Game of Thrones RPG

By

Ben Joseph

          EXT. SNOWY WOODS

          A SIDE-SCROLLING PROLOGUE. Three NIGHT'S WATCHMEN lead their
          HORSES through the woods.

          WATCHMEN: So, yeah, my agent calls, and he's like, "Not only
          are you in this new HBO show, but you're in the very first
          scene."

          WATCHMEN: I think this is going to be huge for me-

          Suddenly, WHITE WALKERS rush in from either side,
          surrounding them.

          WATCHMEN: Ah, shit.

          FLASH CUT TO: With a HORRIBLE SCREAM, a WHITE WALKER'S FACE
          fills the screen. We FADE TO:

          TITLE CARD: HBO'S GAME OF THRONES: A SONG OF FIRE AND ICE /
          SEASON I

          A cursor selects LOAD GAME. Four SAVE GAMES appear. The
          cursor selects the top one: EPISODE 1 / WINTERFELL / JAMIE

          INT. TOWER

          TOP-DOWN GAMEPLAY. JAMIE is having sex with CERSEI.

          TEXT BOX: Hit "A" to thrust!

          Jamie thrusts in time with a RED A BUTTON. BRAN, having
          climbed the tower, appears in the window. All FREEZE.

          TEXT: A wild BRAN spotted your incest!

          ENTER BATTLE SEQUENCE:

          CERSEI: Jamie, do something!

          Jamie's MENU OPTIONS: ATTACK / RUN AWAY / HAVE SEX WITH
          SISTER

          Jamie tries to pick the third option.

          TEXT: You can't do that right now.

          Jamie's character SIGHS. He selects ATTACK and BRAN.

          TEXT BOX: Like, seriously? He's only ten? / YES / NO

          Jamie selects "YES"

          TEXT BOX: Wow. OK. I mean, I understand you don't want
          people to know you're porking your sister, but still‚ Wow.

          Jamie runs up and PUNCHES Bran. Bran FLIES O.S.

          TEXT: You defeated BRAN STARK!

          TEXT: Obviously.

          TEXT: Because, you know, he's ten.

          TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, across the Narrow Sea...

          INT. KHAL DROGO'S TENT

          DAENERYS sits. KHAL DROGO enters, naked.

          TEXT BOX: Can you convince Khal Drogo you're more than his
          Aryan fuck puppet?

          TEXT BOX: Ready... Set... Go!

          A RHYTHM GAME plays out. A, B, X, Y, <-, ->, etc. scrolls by
          as Daenerys and Khal get it on. At various points,
          ACHIEVEMENTS pop up below the the instructions:

          EYE CONTACT! / FOREPLAY! / FIRST KISS! / LADY ON TOP!

          The game ends with CHEERS AND CONFETTI.

          TEXT EDIT: YOU DID IT! NO DOGGY STYLE TONIGHT...

          TITLE CARD: Later, at King's Landing...

          Then, under it: (Good lord, this show jumps around...)

          INT. CASTLE

          NED STARK, a big, goofy character, walks through the castle.
          He pauses and addresses the camera.

          NED STARK: Imma gonna solve a mystery!

          Ned looks at WALL.

          WALL GRAPHIC: It's THREE PORTRAITS, labeled ROBERT, CERSEI,
          and JAMIE. Under them is a portrait of JOFFREY.

          TEXT BOX: Who are the parents of this child?

          A CURSOR flicks between the three top photos indecisively.

          BACK TO TOP-DOWN VIEW:

          NED: Imma need some more time to figure this one out.

          LITTLEFINGER walks up to him.

          LITTLEFINGER: You know, you shouldn't trust me.

          TEXT BOX: WHAT DO YOU DO? / TRUST HIM / DON'T TRUST HIM /
          EAT JELLYBEANS

          Ned selects "TRUST HIM."

          LITTLEFINGER: Wait, seriously? OK...

          Littlefinger walks away. After he exits:

          NED: I like his mustache.

          TITLE CARD: Later at the Eyrie...

          INT. EYRIE THRONE ROOM

          BATTLE SEQUENCE: TYRION and BRONN fight armored SER VARDIS.

          Bronn delivers a VICIOUS ATTACK, scoring some real damage.

          Tyrion selects QUIP, which leads to a SUB-MENU: CRUDE /
          WITTY / INSIGHTFUL. Tyrion selects CRUDE.

          TYRION: If I could pray with my cock, I‚d be much more
          religious.

          It scores 0 DAMAGE on SER VARDIS. Tyrion receives + 10
          COOLNESS.

          CUT TO: A PORTRAIT OF TYRION.

          TEXT BOX: TYRION REACHED LEVEL 23!

          TEXT BOX: TYRION IS EVOLVING!

          Tyrion FLASHES, transforming into a MORE DYNAMIC, SMILING
          PORTRAIT.

          TEXT BOX: TYRION EVOLVED INTO... AUDIENCE'S FAVORITE
          CHARACTER!

          TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at Winterfell...

          INT. WINTEFELL

          ROB is walking through the castle when THEON runs up to him.

          Under a PIXEL-ART PICTURE OF THEON GREYJOY:

          THEON'S TEXT BOX: Rob, we must rally your banner men and
          destroy the Lannisters. Now is the time to-

          THEON'S TEXT BOX: You have no idea who I am, do you?

          TEXT BOX: WHO IS THIS? / Rickon Stark / Theon Greyjoy /
          Hodor / A White Walker

          CURSOR moves up and down before finally selecting HODOR.

          THEON'S TEXT BOX: Oh, for fuck's sake!

          TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at the Wall...

          EXT. THE WALL

          JON SNOW stands atop the snowy fortress. He looks around.

          JON SNOW: ...

          JON SNOW: I don't get to do much this season.

          TITLE CARD: Later, in the South...

          EXT. FIELD

          ROB enters, followed by three SOLDIERS. He talks to CATELYN.

          ROB: Mother, we have claimed victory against the Lannisters!
          It was truly an epic battle.

          CATELYN: I wish I could have seen it.

          ROB: Too bad we ran out of money three episodes ago.

          A long beat.

          TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at King's Landing...

          EXT. TOWN SQUARE

          Two soldiers escort Ned, a prisoner, through the square to
          platform where CERSEI and JOFFREY sit.

          NED STARK: Wait a sec... Blonde hair...

          The soldiers put Ned on his knees. The EXECUTIONER
          approaches.

          NED STARK: Everybody! Don't trust the Lannisters!

          The executioner BEHEADS him.

          END.