Sex Scandal Resignations Through History

By

Streeter Seidell

          TITLE CARD: What if political figures were always forced to
          resign for being sexually inappropriate in private?

          We JUMP CUT between various politicians in mid-speech. Each
          is at a podium, or its historic equivalent. A title card
          identifies each politician.

          NOTE: The speech should flow seamlessly between cuts,
          including when the speech is coming from the radio.

                              ANTHONY WEINER
                    I'm here today to again apologize
                    for the personal mistakes I have
                    made and the embarrassment I have
                    caused. I make this apology to my
                    neighbors and constituents but I
                    make it particularly to my wife.

                              PRINCE CHARLES
                    My private conduct has been a
                    disappointment to my family, my
                    nation and myself.

          A ROYAL GUARD strips off Charles' medals.

                              BILL CLINTON
                    So I am resigning my position,
                    effective immediately. Though my -

          Cut to Al Gore watching TV. He pumps his arm.

                              JFK
                    - private behavior has never once
                    distracted me from my duty to you,
                    as your, uh, representative, I am,
                    uh -

          CUT to FIDEL CASTRO watching on TV. He pumps his arm.

                              FDR
                    - clearly not the right person to
                    lead this nation. I want to stress
                    again how deeply sorry I am that I
                    was not able to better control -

          CUT to a few NAZI soldiers listening on the radio. They pump
          their arms.

                              JEFFERSON
                    - my personal yearnings. It's clear
                    to me now that my addiction to sex
                    is-

          BEN FRANKLIN, standing among other dignitaries, interrupts.

                              BEN FRANKLIN
                         (yelling/laughing)
                    Tommy gotta have it!

          Jefferson powers through.

                              JEFFERSON
                    -ahem, My addiction to sex is -

                              CATHERINE THE GREAT
                    - the source of my personal and
                    professional troubles. I...hope
                    that whomever holds this office
                    after me can -

          Catherine is distracted by a HORSE in the BG. She looks
          nervously at it.

                              ELIZABETH I
                    -realize that by benefit of their
                    office, they owe the public
                    fidelity in both their professional
                    and private lives. And - 

          A bunch of CONQUISTADORS storm in, yelling.

                              MARK ANTHONY
                    - though you may no longer respect
                    me as a man, I ask that-
                    

          He puts his arm around CLEOPATRA.

                              CAESAR
                    - you still respect the office I
                    held. In closing, I am deeply sorry
                    for my behavior and to those who my
                    behavior hurt. I -

          He puts his arm around CLEOPATRA, in the exact same way.

                              ALEXANDER THE GREAT
                    - remind you that all political
                    figures are simply human beings,
                    subject to the same desires and
                    weaknesses as everyone else. There
                    will never be a perfect politician
                    because there are no perfect men.
                    So -

          He puts his arm around an oiled-up BOY, in the same way. His
          hand keeps slipping off the Oiled Boy's shoulder, making a
          SQUEAK.

                              MONKEY
                         (EXTREMELY Distinguish British
                         Voice)
                    I thank you for giving me the honor
                    of serving you and I hope your next
                    leader is able to control his
                    sexual appetites with more
                    discipline than I. Thank you.

          Cut to the Monkey Reporters, taking notes.

          Cut back to the leader monkey who is masturbating and
          MONKEY-HOWLING

          END.

          POST-HUH:

          Hitler is at a press conference.

                              HITLER
                         (in German)
                    Sexual affair? Nope. I've been a
                    good boy.