The world's first antisocial network.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. ANIMATED NOTEPAD
A STICK FIGURE, let's call him STICK, walks up to the
Google+ logo. He stares at it and scratches his head.
By now you've probably heard about
Google+, a new social networking
platform. But there are already so
many of those.
A PENCIL writes the word "NOT" above the Google+.
That's why we've created Not
Google+. Joining is simple: First,
don't join Google+. Then, once
you've done that, don't invite your
friends to join Google+. They'll
all start not inviting their
friends to join, and soon, nobody
will feel any need or desire to
join Google+, and we can all get on
with our lives.
During the above dialogue, the pencil draws an expanding
diagram: Stick sits at a computer. Two lines are drawn to
TWO OTHER FIGURES AT COMPUTERS, and from them lines to THEIR
FRIENDS, then THEIR FRIENDS, etc. onward, zooming out. But
each time a line is drawn, it has a BIG RED "X" over it.
On Not Google+, you'll have fun not
spending hours dividing your
friends into "circles," not having
to update your "stream," and not
worrying about "huddles" and
"hangouts" or even learning what
those words mean!
Stick watches helplessly as the pencil draws an OVERLY
COMPLEX series of doodles, explaining the above terms with
lines, arrows, circled and crossed-out images, etc., as if a
frantic professor on speed is attempting to illustrate.
In fact, Not Google+ has no
learning curve at all - everyone
alive has years of experience using
it! You're an expert!
The doodles are all erased, and the pencil draws a
graduation cap & gown on Stick & puts a degree in his hand.
Not Google+ provides the most
privacy of any social platform.
There's no mobile app to download.
You won't have to worry about
syncing it to FourSquare and
Tumblr, you won't feel a
compulsive, insecure need to
refresh it, and it will never
contribute to an irrational fear of
Various pencil doodles illustrate the above: An open window
shade is DRAWN SHUT next to Stick; a slowly-loading progress
bar breaks in half; a large foot steps on a buzzing cell
phone; Stick sits at his computer sweating, frantically
typing and clicking.
Not Google+ accomplishes all of
this simply by being, by
definition, something that does not
technically exist in the physical
realm. No one has ever received 14
invitations to a one-woman show on
a website that doesn't exist!
On "realm," Stick's computer goes POOF!, vanishing into a
cloud of dust right in front of him. An ANNOYING STICK
FIGURE WOMAN does a dumb little dance in an attempt to
impress Stick; on "doesn't exist," she's erased.
Best of all, you're already a Not
Google+ member. To continue your
membership, simply continue not
Stick stands hesitantly outside a group meeting above which
a hanging banner reads "NOT GOOGLE+ CLUB." The group members
amiably beckon him to join them, he does.
Eat a cantaloupe, clean your
toilet, play tetherball with a
small Portuguese child - as long as
you're not joining Google+, you're
enjoying the benefits of Not
Google+. It's that easy!
Stick does all of the above actions. On "that easy," the
pencil draws a disembodied HAND that HIGH-FIVES Stick.
If you enjoyed our other products,
"Definitely Not Google Wave" and
"Get The Hell Out of Here With That
Google Buzz Thing, Just Stop," you,
like us, understand that the
biggest revolution in social
networking would be for there to be
no more revolutions in social
networking. Not Google+: Because
Pencil draws the excess words above around the Google Wave
and Google Buzz logos. They're erased. Stick walks out of a
computer-filled room into a SUNNY DAY. The Not Google+ logo
appears, with the slogan "Because Enough Already (TM)."