Overheard at Cowboys & Aliens

By

CollegeHumor

          The twangy COWBOYS & ALIENS theme plays over black.

          SLAM: "Overheard At The Movies"

          SLAM: "Cowboys & Aliens"

          INT. MOVIE THEATER

          PAT, ROSIE and MURPH enter. They're PSYCHED.

                              MURPH
                    This movie is going to RULE. The
                    Cowboys are gonna be all like,
                    "Yee-ha!"

                              PAT
                    Yeah, and the aliens are gonna be
                    all like, "Roar!"

                              ROSIE
                    And Daniel Craig's gonna be all
                    like...

          He makes a very abstract "Daniel Craig sound." They sit.

                              RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER
                    Are you guys gonna talk this much
                    during the movie?

                              PAT/ROSIE/MURPH
                    Probably.

          LIGHTS DOWN.

          ELSEWHERE, DAVID and SARAH watch the movie. Sarah GROANS.

                              SARAH
                    Where are the aliens? So far it's
                    just "Cowboys & Cowboys."

                              DAVID
                    We're still in the opening credits.

                              SARAH
                    MORE ALIENS.

          ELSEWHERE, JOSH and DAN. Dan touches his upper lip.

                              DAN
                    Is that Paul Dano's prop
                    dirt-stache or his real
                    dirt-stache?

                              JOSH
                    Real dirt-stache.

                              DAN
                         (long beat; then, deadpan)
                    Ew.

          CUT TO Pat, Murph and Rosie.

                              PAT
                    Daniel Craig might be the only
                    actor in the world who looks weird
                    when he smiles.

                              MURPH
                    Look out, he just overheard an
                    amusing anecdote.

          BEAT. All three guys shift uncomfortably, in unison.

          CUT TO Sarah & David. She leans back in her chair.

                              SARAH
                    Ugh. Wake me up when the bracelet
                    starts beeping again.

                              DAVID
                         (laughing)
                    Yeah, I know. It's like--
                         (turns to Sarah)
                    Sarah? S-sarah?

          Sarah really is STONE-COLD SLEEPING.

          CUT TO Josh and Dan. Josh stares in silence for a BEAT.

                              JOSH
                    When are they going to let Harrison
                    Ford wear his earring in a movie?

          CUT TO Rosie, Pat and Murph.

                              ROSIE
                    Why are the aliens abducting
                    everyone?

                              MURPH
                         (stoic)
                    They're studying us, dude. Learning
                    humans' greatest weakness: being
                    shot and stabbed.

          CUT TO Sarah and David.

                              DAVID
                    Come on! Olivia Wilde is just
                    wearing that cowboy hat 'cause she
                    knows she looks hot in it--

          Sarah opens her mouth to respond.

                              DAVID
                    --No, I'm not complaining.

          CUT TO Josh and Dan.

                              JOSH
                    Did Sam Rockwell just tell that guy
                    to "go bake some beans?"

                              DAN
                    That's what you say to someone
                    dressed like a cowboy in 2011.
                         (ALT.)
                    That's what you say to a
                    trick-or-treater dressed like a
                    cowboy in 2011.

          CUT TO Sarah and David. They tremble in fear.

                              DAVID
                    No n-no no no. Riverboats aren't
                    supposed to be upside down...

                              SARAH & DAVID
                    RIVERBOATS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE
                    UPSIDE-DOWN!!!

          CUT TO Rosie, Pat and Murph.

                              PAT
                    Alien stomach-hands, cool! If I had
                    those, I would high five myself all
                    the time.

          Murph, expressionless, nods in agreement. Rosie, deadpan:

                              ROSIE
                    You know you can do that now,
                    right?

          CUT TO Josh and Dan.

                              JOSH
                    Whoa! Olivia Wilde, naked.

                              DAN
                    Yeah, that was actually in Harrison
                    Ford's contract. And Daniel
                    Craig's, and Jon Favreau's, and--

          CUT TO Sarah and David.

                              SARAH
                         (with a smart chuckle)
                    The aliens just want gold. Typical.
                         (beat, then)
                    Wait, no it's not. That makes no
                    sense.

          CUT TO Josh and Dan.

                              JOSH
                    They know Cash-for-Gold is a scam,
                    right?

                              DAN
                    Cash for Gold is a scam?

          CUT TO David and Sarah.

                              DAVID
                    Note to Aliens: Don't leave your
                    deadly laser bracelets lying open
                    next to your prisoners.

          Sarah nods, gives David a lame low-five.

          CUT TO Rosie, Pat and Murph.

                              PAT
                    Jesus, Harrison Ford gets grouchier
                    and grouchier with every movie.

                              MURPH
                    He sounds like a flesh heap that
                    makes broken muffler noises.

                              ROSIE
                    He sounds like a lawnmower going
                    over a pile of rocks.

          CUT TO Sarah and David.

                              SARAH
                    Ah, I love a man who stops thinking
                    when he kisses me. Seriously, like
                    his brain becomes inactive.

          CUT TO Josh and Dan.

                              JOSH
                    Thank God. Harrison Ford saved his
                    son.

                              DAN
                    But his son is a horrible person.

                              JOSH
                    Oh, right. What about the Indian? I
                    actually cared about him.

                              DAN
                    He died.

                              JOSH
                    What about my hopes for this movie?

                              DAN
                    They died, too.

          CUT TO Rosie, Pat and Murph.

                              PAT
                         (still re: Ford)
                    He's like a bag of rusty tools
                    thrown down a basement staircase.

          CUT TO David & Sarah.

                              SARAH
                    He's like a grizzly bear stuck in
                    traffic.

                              DAVID
                    He's like Clint Eastwood using a
                    broken blender.

          CUT TO Josh & Dan. LIGHTS UP. Josh sits, dumbstruck.

                              DAN
                    Looks like everything worked out!

                              JOSH
                    Harrison Ford's son is lobotomized,
                    and everyone seems fine with it.

                              DAN
                         (oblivious)
                    Yup, a happy ending for all.
                         (looks at watch)
                    Shall we to the 11:30 Smurfs?

          END.