Hardly Working: Business Time 2

By

Amir Blumenfeld and Patrick Cassels

          INT. COPY ROOM - DAY

          AMIR, in a suit, walks by the the new xerox machine reading
          DECISION POINTS (by George W. Bush). He notices the machine
          and is floored.

                              AMIR
                    Sweet Larry, Mother of Pearl...

          Amir takes a step towards the machine.

                              PAT (O.S.)
                    Xerox Workcentre 7328. Yes, this is
                    actual.

          PAT pops up from behind the machine. Amir, still speechless:

                              AMIR
                    I have a contact at the Xeer' and
                    he told me we were on the wait-list
                    for one of these bad boys six
                    months ago. I thought he was
                    pulling my schlong...

                              PAT
                    He wasn't. 26 PPM color, 28
                    black-and-white, four trays, three
                    page layouts, two toner shades, one
                    hell of a machine.

                              AMIR
                    Light production finisher?

                              PAT
                    Optional (examining) buuut it looks
                    like we exercised it.

                              AMIR
                    Inreal.

                              PAT
                    Best part, they're still using the
                    7200 series down the hall.

                              AMIR
                    Well, that's a quality machine.

          Beat. They both erupt in laughter. Patrick steps towards the
          machine holding a piece of paper. Amir snatches it out.

                              AMIR
                    Whoa! What are you doing?

                              PAT
                    Taking this baby for a text drive.

                              AMIR
                    Are you kidding? You've never used
                    this machine before.

                              PAT
                    Nobody has.

                              AMIR
                    Uncorrect. They debuted this model
                    at CopyCon Kansas City 2k10.
                         (suspicious)
                    Didn't see you there.

                              PAT
                         (beat)
                    ...Weird. I was.

                              AMIR
                    So you must have seen keynote
                    speaker...?

                              PAT
                    Mitch Albom. "Handshake Your Way to
                    the Top" Very moving.

                              AMIR
                    Lucky guess. Where'd you stay?

                              PAT
                    Hampton Inn.

                              AMIR
                    Me too. Complimentary breakfast?

                              PAT
                    With monogrammed waffle iron.

                              AMIR
                    Rental car?

                              PAT
                    PT Cruiser.

                              AMIR
                    Regardless, I was loading letter
                    when you were an extern at Enron.
                    Out of my way.

          Amir tries using the machine. There are some confusing BEEPS
          and MECHANICAL NOISES. It's clearly not working.

                              PAT
                         (smug)
                    Problems?

                              AMIR
                    NOPE. It's just warming up.

                              PAT
                    I don't think so. They clocked the
                    7328's warm-up time at 7.5 seconds.

                              AMIR
                    That's not official.

          Pat leans close to Amir's face.

                              PAT
                    You know, I think I saw an InkJet
                    down the hall.

                              AMIR
                    F*ck you.

                              PAT
                    Step aside. Let a real eBay power
                    seller troubleshoot this bitch.

          Pat presses some buttons.

                              PAT
                    Your problem is you're treating
                    this like a copy machine when it's
                    a 5-in-one workstation: Copy.
                    Email. Fax...

          As Pat talks, a HORRIBLE GRINDING NOISE rises from the
          machine until it's unbearable. Amir looks concerned.

                              PAT
                    ...Laminate-- jesus okay I'm
                    calling tech support!

          Pat grabs his phone. CU on his waist, there are an
          unreasonable number of BlackBerries, beepers, etc. clipped
          to it.

          Amir grabs the phone, throws it and stomps on it.

                              AMIR
                    And tell them what? That we took a
                    $15,000 dump and we want mommy to
                    come wipe it for us?

                              PAT
                    We're not qualified to provide
                    maintenance on the 7328.

          Amir leans into the xerox machine and points.

                              AMIR
                    No, I think I've located the
                    problem. It's right...
                         (points slowly to Pat)
                    ...here.

          Pat shoves Amir back. Amir, furious, unbuttons his shirt.

                              AMIR
                    Thank you.

                              PAT
                    For what?

                              AMIR
                    Striking first. Read your HR
                    manual. "Employees under attack are
                    allowed...

          Pat, accepting Amir's challenge, unbuttons his shirt.

                              PAT/AMIR
                    "...to defend themselves with force
                    commensurate to the initial blow!"

          Just before they kill each other, Pat and Amir notice each
          other's shirts. They're both wearing identical "Sore
          Loserman 2000" tees.

          STREETER enters.

                              STREETER
                    Hey guys? The bathroom is seriously
                    overflowing. Still. So...?

                              PAT/AMIR
                    Right. Yes. On it, sir.

          Pat and Amir grab buckets and mops and scurry out like rats.

          Streeter removies Amir's paper from the machine and reads.

                              STREETER
                         (calling after)
                    Is- is this a kill list?

          END.