Just as well-written as your 8th grade history notes.
By Jake Hurwitz
EXT. EARLY 19TH CENTURY WASHINGTON DC - DAY The state Capital is burning. A creepy version of the National Anthem plays throughout the trailer. CUT TO: British troops run down a smoke filled street, one stops, aims, and fires then continues running. Text: Long ago... CUT TO: A strong, bearded man, SAM, sits at a crude dining room table. His wife looks at him nervously. He dramatically rises. Text: During a time... CUT TO: British cannon is put into place and loaded. CUT TO: American soldiers line up and ready their rifles. Text: There was a war. CUT TO: The British cannon is fired. CUT TO: A horse gallops through a field. CUT TO: Sam's home. His wife, SARAH stands with him on his doorstep. SAM I have to go. SARAH Where? SAM Out west. Or really far south. Or maybe Canada. SARAH (crying) When will you return? SAM (also crying) You know what? I might be going out to sea. CUT TO: The President sits in his office. PRESIDENT I will not stand for this insult. Or my name isn't President... (eyes darting) Jaaaaamesss-Millaaarrrrd... ? CUT TO: A grizzled American General addresses his troops. GENERAL If you see an injun... shoot. SAM Wait, aren't the Indians on our side? GENERAL I thought they were with the British. SOLDIER 2 Didn't we already fight the British? CUT TO: Gunshot! A tattered American flag blows across a desolate plain. CUT TO: Sam holds a dying soldier. SAM Who did this?! Seriously. Who did this? The grizzled General from earlier crouches next to Sam and puts his hand on Sam's shoulder. GENERAL It was Grant's army... Ulysses S. Grant. SAM No that can't be right. GENERAL You know I was sure I was right before I said it. But it did sound really weird once it came out of my mouth. Even I was like... what? Haha, funny how that happens, you know? CUT TO: Sam stands in a golden field holding his wife. SARAH Why do men fight? SAM For honor, Sarah. For honor. Sarah looks longingly at her husband, the sun hits her eyes and she is beautiful. SARAH No like, really, why? SAM Honor was vague right? Too vague? SARAH Yeah. SAM It miiiight have something to do with taxes. SARAH K. CUT TO: A beleaguered Sam addresses a broken down group of rag tag American soldiers. SAM We will rise against the British! And the Indians. And the French! Wait, no, not the French... No! Sorry, yes, the French. Final answer. A soldier nods reassuringly. SAME They may burn our crop, they may take our land! Or prevent us from taking more land. Provinces might be involved. But we will stand our ground! Sam looks at a soldier, who shrugs. SAM Er, wait, better, we will charge! We will cross their borders, and take their territories! One by one... The soldier cocks his head, that's not right either. SAM You know what, I was onto something before. We're gonna protect the frontier. CUT TO: Sam stabs a British soldier. He leans close to his face. BRITISH SOLDIER I... I die to protect England's right to... SAM To what? BRITISH SOLDIER To... The British soldier dies. SAM TO WHAT?! A Native American stands looking out at a burning field. NATIVE AMERICAN My people... are involved in this somehow. CUT TO: A British General yells "Fire" and a line of British soldiers fire their weapons. CUT TO: Sam stands bloody and ragged in a field. He falls to his knees. SAM What happened during this time?! With a loud bang text appears on the screen "The War of 1812" Back to Sam in the field. SAM Wikipedia had nothing! END.