By Amir Blumenfeld and Patrick Cassels
INT. COPY ROOM - DAY AMIR, in a suit, walks by the the new xerox machine reading DECISION POINTS (by George W. Bush). He notices the machine and is floored. AMIR Sweet Larry, Mother of Pearl... Amir takes a step towards the machine. PAT (O.S.) Xerox Workcentre 7328. Yes, this is actual. PAT pops up from behind the machine. Amir, still speechless: AMIR I have a contact at the Xeer' and he told me we were on the wait-list for one of these bad boys six months ago. I thought he was pulling my schlong... PAT He wasn't. 26 PPM color, 28 black-and-white, four trays, three page layouts, two toner shades, one hell of a machine. AMIR Light production finisher? PAT Optional (examining) buuut it looks like we exercised it. AMIR Inreal. PAT Best part, they're still using the 7200 series down the hall. AMIR Well, that's a quality machine. Beat. They both erupt in laughter. Patrick steps towards the machine holding a piece of paper. Amir snatches it out. AMIR Whoa! What are you doing? PAT Taking this baby for a text drive. AMIR Are you kidding? You've never used this machine before. PAT Nobody has. AMIR Uncorrect. They debuted this model at CopyCon Kansas City 2k10. (suspicious) Didn't see you there. PAT (beat) ...Weird. I was. AMIR So you must have seen keynote speaker...? PAT Mitch Albom. "Handshake Your Way to the Top" Very moving. AMIR Lucky guess. Where'd you stay? PAT Hampton Inn. AMIR Me too. Complimentary breakfast? PAT With monogrammed waffle iron. AMIR Rental car? PAT PT Cruiser. AMIR Regardless, I was loading letter when you were an extern at Enron. Out of my way. Amir tries using the machine. There are some confusing BEEPS and MECHANICAL NOISES. It's clearly not working. PAT (smug) Problems? AMIR NOPE. It's just warming up. PAT I don't think so. They clocked the 7328's warm-up time at 7.5 seconds. AMIR That's not official. Pat leans close to Amir's face. PAT You know, I think I saw an InkJet down the hall. AMIR F*ck you. PAT Step aside. Let a real eBay power seller troubleshoot this bitch. Pat presses some buttons. PAT Your problem is you're treating this like a copy machine when it's a 5-in-one workstation: Copy. Email. Fax... As Pat talks, a HORRIBLE GRINDING NOISE rises from the machine until it's unbearable. Amir looks concerned. PAT ...Laminate-- jesus okay I'm calling tech support! Pat grabs his phone. CU on his waist, there are an unreasonable number of BlackBerries, beepers, etc. clipped to it. Amir grabs the phone, throws it and stomps on it. AMIR And tell them what? That we took a $15,000 dump and we want mommy to come wipe it for us? PAT We're not qualified to provide maintenance on the 7328. Amir leans into the xerox machine and points. AMIR No, I think I've located the problem. It's right... (points slowly to Pat) ...here. Pat shoves Amir back. Amir, furious, unbuttons his shirt. AMIR Thank you. PAT For what? AMIR Striking first. Read your HR manual. "Employees under attack are allowed... Pat, accepting Amir's challenge, unbuttons his shirt. PAT/AMIR "...to defend themselves with force commensurate to the initial blow!" Just before they kill each other, Pat and Amir notice each other's shirts. They're both wearing identical "Sore Loserman 2000" tees. STREETER enters. STREETER Hey guys? The bathroom is seriously overflowing. Still. So...? PAT/AMIR Right. Yes. On it, sir. Pat and Amir grab buckets and mops and scurry out like rats. Streeter removies Amir's paper from the machine and reads. STREETER (calling after) Is- is this a kill list? END.