For Pat's parents, it's 5:00 everywhere.
By Sarah Schneider and Streeter Seidell
Pat enters, already embarrassed.
Hey guys, my parents are coming in
today so just, like...I'm sorry.
Street and Sarah enter, as a boozy old couple, each with a
drink in their hands.
Jesus Sheila, look at this dump.
I know, Harold. I feel like I could
catch a disease in here.
It'd be like spring break '78 all
That wasn't me, you fat drunk, that
was Peggy Markess. Not like it
stopped you from fucking her.
Ah, go suck a dick, Sheila. If you
can still remember how!
Seriously, 3 years since she's
performed her wifely duty!
Well maybe I would if your balls
didn't look like rotten fruit.
Hey Mom and Dad.
Sarah side-hugs Pat.
Oh hi sweetie. So this is your
Yup, and these are some of my
co-workers. This is Amir.
Amir smiles and holds out his hand.
Yeah, yeah. The one from the comedy
skits. He's stranger looking in
person, huh Sheila?
Very, very Jewish.
Sarah notices Jeff.
OH! Look at this tiny man, Harold!
JESUS! What happened to the rest of
Someone needs to get him back to
the north pole!
That's a good one, Sheil!
They crack up again.
Um, yeah, that's Jeff. He's a
friend of mine.
This kid? Patty, I used to stuff
kids like this in lockers and now
you're friends with them?
It's true, Patty, your father was
the king of our high school. Which
is why I let him stick it in me.
Not anymore, though. Seriously,
son, your mother dried out like a
desert after her 45th birthday.
Come ON! I don't want to hear that.
Not like it matters, since your
father hasn't had an erection since
Clinton was President. I swear, I
wanted him to get checked for
diabetes. I said, 'maybe the blood
just isn't flowing anymore.'
The STAFF are staring at them.
Oh it flows fine, I'm just not
turned on by gray pubic hair and
tits that look like deflated Sockem
Boppers. You remember those, right
Paty? We got you a pair when you
Pat looks miserable.
Hey, these saggy shits are your
fault, Patty. Sucked the life right
out of them. But I tell your
father, you're not gonna do any
better! You show me a girl that
won't throw up when she sees your
limp dick and I'll give you a
And I say - Patty - I say, 'Where
you gonna get a million dollars,
you dried out manatee? Unless
there's a cash prize for the
fattest ass and widest hips!
Where's the waitress? I need
And I need another whiskey ginger,
because I don't drink like I have a
You barely do, anyway!
There's no waiter here. This is an
Angle on MARINA.
What are you talking about, there
Street and Sarah hand a confused Marina their empty glasses.
Gimlet, rocks, with Stoli and my
dog here will have a whiskey
Spit into his and I'll tip you 10%.
That's 5% more than usual.
Pat motions to Marina like 'so sorry.' She walks away, still
Now, where are you taking your ol'
Mom and Dad for lunch?
Well, we could go to this diner
nearby. They have great burgers-
I would just love to have some
sushi. Wouldn't you, Harold?
I can't eat sushi anymore after
last time I had a snack in the
basement, if you know what I mean.
A Beat. Then...
For Christ's sake, Harold, all
women have a scent sometimes.
That wasn't a scent, Sheila, that
was a stench.
Oh, and you're a model of hygiene.
You don't use toothpaste when you
brush, and you never wash your
hands after you shit.
So what?! I don't shit on my hands,
why wash them?!
I'm not really hungry anym-
Marina walks past.
Where's my drink, sugar? Ya know,
you're people are the la-
(panicked, cutting Street off)
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH!