By Ben Joseph
EXT. SNOWY WOODS A SIDE-SCROLLING PROLOGUE. Three NIGHT'S WATCHMEN lead their HORSES through the woods. WATCHMEN: So, yeah, my agent calls, and he's like, "Not only are you in this new HBO show, but you're in the very first scene." WATCHMEN: I think this is going to be huge for me- Suddenly, WHITE WALKERS rush in from either side, surrounding them. WATCHMEN: Ah, shit. FLASH CUT TO: With a HORRIBLE SCREAM, a WHITE WALKER'S FACE fills the screen. We FADE TO: TITLE CARD: HBO'S GAME OF THRONES: A SONG OF FIRE AND ICE / SEASON I A cursor selects LOAD GAME. Four SAVE GAMES appear. The cursor selects the top one: EPISODE 1 / WINTERFELL / JAMIE INT. TOWER TOP-DOWN GAMEPLAY. JAMIE is having sex with CERSEI. TEXT BOX: Hit "A" to thrust! Jamie thrusts in time with a RED A BUTTON. BRAN, having climbed the tower, appears in the window. All FREEZE. TEXT: A wild BRAN spotted your incest! ENTER BATTLE SEQUENCE: CERSEI: Jamie, do something! Jamie's MENU OPTIONS: ATTACK / RUN AWAY / HAVE SEX WITH SISTER Jamie tries to pick the third option. TEXT: You can't do that right now. Jamie's character SIGHS. He selects ATTACK and BRAN. TEXT BOX: Like, seriously? He's only ten? / YES / NO Jamie selects "YES" TEXT BOX: Wow. OK. I mean, I understand you don't want people to know you're porking your sister, but still‚ Wow. Jamie runs up and PUNCHES Bran. Bran FLIES O.S. TEXT: You defeated BRAN STARK! TEXT: Obviously. TEXT: Because, you know, he's ten. TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, across the Narrow Sea... INT. KHAL DROGO'S TENT DAENERYS sits. KHAL DROGO enters, naked. TEXT BOX: Can you convince Khal Drogo you're more than his Aryan fuck puppet? TEXT BOX: Ready... Set... Go! A RHYTHM GAME plays out. A, B, X, Y, <-, ->, etc. scrolls by as Daenerys and Khal get it on. At various points, ACHIEVEMENTS pop up below the the instructions: EYE CONTACT! / FOREPLAY! / FIRST KISS! / LADY ON TOP! The game ends with CHEERS AND CONFETTI. TEXT EDIT: YOU DID IT! NO DOGGY STYLE TONIGHT... TITLE CARD: Later, at King's Landing... Then, under it: (Good lord, this show jumps around...) INT. CASTLE NED STARK, a big, goofy character, walks through the castle. He pauses and addresses the camera. NED STARK: Imma gonna solve a mystery! Ned looks at WALL. WALL GRAPHIC: It's THREE PORTRAITS, labeled ROBERT, CERSEI, and JAMIE. Under them is a portrait of JOFFREY. TEXT BOX: Who are the parents of this child? A CURSOR flicks between the three top photos indecisively. BACK TO TOP-DOWN VIEW: NED: Imma need some more time to figure this one out. LITTLEFINGER walks up to him. LITTLEFINGER: You know, you shouldn't trust me. TEXT BOX: WHAT DO YOU DO? / TRUST HIM / DON'T TRUST HIM / EAT JELLYBEANS Ned selects "TRUST HIM." LITTLEFINGER: Wait, seriously? OK... Littlefinger walks away. After he exits: NED: I like his mustache. TITLE CARD: Later at the Eyrie... INT. EYRIE THRONE ROOM BATTLE SEQUENCE: TYRION and BRONN fight armored SER VARDIS. Bronn delivers a VICIOUS ATTACK, scoring some real damage. Tyrion selects QUIP, which leads to a SUB-MENU: CRUDE / WITTY / INSIGHTFUL. Tyrion selects CRUDE. TYRION: If I could pray with my cock, I‚d be much more religious. It scores 0 DAMAGE on SER VARDIS. Tyrion receives + 10 COOLNESS. CUT TO: A PORTRAIT OF TYRION. TEXT BOX: TYRION REACHED LEVEL 23! TEXT BOX: TYRION IS EVOLVING! Tyrion FLASHES, transforming into a MORE DYNAMIC, SMILING PORTRAIT. TEXT BOX: TYRION EVOLVED INTO... AUDIENCE'S FAVORITE CHARACTER! TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at Winterfell... INT. WINTEFELL ROB is walking through the castle when THEON runs up to him. Under a PIXEL-ART PICTURE OF THEON GREYJOY: THEON'S TEXT BOX: Rob, we must rally your banner men and destroy the Lannisters. Now is the time to- THEON'S TEXT BOX: You have no idea who I am, do you? TEXT BOX: WHO IS THIS? / Rickon Stark / Theon Greyjoy / Hodor / A White Walker CURSOR moves up and down before finally selecting HODOR. THEON'S TEXT BOX: Oh, for fuck's sake! TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at the Wall... EXT. THE WALL JON SNOW stands atop the snowy fortress. He looks around. JON SNOW: ... JON SNOW: I don't get to do much this season. TITLE CARD: Later, in the South... EXT. FIELD ROB enters, followed by three SOLDIERS. He talks to CATELYN. ROB: Mother, we have claimed victory against the Lannisters! It was truly an epic battle. CATELYN: I wish I could have seen it. ROB: Too bad we ran out of money three episodes ago. A long beat. TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at King's Landing... EXT. TOWN SQUARE Two soldiers escort Ned, a prisoner, through the square to platform where CERSEI and JOFFREY sit. NED STARK: Wait a sec... Blonde hair... The soldiers put Ned on his knees. The EXECUTIONER approaches. NED STARK: Everybody! Don't trust the Lannisters! The executioner BEHEADS him. END.