It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
By Sarah Schneider
INT. BAR - NIGHT ASHLEY BENSON stands near the bar with her girlfriends, VANESSA and ADDISON, early 20s, stylish and adorable. They clink glasses, cheers-ing. ASHLEY You guys, seriously? I've been looking forward to this all week. VANESSA It's Monday. ASHLEY Oh, I start my weeks on Thursdays. That way Monday feels like Friday. VANESSA Makes sense. ADDISON Um, don't look now, but those guys behind you? The ones without goatees? They're coming over here. Ashley and Vanessa turn to look. Three CUTE GUYS, early 20s and clean-shaven, head towards them. They turn back. ASHLEY Oh my god, they're so cute! Okay remember: if you want to talk about them in front of them, just use our secret language. Got it? ADDISON/VANESSA Got it. LOGAN (arriving; to Addison) Hi there. I'm Logan. These are my friends Travis and Mitchell. Can we buy you girls a drink? ADDISON I'd love a martini. Logan winks and heads to the bar. ASHLEY So Travis, what do you do? TRAVIS I'm a doctor. Of animals. ASHLEY Seriously? (she shares a look with Addison and Vanessa) Um, can you hold on, just, one second? Smiling sweetly, Ashley turns to Addison and Vanessa. Suddenly, she launches into a series of VERY LOUD, VERY GUTTURAL WORD-LIKE UTTERANCES, her face unflatteringly contorted by the effort. It sounds like she's possessed by a demon who smokes 10 packs a day. Tonally following the flow of a conversation, Addison and Vanessa join in: this is their hideous SECRET LANGUAGE (SL). Other PEOPLE IN THE BAR begin turning around ("what the-?"). Travis and Mitchell look taken aback, then confused, then totally weirded out. During each "conversation", SUBTITLES appear on the screen: ASH: YOU GUYS, HE'S AN ANIMAL DOCTOR. HE LOVES ANIMALS! VAN: THEY'RE CALLED VETS, NOT ANIMAL DOCTORS. HE'S PROBABLY LYING. ADD: SHUT UP, HE'S INTO HER. OOO, YOU SHOULD TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR CAT! ASH: I TOTALLY WILL! Addison, Ashley and Vanessa finish and calmly turn back. ASHLEY I'm sorry, you were saying? Also, I have a cat. LOGAN (running back) What's going on over here? Is someone hurt? ADDISON (laughs) No, we're fine. You're sweet. LOGAN (leaning in; flirty) Not as sweet as you. Addison beams, turning to the girls for a line of SL: ADD: HE TOTALLY LIKES ME! Addison turns back to Logan, who now looks freaked out. MITCHELL (trying to move past it) So, Vanessa! Seen any good movies lately? VANESSA Not really. I really want to see The King's Speech. MITCHELL Me too! We should go sometime. Vanessa turns to Addison and Ashley and again they launch into their SL, really ramping up the sounds. Now there are longer, deeper noises - they sound like gruff badgers emitting short bursts of vomit. They punctuate their noises with hands pounding on the bar. One of them VISIBLY DROOLS as she makes the noises. Logan, Mitchell and Travis cringe at the sounds, increasingly turned off. A COUPLE gets up, covering their ears, and EXITS THE BAR. VAN: UM, DID HE JUST ASK ME OUT ON A DATE? SWOON! ADD: SO CUTE! HE ACTUALLY KIND OF LOOKS LIKE COLIN FIRTH. ASH: YOU'RE THINKING OF COLIN FARRELL. ADD: OH YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SUCH A DUMB DUMB! They finish their convo and turn back. The boys force smiles. Travis turns to Ashley, trying to salvage this. TRAVIS You know, you really have beautiful eyes. ASHLEY (very sweetly) Aw, thank you. She turns to the girls for a line of SL. It's just one long "BLLUUUUUUUHHHHHHGGH." ASH: HE'S THE CUTEST! TRAVIS (losing steam) Yeah and, um...I feel like I could get lost in them. ASHLEY You mean that? She turns to the girls again and makes a horrendous gurgling noise emanating from the back of her throat, like someone drowning in maple syrup. ASH: THIS IS SO ROMANTIC! TRAVIS (almost checked out) Sure, and um...actually I...think I'm gonna head out. She turns to the girls, panicked. As they talk, Travis, Mitchell and Logan get increasingly disgusted. MORE & MORE PEOPLE leave the bar, until it's totally empty. From here on, their noises are a combination of all the descriptions above. Short and deep, long and loud, warbling and guttural. With some dumb-sounding moans and high-pitched "yips" thrown in for good measure. They're like rabid animals. ASH: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? DO I HAVE FOOD IN MY TEETH? VAN: NOT AT ALL! MAYBE HE'S GAY? ASH: ARE YOU SURE? DOES MY BREATH SMELL? TRAVIS Jesus. ASH: YOU GUYS, WHAT DID I DO?! TRAVIS DOESN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE! On the word "Travis", Ashley clearly says the name "Travis." TRAVIS Wait...were you just talking about me? ASHLEY What? No!...Why? TRAVIS Because you clearly said my name. Ashley turns to the girls quickly. "Travis" is again said. Her face looks uglier than ever - one eye half closed, contorted lips. ASH: I THINK TRAVIS KNOWS OUR SECRET LANGUAGE. LOGAN (getting up) It was nice meeting you girls. MITCHELL Have a good one. The camera follows the guys as they walk towards the exit. Just before they reach the door, they exchange a few lines in their own SECRET LANGUAGE, which is SWEET, HIGH-PITCHED and very GIRLY, like the girls' should have been. LOG: THAT WAS SO WEIRD. TRA: TELL ME ABOUT IT. END.