Wayne Gretzky's Trick Shots!!

By

Dan Gurewitch & Patrick Cassels

          EXT. WAYNE GRETZKY'S HOUSE - DAY

          WAYNE GRETZKY stands in the road, far from his house,
          holding a hockey stick, and addresses the camera. Similar to
          the tone of actual viral videos like this, Wayne adopts the
          self-satisfied snarky attitude of a teenager.

                              WAYNE
                    Hi, I'm Wayne Gretzky. Sometimes I
                    see people trying trick shots on
                    the Internet, and it's
                    embarrassing. So today I'm going to
                    show you scrubs how it's done,
                    GRETZKY STYLE.

          Wayne slapshots the puck. It flies towards his house. We
          hear a DOORBELL IN THE DISTANCE. Wayne smirks at camera as
          SOMEONE OPENS THE DOOR, confused.

          EXT. WAYNE'S GARAGE

          Wayne presses a button on a garage door remote. The door
          closes towards the ground. Just as it's about to hit the
          ground, Wayne slapshots a puck, which becomes lodged between
          the door and the ground. Wayne smirks at camera. Behind him,
          the door CREAKS and MOANS against the pressure.

          INT. WAYNE'S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM)

          Wayne sits in a recliner (unreclined).

                              WAYNE
                    You lazybones will like this one.

          Wayne slapshots a puck from a sitting position. It ricochets
          around the room, off a few walls, then hits the button on
          the side of his chair - opening it up into a reclining
          position. He sighs in self-satisfied relaxation.

          EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE

          Wayne stands next to the side of his house, hitting a puck
          against a wall OVER AND OVER again with a cocky smile. It
          never touches the ground, just ricocheting between the wall
          and his constantly-swinging hockey stick.

          INT. WAYNE'S HOUSE (KITCHEN)

          Wayne carefully places a puck on its edge.

                              WAYNE
                    This one's all about finesse.

          He slapshots the puck, which proceeds to SPIN RAPIDLY IN
          PLACE, without moving at all. It goes on a little too long.
          Wayne smiles at camera, knowing how awesome he is.

          EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE

          Wayne slapshots the puck across his yard - it hits a
          beehive. A swarm of bees emerge, buzzing around.

                              WAYNE
                    Wait for it...

          The bees swarm around the puck, pick it up, and carry it
          into the goal. Wayne throws up two SHOCKER HAND-MOTIONS.

          EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE

                              WAYNE
                    This one's for Jerry, George,
                    Elaine and Kramer.

          Wayne slapshots seven pucks in a row. Each ricochets off
          different parts of the goal's metal crossbars; they play the
          opening notes of the "Seinfeld" theme. He smirks.

          INT. WAYNE'S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM)

          Wayne holds his stick with an odd-looking grip.

                              WAYNE
                    This works about half the time.

          He slapshots the puck. THE CAMERA whips forward, then stops,
          backtracks and finds the puck MOVING SUPER SLOW.

                              WAYNE
                    Just kidding. I can do this in my
                    sleep.

          EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE (DRIVEWAY)

          Two goals are set up. Wayne slapshots the puck. Hard. The
          puck SPLITS INTO TWO HALVES. Each half lands in two separate
          goals. Wayne pumps his fist, excited.

                              WAYNE
                    Boo yah!

          EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE

          Wayne slapshots the puck directly into a bare tree. Like
          magic, the tree instantly sprouts colorful leaves.

                              WAYNE
                    Spring has sprung.

          EXT. WAYNE'S HOUSE

          Wayne looks up and slapshots the puck. It zooms impossibly
          upward, toward the moon. We hear a
          faint "boom." The moon starts to plummet to earth, shaking
          and making rumbling noises.

                              WAYNE
                    Oh, s**t. Let's get out of here.

          Wayne scurries away like a teenage kid in trouble.

          END.