Hardly Working: Boozy Couple

By

Sarah Schneider and Streeter Seidell

          INT. OFFICE

          Pat enters, already embarrassed.

                              PAT
                         (to office)
                    Hey guys, my parents are coming in
                    today so just, like...I'm sorry.

          Street and Sarah enter, as a boozy old couple, each with a
          drink in their hands.

                              STREET
                    Jesus Sheila, look at this dump.

                              SARAH
                    I know, Harold. I feel like I could
                    catch a disease in here.

                              STREET
                    It'd be like spring break '78 all
                    over again.

                              SARAH
                    That wasn't me, you fat drunk, that
                    was Peggy Markess. Not like it
                    stopped you from fucking her.
                    

                              PAT
                         (to self)
                    Jesus...

                              STREET
                    Ah, go suck a dick, Sheila. If you
                    can still remember how!
                         (to room)
                    Seriously, 3 years since she's
                    performed her wifely duty!

                              SARAH
                    Well maybe I would if your balls
                    didn't look like rotten fruit.

                              PAT
                    Hey Mom and Dad.

          Sarah side-hugs Pat.

                              SARAH
                    Oh hi sweetie. So this is your
                    office?

                              PAT
                    Yup, and these are some of my
                    co-workers. This is Amir.

          Amir smiles and holds out his hand.

                              STREET
                    Yeah, yeah. The one from the comedy
                    skits. He's stranger looking in
                    person, huh Sheila?

                              SARAH
                    Very, very Jewish.

          Sarah notices Jeff.

                              SARAH
                    OH! Look at this tiny man, Harold!

                              STREET
                    JESUS! What happened to the rest of
                    him?

                              SARAH
                    Someone needs to get him back to
                    the north pole!

                              STREET
                    That's a good one, Sheil!

          They crack up again.

                              PAT
                    Um, yeah, that's Jeff. He's a
                    friend of mine.

                              STREET
                    This kid? Patty, I used to stuff
                    kids like this in lockers and now
                    you're friends with them?

                              SARAH
                    It's true, Patty, your father was
                    the king of our high school. Which
                    is why I let him stick it in me.

                              STREET
                    Not anymore, though. Seriously,
                    son, your mother dried out like a
                    desert after her 45th birthday.

                              PAT
                    Come ON! I don't want to hear that.

                              SARAH
                    Not like it matters, since your
                    father hasn't had an erection since
                    Clinton was President. I swear, I
                    wanted him to get checked for
                    diabetes. I said, 'maybe the blood
                    just isn't flowing anymore.'

          The STAFF are staring at them.

                              STREET
                    Oh it flows fine, I'm just not
                    turned on by gray pubic hair and
                    tits that look like deflated Sockem
                    Boppers. You remember those, right
                    Paty? We got you a pair when you
                    were 8.

          Pat looks miserable.

                              PAT
                    Please stop.

                              SARAH
                    Hey, these saggy shits are your
                    fault, Patty. Sucked the life right
                    out of them. But I tell your
                    father, you're not gonna do any
                    better! You show me a girl that
                    won't throw up when she sees your
                    limp dick and I'll give you a
                    million dollars!'

                              STREET
                    And I say - Patty - I say, 'Where
                    you gonna get a million dollars,
                    you dried out manatee? Unless
                    there's a cash prize for the
                    fattest ass and widest hips!
                         (to room)
                    Where's the waitress? I need
                    another gimlet.

                              SARAH
                    And I need another whiskey ginger,
                    because I don't drink like I have a
                    vagina.

                              STREET
                    You barely do, anyway!

                              PAT
                         (mortified)
                    There's no waiter here. This is an
                    office.

          Angle on MARINA.

                              STREET
                    What are you talking about, there
                    she is.

          Street and Sarah hand a confused Marina their empty glasses.

                              STREET
                    Gimlet, rocks, with Stoli and my
                    dog here will have a whiskey
                    ginger.

                              SARAH
                         (to Marina)
                    Spit into his and I'll tip you 10%.
                    That's 5% more than usual.

          Pat motions to Marina like 'so sorry.' She walks away, still
          confused.

                              STREET
                    Now, where are you taking your ol'
                    Mom and Dad for lunch?

                              PAT
                    Well, we could go to this diner
                    nearby. They have great burgers-

                              SARAH
                    I would just love to have some
                    sushi. Wouldn't you, Harold?

                              STREET
                    I can't eat sushi anymore after
                    last time I had a snack in the
                    basement, if you know what I mean.

          A Beat. Then...

                              PAT
                    UGH!

                              SARAH
                    For Christ's sake, Harold, all
                    women have a scent sometimes.

                              STREET
                    That wasn't a scent, Sheila, that
                    was a stench.

                              SARAH
                    Oh, and you're a model of hygiene.
                    You don't use toothpaste when you
                    brush, and you never wash your
                    hands after you shit.

                              STREET
                    So what?! I don't shit on my hands,
                    why wash them?!

                              PAT
                    I'm not really hungry anym-

          Marina walks past.

                              STREET (CONT'D)
                    Where's my drink, sugar? Ya know,
                    you're people are the la-

                              PAT
                         (panicked, cutting Street off)
                    OK, THAT'S ENOUGH!