They swear it won't happen again.
By Streeter Seidell
TITLE CARD: What if political figures were always forced to
resign for being sexually inappropriate in private?
We JUMP CUT between various politicians in mid-speech. Each
is at a podium, or its historic equivalent. A title card
identifies each politician.
NOTE: The speech should flow seamlessly between cuts,
including when the speech is coming from the radio.
I'm here today to again apologize
for the personal mistakes I have
made and the embarrassment I have
caused. I make this apology to my
neighbors and constituents but I
make it particularly to my wife.
My private conduct has been a
disappointment to my family, my
nation and myself.
A ROYAL GUARD strips off Charles' medals.
So I am resigning my position,
effective immediately. Though my -
Cut to Al Gore watching TV. He pumps his arm.
- private behavior has never once
distracted me from my duty to you,
as your, uh, representative, I am,
CUT to FIDEL CASTRO watching on TV. He pumps his arm.
- clearly not the right person to
lead this nation. I want to stress
again how deeply sorry I am that I
was not able to better control -
CUT to a few NAZI soldiers listening on the radio. They pump
- my personal yearnings. It's clear
to me now that my addiction to sex
BEN FRANKLIN, standing among other dignitaries, interrupts.
Tommy gotta have it!
Jefferson powers through.
-ahem, My addiction to sex is -
CATHERINE THE GREAT
- the source of my personal and
professional troubles. I...hope
that whomever holds this office
after me can -
Catherine is distracted by a HORSE in the BG. She looks
nervously at it.
-realize that by benefit of their
office, they owe the public
fidelity in both their professional
and private lives. And -
A bunch of CONQUISTADORS storm in, yelling.
- though you may no longer respect
me as a man, I ask that-
He puts his arm around CLEOPATRA.
- you still respect the office I
held. In closing, I am deeply sorry
for my behavior and to those who my
behavior hurt. I -
He puts his arm around CLEOPATRA, in the exact same way.
ALEXANDER THE GREAT
- remind you that all political
figures are simply human beings,
subject to the same desires and
weaknesses as everyone else. There
will never be a perfect politician
because there are no perfect men.
He puts his arm around an oiled-up BOY, in the same way. His
hand keeps slipping off the Oiled Boy's shoulder, making a
(EXTREMELY Distinguish British
I thank you for giving me the honor
of serving you and I hope your next
leader is able to control his
sexual appetites with more
discipline than I. Thank you.
Cut to the Monkey Reporters, taking notes.
Cut back to the leader monkey who is masturbating and
Hitler is at a press conference.
Sexual affair? Nope. I've been a