It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
By Sarah Schneider
INT. BAR - NIGHT
ASHLEY BENSON stands near the bar with her girlfriends,
VANESSA and ADDISON, early 20s, stylish and adorable. They
clink glasses, cheers-ing.
You guys, seriously? I've been
looking forward to this all week.
Oh, I start my weeks on Thursdays.
That way Monday feels like Friday.
Um, don't look now, but those guys
behind you? The ones without
goatees? They're coming over here.
Ashley and Vanessa turn to look. Three CUTE GUYS, early 20s
and clean-shaven, head towards them. They turn back.
Oh my god, they're so cute! Okay
remember: if you want to talk about
them in front of them, just use our
secret language. Got it?
(arriving; to Addison)
Hi there. I'm Logan. These are my
friends Travis and Mitchell. Can we
buy you girls a drink?
I'd love a martini.
Logan winks and heads to the bar.
So Travis, what do you do?
I'm a doctor. Of animals.
(she shares a look with
Addison and Vanessa)
Um, can you hold on, just, one
Smiling sweetly, Ashley turns to Addison and Vanessa.
Suddenly, she launches into a series of VERY LOUD, VERY
GUTTURAL WORD-LIKE UTTERANCES, her face unflatteringly
contorted by the effort. It sounds like she's possessed by a
demon who smokes 10 packs a day.
Tonally following the flow of a conversation, Addison and
Vanessa join in: this is their hideous SECRET LANGUAGE (SL).
Other PEOPLE IN THE BAR begin turning around ("what the-?").
Travis and Mitchell look taken aback, then confused, then
totally weirded out.
During each "conversation", SUBTITLES appear on the screen:
ASH: YOU GUYS, HE'S AN ANIMAL DOCTOR. HE LOVES ANIMALS!
VAN: THEY'RE CALLED VETS, NOT ANIMAL DOCTORS. HE'S PROBABLY
ADD: SHUT UP, HE'S INTO HER. OOO, YOU SHOULD TELL HIM ABOUT
ASH: I TOTALLY WILL!
Addison, Ashley and Vanessa finish and calmly turn back.
I'm sorry, you were saying? Also, I
have a cat.
What's going on over here? Is
No, we're fine. You're sweet.
(leaning in; flirty)
Not as sweet as you.
Addison beams, turning to the girls for a line of SL:
ADD: HE TOTALLY LIKES ME!
Addison turns back to Logan, who now looks freaked out.
(trying to move past it)
So, Vanessa! Seen any good movies
Not really. I really want to see
The King's Speech.
Me too! We should go sometime.
Vanessa turns to Addison and Ashley and again they launch
into their SL, really ramping up the sounds. Now there are
longer, deeper noises - they sound like gruff badgers
emitting short bursts of vomit. They punctuate their noises
with hands pounding on the bar. One of them VISIBLY DROOLS
as she makes the noises.
Logan, Mitchell and Travis cringe at the sounds,
increasingly turned off. A COUPLE gets up, covering their
ears, and EXITS THE BAR.
VAN: UM, DID HE JUST ASK ME OUT ON A DATE? SWOON!
ADD: SO CUTE! HE ACTUALLY KIND OF LOOKS LIKE COLIN FIRTH.
ASH: YOU'RE THINKING OF COLIN FARRELL.
ADD: OH YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SUCH A DUMB DUMB!
They finish their convo and turn back. The boys force
smiles. Travis turns to Ashley, trying to salvage this.
You know, you really have beautiful
Aw, thank you.
She turns to the girls for a line of SL. It's just one long
ASH: HE'S THE CUTEST!
Yeah and, um...I feel like I could
get lost in them.
You mean that?
She turns to the girls again and makes a horrendous gurgling
noise emanating from the back of her throat, like someone
drowning in maple syrup.
ASH: THIS IS SO ROMANTIC!
(almost checked out)
Sure, and um...actually I...think
I'm gonna head out.
She turns to the girls, panicked. As they talk, Travis,
Mitchell and Logan get increasingly disgusted. MORE & MORE
PEOPLE leave the bar, until it's totally empty.
From here on, their noises are a combination of all the
descriptions above. Short and deep, long and loud, warbling
and guttural. With some dumb-sounding moans and high-pitched
"yips" thrown in for good measure. They're like rabid
ASH: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? DO I HAVE FOOD IN MY TEETH?
VAN: NOT AT ALL! MAYBE HE'S GAY?
ASH: ARE YOU SURE? DOES MY BREATH SMELL?
ASH: YOU GUYS, WHAT DID I DO?! TRAVIS DOESN'T LIKE ME
On the word "Travis", Ashley clearly says the name "Travis."
Wait...were you just talking about
Because you clearly said my name.
Ashley turns to the girls quickly. "Travis" is again said.
Her face looks uglier than ever - one eye half closed,
ASH: I THINK TRAVIS KNOWS OUR SECRET LANGUAGE.
It was nice meeting you girls.
Have a good one.
The camera follows the guys as they walk towards the exit.
Just before they reach the door, they exchange a few lines
in their own SECRET LANGUAGE, which is SWEET, HIGH-PITCHED
and very GIRLY, like the girls' should have been.
LOG: THAT WAS SO WEIRD.
TRA: TELL ME ABOUT IT.