From CH Staff on
We talk through movies so you don't have to.Subscribe to
The twangy COWBOYS & ALIENS theme plays over black. SLAM: "Overheard At The Movies" SLAM: "Cowboys & Aliens" INT. MOVIE THEATER PAT, ROSIE and MURPH enter. They're PSYCHED. MURPH This movie is going to RULE. The Cowboys are gonna be all like, "Yee-ha!" PAT Yeah, and the aliens are gonna be all like, "Roar!" ROSIE And Daniel Craig's gonna be all like... He makes a very abstract "Daniel Craig sound." They sit. RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER Are you guys gonna talk this much during the movie? PAT/ROSIE/MURPH Probably. LIGHTS DOWN. ELSEWHERE, DAVID and SARAH watch the movie. Sarah GROANS. SARAH Where are the aliens? So far it's just "Cowboys & Cowboys." DAVID We're still in the opening credits. SARAH MORE ALIENS. ELSEWHERE, JOSH and DAN. Dan touches his upper lip. DAN Is that Paul Dano's prop dirt-stache or his real dirt-stache? JOSH Real dirt-stache. DAN (long beat; then, deadpan) Ew. CUT TO Pat, Murph and Rosie. PAT Daniel Craig might be the only actor in the world who looks weird when he smiles. MURPH Look out, he just overheard an amusing anecdote. BEAT. All three guys shift uncomfortably, in unison. CUT TO Sarah & David. She leans back in her chair. SARAH Ugh. Wake me up when the bracelet starts beeping again. DAVID (laughing) Yeah, I know. It's like-- (turns to Sarah) Sarah? S-sarah? Sarah really is STONE-COLD SLEEPING. CUT TO Josh and Dan. Josh stares in silence for a BEAT. JOSH When are they going to let Harrison Ford wear his earring in a movie? CUT TO Rosie, Pat and Murph. ROSIE Why are the aliens abducting everyone? MURPH (stoic) They're studying us, dude. Learning humans' greatest weakness: being shot and stabbed. CUT TO Sarah and David. DAVID Come on! Olivia Wilde is just wearing that cowboy hat 'cause she knows she looks hot in it-- Sarah opens her mouth to respond. DAVID --No, I'm not complaining. CUT TO Josh and Dan. JOSH Did Sam Rockwell just tell that guy to "go bake some beans?" DAN That's what you say to someone dressed like a cowboy in 2011. (ALT.) That's what you say to a trick-or-treater dressed like a cowboy in 2011. CUT TO Sarah and David. They tremble in fear. DAVID No n-no no no. Riverboats aren't supposed to be upside down... SARAH & DAVID RIVERBOATS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE UPSIDE-DOWN!!! CUT TO Rosie, Pat and Murph. PAT Alien stomach-hands, cool! If I had those, I would high five myself all the time. Murph, expressionless, nods in agreement. Rosie, deadpan: ROSIE You know you can do that now, right? CUT TO Josh and Dan. JOSH Whoa! Olivia Wilde, naked. DAN Yeah, that was actually in Harrison Ford's contract. And Daniel Craig's, and Jon Favreau's, and-- CUT TO Sarah and David. SARAH (with a smart chuckle) The aliens just want gold. Typical. (beat, then) Wait, no it's not. That makes no sense. CUT TO Josh and Dan. JOSH They know Cash-for-Gold is a scam, right? DAN Cash for Gold is a scam? CUT TO David and Sarah. DAVID Note to Aliens: Don't leave your deadly laser bracelets lying open next to your prisoners. Sarah nods, gives David a lame low-five. CUT TO Rosie, Pat and Murph. PAT Jesus, Harrison Ford gets grouchier and grouchier with every movie. MURPH He sounds like a flesh heap that makes broken muffler noises. ROSIE He sounds like a lawnmower going over a pile of rocks. CUT TO Sarah and David. SARAH Ah, I love a man who stops thinking when he kisses me. Seriously, like his brain becomes inactive. CUT TO Josh and Dan. JOSH Thank God. Harrison Ford saved his son. DAN But his son is a horrible person. JOSH Oh, right. What about the Indian? I actually cared about him. DAN He died. JOSH What about my hopes for this movie? DAN They died, too. CUT TO Rosie, Pat and Murph. PAT (still re: Ford) He's like a bag of rusty tools thrown down a basement staircase. CUT TO David & Sarah. SARAH He's like a grizzly bear stuck in traffic. DAVID He's like Clint Eastwood using a broken blender. CUT TO Josh & Dan. LIGHTS UP. Josh sits, dumbstruck. DAN Looks like everything worked out! JOSH Harrison Ford's son is lobotomized, and everyone seems fine with it. DAN (oblivious) Yup, a happy ending for all. (looks at watch) Shall we to the 11:30 Smurfs? END.