Secret Girl Language (with Ashley Benson)

By

Sarah Schneider

          INT. BAR - NIGHT

          ASHLEY BENSON stands near the bar with her girlfriends,
          VANESSA and ADDISON, early 20s, stylish and adorable. They
          clink glasses, cheers-ing.

                              ASHLEY
                    You guys, seriously? I've been
                    looking forward to this all week.

                              VANESSA
                    It's Monday.

                              ASHLEY
                    Oh, I start my weeks on Thursdays.
                    That way Monday feels like Friday.

                              VANESSA
                    Makes sense.

                              ADDISON
                    Um, don't look now, but those guys
                    behind you? The ones without
                    goatees? They're coming over here.

          Ashley and Vanessa turn to look. Three CUTE GUYS, early 20s
          and clean-shaven, head towards them. They turn back.

                              ASHLEY
                    Oh my god, they're so cute! Okay
                    remember: if you want to talk about
                    them in front of them, just use our
                    secret language. Got it?

                              ADDISON/VANESSA
                    Got it.

                              LOGAN
                         (arriving; to Addison)
                    Hi there. I'm Logan. These are my
                    friends Travis and Mitchell. Can we
                    buy you girls a drink?

                              ADDISON
                    I'd love a martini.

          Logan winks and heads to the bar.

                              ASHLEY
                    So Travis, what do you do?

                              TRAVIS
                    I'm a doctor. Of animals.

                              ASHLEY
                    Seriously?
                         (she shares a look with
                         Addison and Vanessa)
                    Um, can you hold on, just, one
                    second?

          Smiling sweetly, Ashley turns to Addison and Vanessa.
          Suddenly, she launches into a series of VERY LOUD, VERY
          GUTTURAL WORD-LIKE UTTERANCES, her face unflatteringly
          contorted by the effort. It sounds like she's possessed by a
          demon who smokes 10 packs a day.

          Tonally following the flow of a conversation, Addison and
          Vanessa join in: this is their hideous SECRET LANGUAGE (SL).
          Other PEOPLE IN THE BAR begin turning around ("what the-?").
          Travis and Mitchell look taken aback, then confused, then
          totally weirded out.

          During each "conversation", SUBTITLES appear on the screen:

          ASH: YOU GUYS, HE'S AN ANIMAL DOCTOR. HE LOVES ANIMALS!

          VAN: THEY'RE CALLED VETS, NOT ANIMAL DOCTORS. HE'S PROBABLY
          LYING.

          ADD: SHUT UP, HE'S INTO HER. OOO, YOU SHOULD TELL HIM ABOUT
          YOUR CAT!

          ASH: I TOTALLY WILL!

          Addison, Ashley and Vanessa finish and calmly turn back.

                              ASHLEY
                    I'm sorry, you were saying? Also, I
                    have a cat.

                              LOGAN
                         (running back)
                    What's going on over here? Is
                    someone hurt?

                              ADDISON
                         (laughs)
                    No, we're fine. You're sweet.

                              LOGAN
                         (leaning in; flirty)
                    Not as sweet as you.

          Addison beams, turning to the girls for a line of SL:

          ADD: HE TOTALLY LIKES ME!

          Addison turns back to Logan, who now looks freaked out.

                              MITCHELL
                         (trying to move past it)
                    So, Vanessa! Seen any good movies
                    lately?

                              VANESSA
                    Not really. I really want to see
                    The King's Speech.

                              MITCHELL
                    Me too! We should go sometime.

          Vanessa turns to Addison and Ashley and again they launch
          into their SL, really ramping up the sounds. Now there are
          longer, deeper noises - they sound like gruff badgers
          emitting short bursts of vomit. They punctuate their noises
          with hands pounding on the bar. One of them VISIBLY DROOLS
          as she makes the noises.

          Logan, Mitchell and Travis cringe at the sounds,
          increasingly turned off. A COUPLE gets up, covering their
          ears, and EXITS THE BAR.

          VAN: UM, DID HE JUST ASK ME OUT ON A DATE? SWOON!

          ADD: SO CUTE! HE ACTUALLY KIND OF LOOKS LIKE COLIN FIRTH.

          ASH: YOU'RE THINKING OF COLIN FARRELL.

          ADD: OH YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SUCH A DUMB DUMB!

          They finish their convo and turn back. The boys force
          smiles. Travis turns to Ashley, trying to salvage this.

                              TRAVIS
                    You know, you really have beautiful
                    eyes.

                              ASHLEY
                         (very sweetly)
                    Aw, thank you.

          She turns to the girls for a line of SL. It's just one long
          "BLLUUUUUUUHHHHHHGGH."

          ASH: HE'S THE CUTEST!

                              TRAVIS
                         (losing steam)
                    Yeah and, um...I feel like I could
                    get lost in them.

                              ASHLEY
                    You mean that?

          She turns to the girls again and makes a horrendous gurgling
          noise emanating from the back of her throat, like someone
          drowning in maple syrup.

          ASH: THIS IS SO ROMANTIC!

                              TRAVIS
                         (almost checked out)
                    Sure, and um...actually I...think
                    I'm gonna head out.

          She turns to the girls, panicked. As they talk, Travis,
          Mitchell and Logan get increasingly disgusted. MORE & MORE
          PEOPLE leave the bar, until it's totally empty.

          From here on, their noises are a combination of all the
          descriptions above. Short and deep, long and loud, warbling
          and guttural. With some dumb-sounding moans and high-pitched
          "yips" thrown in for good measure. They're like rabid
          animals.

          ASH: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? DO I HAVE FOOD IN MY TEETH?

          VAN: NOT AT ALL! MAYBE HE'S GAY?

          ASH: ARE YOU SURE? DOES MY BREATH SMELL?

                              TRAVIS
                    Jesus.

          ASH: YOU GUYS, WHAT DID I DO?! TRAVIS DOESN'T LIKE ME
          ANYMORE!

          On the word "Travis", Ashley clearly says the name "Travis."

                              TRAVIS
                    Wait...were you just talking about
                    me?

                              ASHLEY
                    What? No!...Why?

                              TRAVIS
                    Because you clearly said my name.

          Ashley turns to the girls quickly. "Travis" is again said.
          Her face looks uglier than ever - one eye half closed,
          contorted lips.

          ASH: I THINK TRAVIS KNOWS OUR SECRET LANGUAGE.

                              LOGAN
                         (getting up)
                    It was nice meeting you girls.

                              MITCHELL
                    Have a good one.

          The camera follows the guys as they walk towards the exit.
          Just before they reach the door, they exchange a few lines
          in their own SECRET LANGUAGE, which is SWEET, HIGH-PITCHED
          and very GIRLY, like the girls' should have been.

          LOG: THAT WAS SO WEIRD.

          TRA: TELL ME ABOUT IT.

          END.