For Pat's parents, it's 5:00 everywhere.
By Sarah Schneider and Streeter Seidell
INT. OFFICE Pat enters, already embarrassed. PAT (to office) Hey guys, my parents are coming in today so just, like...I'm sorry. Street and Sarah enter, as a boozy old couple, each with a drink in their hands. STREET Jesus Sheila, look at this dump. SARAH I know, Harold. I feel like I could catch a disease in here. STREET It'd be like spring break '78 all over again. SARAH That wasn't me, you fat drunk, that was Peggy Markess. Not like it stopped you from fucking her. PAT (to self) Jesus... STREET Ah, go suck a dick, Sheila. If you can still remember how! (to room) Seriously, 3 years since she's performed her wifely duty! SARAH Well maybe I would if your balls didn't look like rotten fruit. PAT Hey Mom and Dad. Sarah side-hugs Pat. SARAH Oh hi sweetie. So this is your office? PAT Yup, and these are some of my co-workers. This is Amir. Amir smiles and holds out his hand. STREET Yeah, yeah. The one from the comedy skits. He's stranger looking in person, huh Sheila? SARAH Very, very Jewish. Sarah notices Jeff. SARAH OH! Look at this tiny man, Harold! STREET JESUS! What happened to the rest of him? SARAH Someone needs to get him back to the north pole! STREET That's a good one, Sheil! They crack up again. PAT Um, yeah, that's Jeff. He's a friend of mine. STREET This kid? Patty, I used to stuff kids like this in lockers and now you're friends with them? SARAH It's true, Patty, your father was the king of our high school. Which is why I let him stick it in me. STREET Not anymore, though. Seriously, son, your mother dried out like a desert after her 45th birthday. PAT Come ON! I don't want to hear that. SARAH Not like it matters, since your father hasn't had an erection since Clinton was President. I swear, I wanted him to get checked for diabetes. I said, 'maybe the blood just isn't flowing anymore.' The STAFF are staring at them. STREET Oh it flows fine, I'm just not turned on by gray pubic hair and tits that look like deflated Sockem Boppers. You remember those, right Paty? We got you a pair when you were 8. Pat looks miserable. PAT Please stop. SARAH Hey, these saggy shits are your fault, Patty. Sucked the life right out of them. But I tell your father, you're not gonna do any better! You show me a girl that won't throw up when she sees your limp dick and I'll give you a million dollars!' STREET And I say - Patty - I say, 'Where you gonna get a million dollars, you dried out manatee? Unless there's a cash prize for the fattest ass and widest hips! (to room) Where's the waitress? I need another gimlet. SARAH And I need another whiskey ginger, because I don't drink like I have a vagina. STREET You barely do, anyway! PAT (mortified) There's no waiter here. This is an office. Angle on MARINA. STREET What are you talking about, there she is. Street and Sarah hand a confused Marina their empty glasses. STREET Gimlet, rocks, with Stoli and my dog here will have a whiskey ginger. SARAH (to Marina) Spit into his and I'll tip you 10%. That's 5% more than usual. Pat motions to Marina like 'so sorry.' She walks away, still confused. STREET Now, where are you taking your ol' Mom and Dad for lunch? PAT Well, we could go to this diner nearby. They have great burgers- SARAH I would just love to have some sushi. Wouldn't you, Harold? STREET I can't eat sushi anymore after last time I had a snack in the basement, if you know what I mean. A Beat. Then... PAT UGH! SARAH For Christ's sake, Harold, all women have a scent sometimes. STREET That wasn't a scent, Sheila, that was a stench. SARAH Oh, and you're a model of hygiene. You don't use toothpaste when you brush, and you never wash your hands after you shit. STREET So what?! I don't shit on my hands, why wash them?! PAT I'm not really hungry anym- Marina walks past. STREET (CONT'D) Where's my drink, sugar? Ya know, you're people are the la- PAT (panicked, cutting Street off) OK, THAT'S ENOUGH!