. DOCTORS OFFICE

          BILL NYE (always wearing a bow tie) sits in a doctors office
          looking worried. The DOCTOR holds a clipboard. Bill Nye
          takes a deep breath.

                              BILL NYE
                         (trembling)
                    How - how is that possible?

                              DOCTOR
                    Were you ever around any harmful
                    chemicals, or involved in any kooky
                    science demonstrations?

          CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN

          Bill Nye and his wife Skyler are sitting at the kitchen
          table, having a somber conversation.

                              BILL NYE
                    I have lung cancer

                              SKYLER
                    Wh-what?

          Bill Nye leaps up, produces a balloon out of thin air, and
          wraps it around the faucet. He explains...

                              BILL NYE
                    Cancer. Let's say this balloon is
                    my lung, and the water is my cells.
                    The cells have begun to mutate, and
                    divide uncontrollably.

          Bill Nye turns on the water

                              BILL NYE (CONT'D)
                    Right now those harmful cells are
                    confined to my lungs, but..

          Bill Nye grabs a pin.

                              BILL NYE (CONT'D)
                    Eventually they're going to
                    "metastasize," or spread throughout
                    my body.

          Bill Nye pops the balloon.

                              BILL NYE (CONT'D)
                    Wetting my insides or, in medical
                    terms, causing my organs to fail.
                    And now that everything's wet...

          Bill takes an intentional fall. He lands to the sound of
          crashing pans. Bill continues from the floor..

                              BILL NYE (CONT'D)
                    Things are going to get much worse
                    much faster.

          Skyler breaks down crying. Bill gets up to comfort her.

                              BILL NYE
                    Don't worry. I'll make sure you're
                    taken care of.

          CUT TO: INT. FAST FOOD CHICKEN RESTAURANT

          Bill Nye is talking to a yet-to-be-revealed partner.

                              BILL NYE
                    I've got a way to make a lot of
                    money, but the science is really
                    cool, and I'm going to need your
                    help.

                              JESSE
                         (Off Screen)
                    50-50.

          A hand reaches in to shake, Bill grabs out. Wider shot then
          reveals he was talking to an 8-year-old.

                              BILL NYE
                    You see Jesse, we're going to be
                    rich because our customers will be
                    addicts.

                              JESSE
                    Addicts?

          WHIP TO: EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY

          The conversation continues without missing a beat. Bill is
          in front of a tandem bike.

                              BILL NYE
                    You see Jesse an addict is like a
                    bicycle. Right now the bike is
                    standing still and doing just fine,
                    but if we give it a pedal...

          We see a few seconds of old-timey bike race stock footage
          and hear bike bike bells and horns, then...

          WHIP TO: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET

          Bill and Jesse are now riding the bike. Bill wears a helmet
          and aviator goggles, Jesse wears no protection.

                              BILL NYE
                    ...it builds momentum, which makes
                    it harder and harder to stop!

          On "stop," Bill loses control of the bike. The camera stays
          on the street as Bill and Jesse veer off screen. We hear a
          crash, which sounds like the pots from earlier. Random junk,
          including Bill's helmet, is thrown in from the side.

          We now see Jesse and Bill underneath the crashed bike.
          They're both in pain, though Bill is cartoonishly dazed.

                              BILL NYE
                    ... Just like the bike, our
                    customers will become addicted to
                    our peddling.

          CUT TO: INT. RV METH LAB

          Bill and Jesse stand in an RV full of assorted flasks and
          tubes full of colored liquids and powders. Bill wears a
          chef's hat and tosses a pizza dough in the air.

                              BILL NYE
                    Making methamphetamine is a lot
                    like making a pizza, Jesse. You
                    start with three household
                    ingredients, and combine them to
                    make something better.

          Bill tosses the dough in the air. It doesn't come down. Bill
          starts mixing the flasks.

                              BILL NYE
                    Instead of dough, tomatoes and
                    cheese, we're using phosphorous,
                    iodine, and pseudoephedrine. And
                    our "oven" is a series of catalysts
                    and reducing agents.

                              JESSE
                    What about some pepperoni on that
                    bitch?

          With a splat, the dough lands on Bill's head. Bill lifts it
          back, uncovering his face.

                              BILL NYE
                         (stern)
                    Jesse, try to understand. We're not
                    just making cheese pizza, we're
                    making the best cheese pizza in the
                    whole goddamn county.

          CUT TO: EXT RV, DESERT

          Police cars with flashing sirens are in the distance. Bill
          Nye stands in the middle of the road holding a gun. He's
          wearing a button down shirt, bow tie, tighty whiteys, socks
          and shoes. No pants. Jesse gestures at Bill's weapon.

                              JESSE
                    We gotta run man, what do you think
                    you're doing with that thing?

                              BILL NYE
                    Jesse, this isn't just a "thing."
                    It's a 9 millimeter semi-automatic
                    handgun... OF SCIENCE!

          TITLE CARD

          "Bill Nye the Criminal Guy" is sung over the logo in the
          style of the actual Bill Nye theme song.

          POST HUH

          Brief shot of a Mexican Mariachi band singing in Spanish
          about Bill's exploits.