Save your game, winter is coming.
By Ben Joseph
EXT. SNOWY WOODS
A SIDE-SCROLLING PROLOGUE. Three NIGHT'S WATCHMEN lead their
HORSES through the woods.
WATCHMEN: So, yeah, my agent calls, and he's like, "Not only
are you in this new HBO show, but you're in the very first
WATCHMEN: I think this is going to be huge for me-
Suddenly, WHITE WALKERS rush in from either side,
WATCHMEN: Ah, shit.
FLASH CUT TO: With a HORRIBLE SCREAM, a WHITE WALKER'S FACE
fills the screen. We FADE TO:
TITLE CARD: HBO'S GAME OF THRONES: A SONG OF FIRE AND ICE /
A cursor selects LOAD GAME. Four SAVE GAMES appear. The
cursor selects the top one: EPISODE 1 / WINTERFELL / JAMIE
TOP-DOWN GAMEPLAY. JAMIE is having sex with CERSEI.
TEXT BOX: Hit "A" to thrust!
Jamie thrusts in time with a RED A BUTTON. BRAN, having
climbed the tower, appears in the window. All FREEZE.
TEXT: A wild BRAN spotted your incest!
ENTER BATTLE SEQUENCE:
CERSEI: Jamie, do something!
Jamie's MENU OPTIONS: ATTACK / RUN AWAY / HAVE SEX WITH
Jamie tries to pick the third option.
TEXT: You can't do that right now.
Jamie's character SIGHS. He selects ATTACK and BRAN.
TEXT BOX: Like, seriously? He's only ten? / YES / NO
Jamie selects "YES"
TEXT BOX: Wow. OK. I mean, I understand you don't want
people to know you're porking your sister, but still‚ Wow.
Jamie runs up and PUNCHES Bran. Bran FLIES O.S.
TEXT: You defeated BRAN STARK!
TEXT: Because, you know, he's ten.
TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, across the Narrow Sea...
INT. KHAL DROGO'S TENT
DAENERYS sits. KHAL DROGO enters, naked.
TEXT BOX: Can you convince Khal Drogo you're more than his
Aryan fuck puppet?
TEXT BOX: Ready... Set... Go!
A RHYTHM GAME plays out. A, B, X, Y, <-, ->, etc. scrolls by
as Daenerys and Khal get it on. At various points,
ACHIEVEMENTS pop up below the the instructions:
EYE CONTACT! / FOREPLAY! / FIRST KISS! / LADY ON TOP!
The game ends with CHEERS AND CONFETTI.
TEXT EDIT: YOU DID IT! NO DOGGY STYLE TONIGHT...
TITLE CARD: Later, at King's Landing...
Then, under it: (Good lord, this show jumps around...)
NED STARK, a big, goofy character, walks through the castle.
He pauses and addresses the camera.
NED STARK: Imma gonna solve a mystery!
Ned looks at WALL.
WALL GRAPHIC: It's THREE PORTRAITS, labeled ROBERT, CERSEI,
and JAMIE. Under them is a portrait of JOFFREY.
TEXT BOX: Who are the parents of this child?
A CURSOR flicks between the three top photos indecisively.
BACK TO TOP-DOWN VIEW:
NED: Imma need some more time to figure this one out.
LITTLEFINGER walks up to him.
LITTLEFINGER: You know, you shouldn't trust me.
TEXT BOX: WHAT DO YOU DO? / TRUST HIM / DON'T TRUST HIM /
Ned selects "TRUST HIM."
LITTLEFINGER: Wait, seriously? OK...
Littlefinger walks away. After he exits:
NED: I like his mustache.
TITLE CARD: Later at the Eyrie...
INT. EYRIE THRONE ROOM
BATTLE SEQUENCE: TYRION and BRONN fight armored SER VARDIS.
Bronn delivers a VICIOUS ATTACK, scoring some real damage.
Tyrion selects QUIP, which leads to a SUB-MENU: CRUDE /
WITTY / INSIGHTFUL. Tyrion selects CRUDE.
TYRION: If I could pray with my cock, I‚d be much more
It scores 0 DAMAGE on SER VARDIS. Tyrion receives + 10
CUT TO: A PORTRAIT OF TYRION.
TEXT BOX: TYRION REACHED LEVEL 23!
TEXT BOX: TYRION IS EVOLVING!
Tyrion FLASHES, transforming into a MORE DYNAMIC, SMILING
TEXT BOX: TYRION EVOLVED INTO... AUDIENCE'S FAVORITE
TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at Winterfell...
ROB is walking through the castle when THEON runs up to him.
Under a PIXEL-ART PICTURE OF THEON GREYJOY:
THEON'S TEXT BOX: Rob, we must rally your banner men and
destroy the Lannisters. Now is the time to-
THEON'S TEXT BOX: You have no idea who I am, do you?
TEXT BOX: WHO IS THIS? / Rickon Stark / Theon Greyjoy /
Hodor / A White Walker
CURSOR moves up and down before finally selecting HODOR.
THEON'S TEXT BOX: Oh, for fuck's sake!
TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at the Wall...
EXT. THE WALL
JON SNOW stands atop the snowy fortress. He looks around.
JON SNOW: ...
JON SNOW: I don't get to do much this season.
TITLE CARD: Later, in the South...
ROB enters, followed by three SOLDIERS. He talks to CATELYN.
ROB: Mother, we have claimed victory against the Lannisters!
It was truly an epic battle.
CATELYN: I wish I could have seen it.
ROB: Too bad we ran out of money three episodes ago.
A long beat.
TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at King's Landing...
EXT. TOWN SQUARE
Two soldiers escort Ned, a prisoner, through the square to
platform where CERSEI and JOFFREY sit.
NED STARK: Wait a sec... Blonde hair...
The soldiers put Ned on his knees. The EXECUTIONER
NED STARK: Everybody! Don't trust the Lannisters!
The executioner BEHEADS him.