From CH Staff on
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By Dan Gurewitch & Patrick Cassels
EXT. WAYNE GRETZKY'S HOUSE - DAY WAYNE GRETZKY stands in the road, far from his house, holding a hockey stick, and addresses the camera. Similar to the tone of actual viral videos like this, Wayne adopts the self-satisfied snarky attitude of a teenager. WAYNE Hi, I'm Wayne Gretzky. Sometimes I see people trying trick shots on the Internet, and it's embarrassing. So today I'm going to show you scrubs how it's done, GRETZKY STYLE. Wayne slapshots the puck. It flies towards his house. We hear a DOORBELL IN THE DISTANCE. Wayne smirks at camera as SOMEONE OPENS THE DOOR, confused. EXT. WAYNE'S GARAGE Wayne presses a button on a garage door remote. The door closes towards the ground. Just as it's about to hit the ground, Wayne slapshots a puck, which becomes lodged between the door and the ground. Wayne smirks at camera. Behind him, the door CREAKS and MOANS against the pressure. INT. WAYNE'S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM) Wayne sits in a recliner (unreclined). WAYNE You lazybones will like this one. Wayne slapshots a puck from a sitting position. It ricochets around the room, off a few walls, then hits the button on the side of his chair - opening it up into a reclining position. He sighs in self-satisfied relaxation. EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE Wayne stands next to the side of his house, hitting a puck against a wall OVER AND OVER again with a cocky smile. It never touches the ground, just ricocheting between the wall and his constantly-swinging hockey stick. INT. WAYNE'S HOUSE (KITCHEN) Wayne carefully places a puck on its edge. WAYNE This one's all about finesse. He slapshots the puck, which proceeds to SPIN RAPIDLY IN PLACE, without moving at all. It goes on a little too long. Wayne smiles at camera, knowing how awesome he is. EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE Wayne slapshots the puck across his yard - it hits a beehive. A swarm of bees emerge, buzzing around. WAYNE Wait for it... The bees swarm around the puck, pick it up, and carry it into the goal. Wayne throws up two SHOCKER HAND-MOTIONS. EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE WAYNE This one's for Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer. Wayne slapshots seven pucks in a row. Each ricochets off different parts of the goal's metal crossbars; they play the opening notes of the "Seinfeld" theme. He smirks. INT. WAYNE'S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM) Wayne holds his stick with an odd-looking grip. WAYNE This works about half the time. He slapshots the puck. THE CAMERA whips forward, then stops, backtracks and finds the puck MOVING SUPER SLOW. WAYNE Just kidding. I can do this in my sleep. EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE (DRIVEWAY) Two goals are set up. Wayne slapshots the puck. Hard. The puck SPLITS INTO TWO HALVES. Each half lands in two separate goals. Wayne pumps his fist, excited. WAYNE Boo yah! EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE Wayne slapshots the puck directly into a bare tree. Like magic, the tree instantly sprouts colorful leaves. WAYNE Spring has sprung. EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE Wayne looks up and slapshots the puck. It zooms impossibly upward, toward the moon. We hear a faint "boom." The moon starts to plummet to earth, shaking and making rumbling noises. WAYNE Oh, s**t. Let's get out of here. Wayne scurries away like a teenage kid in trouble. END.