They swear it won't happen again.
By Streeter Seidell
TITLE CARD: What if political figures were always forced to resign for being sexually inappropriate in private? We JUMP CUT between various politicians in mid-speech. Each is at a podium, or its historic equivalent. A title card identifies each politician. NOTE: The speech should flow seamlessly between cuts, including when the speech is coming from the radio. ANTHONY WEINER I'm here today to again apologize for the personal mistakes I have made and the embarrassment I have caused. I make this apology to my neighbors and constituents but I make it particularly to my wife. PRINCE CHARLES My private conduct has been a disappointment to my family, my nation and myself. A ROYAL GUARD strips off Charles' medals. BILL CLINTON So I am resigning my position, effective immediately. Though my - Cut to Al Gore watching TV. He pumps his arm. JFK - private behavior has never once distracted me from my duty to you, as your, uh, representative, I am, uh - CUT to FIDEL CASTRO watching on TV. He pumps his arm. FDR - clearly not the right person to lead this nation. I want to stress again how deeply sorry I am that I was not able to better control - CUT to a few NAZI soldiers listening on the radio. They pump their arms. JEFFERSON - my personal yearnings. It's clear to me now that my addiction to sex is- BEN FRANKLIN, standing among other dignitaries, interrupts. BEN FRANKLIN (yelling/laughing) Tommy gotta have it! Jefferson powers through. JEFFERSON -ahem, My addiction to sex is - CATHERINE THE GREAT - the source of my personal and professional troubles. I...hope that whomever holds this office after me can - Catherine is distracted by a HORSE in the BG. She looks nervously at it. ELIZABETH I -realize that by benefit of their office, they owe the public fidelity in both their professional and private lives. And - A bunch of CONQUISTADORS storm in, yelling. MARK ANTHONY - though you may no longer respect me as a man, I ask that- He puts his arm around CLEOPATRA. CAESAR - you still respect the office I held. In closing, I am deeply sorry for my behavior and to those who my behavior hurt. I - He puts his arm around CLEOPATRA, in the exact same way. ALEXANDER THE GREAT - remind you that all political figures are simply human beings, subject to the same desires and weaknesses as everyone else. There will never be a perfect politician because there are no perfect men. So - He puts his arm around an oiled-up BOY, in the same way. His hand keeps slipping off the Oiled Boy's shoulder, making a SQUEAK. MONKEY (EXTREMELY Distinguish British Voice) I thank you for giving me the honor of serving you and I hope your next leader is able to control his sexual appetites with more discipline than I. Thank you. Cut to the Monkey Reporters, taking notes. Cut back to the leader monkey who is masturbating and MONKEY-HOWLING END. POST-HUH: Hitler is at a press conference. HITLER (in German) Sexual affair? Nope. I've been a good boy.