The Six Ways You'll See Your Dad

By

Ben Joseph

          TITLE CARD: THE SIX WAYS YOU'LL SEE YOUR DAD

          TITLE CARD: THE SUPERHERO

          YOU, about 5, take off running.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You're definitely going to beat him
                    this time.

          Your Dad, a SUPERHERO, runs past you with SUPER SPEED.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    How does he DO that?

          Dad picks you up and FLIES AWAY.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Of the ten people you've met so far
                    he's definitely the best.

          Dad lands in your KITCHEN, starts making you a snack.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    He's strong enough to open the
                    peanut butter with one hand. Agile
                    enough to get the straw into the
                    Capri Sun without bending it. And
                    smart enough to know the answer to
                    pretty much everything.

          Dad does PUSH-UPS with you on his back.

                              YOU
                    Dad, how much money does the
                    President make?

                              HERO DAD
                    A billion dollars.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Everything.

          TITLE CARD: THE CLOWN

          A SUBURBAN STREET. You're a little older - 10 or 12 -
          walking home with your friends from school.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    We're not talking about the good
                    type of clown because there are no
                    good types of clowns. They're all
                    weird and unfunny. And so is he.

          An UGLY CAR pulls up. Your dad - now a CLOWN - honks for you
          to get in. You're mortified.

          YOUR HOUSE. Dad, in HIGH PLEATED KHAKIS and an XXL HAWAIIAN
          SHIRT clowns around: He hits his finger with a hammer, tries
          to type on a computer with large CLOWN GLOVES, etc.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    His wardrobe makes cartoon
                    characters look stylish. Carrot Top
                    thinks his jokes are a "little
                    broad."
                         (beat, soft, scary voice)
                    Sometimes, he dances.

          You and your friends listen to music. Clown Dad jumps in and
          GYRATES HORRIBLY. You turn off the stereo.

          A RESTAURANT. Clown Dad makes an "Asian face" as he talks to
          an Asian waiter. He bows slightly as the waiter walks away.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Oh, Jesus, he's imitating the
                    waiter's accent again. The only
                    that could be worse is if- And the
                    chopsticks are up his nose.

          Clown Dad does an AWFUL WALRUS impression.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You wish somebody would just shoot
                    you right now.

          Clown Dad squirts you with a FAKE LAPEL FLOWER.

          THE TYRANT

          DINNER. You, now 15, kind of going through a punk phase,
          pick at your food.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You think you liked him better with
                    the red nose.

          TYRANT DAD sits on an large, lavish throne at the head of
          table.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    He's like Darth Vader, Hitler, and
                    the reverend from Footloose all
                    rolled into one.

          You MOW THE LAWN as Dad supervises.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    He never lets you do anything.
                    You're forced to work his land and
                    obey his ridiculous decrees.

          Next to the THRONE: A STEWARD reads from a scroll.

                              STEWARD
                    Mandate the 9th: Thou shall not
                    pierce thine flesh, as long as thou
                    lives under thine roof.

                              YOU
                    Ugh, SERIOUSLY?!

          You run into your dad in the hall. You BOW ironically.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You're pretty sure even serfs could
                    stay out past 9 on weekdays.

          You preach to an unseen audience.

                              YOU
                    If we all stop eating, he has to
                    let me go to Warped Tour!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You want change, but you're not
                    sure your fellow revolutionaries
                    can be trusted.

          REVEAL: You're talking to your 7 and 10-year-old SIBLINGS.
          They're adorably not paying attention.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Nobody in the world has it as bad
                    as you.

          You stop mowing the lawn, sit on your porch, and SIGH. Next
          door, there's a boy doing the exact same thing.

          TITLE CARD: THE SUIT

          Dad, in a GRAY SUIT, drives you to college.

                              NARRATOR
                    Then you realize: Your Dad's not a
                    dictator. He's an LL Bean catalog.

                              DAD
                    Now, just remember-

          But you're already out of the car.

          SPLIT SCREEN: As Dad goes through a BORING WORK DAY in MUTED
          GRAYS, the following happens to YOU at COLLEGE:

                              NARRATOR
                    You're going to be different.
                    You're not going to sell out.
                    You're going to read books.

          You play video games and drink beer. Dad sits at his
          computer and drinks coffee.

                              NARRATOR
                    Have interesting conversations with
                    interesting people.

          A PARTY. You sort of listen to a girl. Meanwhile, Dad sits
          in a boring BOARD MEETING.

                              GIRL
                    I just really think the, you know,
                    themes of the book-

          You interrupt her with a sloppy make-out session.

                              NARRATOR
                    You'll be the millionaire astronaut
                    rock star that he never was.

          You wake up, on the floor, a penis drawn on your face. Dad,
          almost asleep at his computer, snaps awake.

          END SPLIT SCREEN. Dad reads BILLS.

                              NARRATOR
                    You don't even know why he keeps
                    that stupid job.

          REVEAL: You're sitting across from him.

                              YOU
                    I'm, uh, going to need to go to
                    summer school.

          TITLE CARD: THE HERO (REPRISE)

          You're running down a dark alley.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    OK. So you might be in over your
                    head.

          A DEAD END. You're stuck. A strange GANG approaches you,
          wielding CHAINS and CLUBS:

                              PROFESSIONAL WOMAN
                    You missed your student loan
                    payment!

                              BOSS
                    I need you to work through the
                    holidays!

                              LANDLORD
                    I'm not going to fix your HOT
                    WATER!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    That's when you remember why he was
                    your hero.

          They're about to attack when YOUR DAD, a trench coat
          vigilante, leaps to your defense.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    He's not as fast or as strong as
                    you remember, but he has other
                    skills. And he will do anything -
                    anything - to keep you safe.

          Dad takes a few punches, but manages to beat back the gang.

                              YOU
                    Thank you-

          But he's already gone.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    The worst part is you know there's
                    no way you can repay him. The least
                    you can do is stay out of trouble.

          A SHADY CHARACTER calls to you from the shadows.

                              SHADY CHARACTER
                    Hey, want a free credit card?

                              YOU
                         (shrug, cheerful)
                    OK.

          Dolly into DARKNESS, transitioning us, with NO TITLE CARD,
          back to REALITY. Dad helps you pack up your room.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    But no more fantasies. You feel
                    like you know your Dad pretty well
                    these days. Really got a handle on
                    the ol' guy-

          Carrying a box into the attic, you spot a GUITAR CASE.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Wait, he played guitar?

          You open a CHEST next to it and go through the various
          keepsakes.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Of all the things you've considered
                    your dad, "a person" was never one
                    of them. Maybe it's the letters, or
                    the diploma, or maybe it's, uh,
                    these-

          You find an awful pair of SEQUINED BELL BOTTOMS.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    -but you realize he's a guy. A guy
                    who's had fears, desires, hopes,
                    disappointments. He has no idea
                    what comes next, but he's doing his
                    best to figure it out. He's-

          You find a picture of your Dad and Mom holding you as
          infant. They're both impossibly young. He's strangely
          familiar. Suddenly, you recognize your dad...

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    He's you.

          As you smile, just a little bit, we cut to the...

          FINAL TITLE CARD: YOU

          END.