The world's first antisocial network.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. ANIMATED NOTEPAD A STICK FIGURE, let's call him STICK, walks up to the Google+ logo. He stares at it and scratches his head. NARRATOR By now you've probably heard about Google+, a new social networking platform. But there are already so many of those. A PENCIL writes the word "NOT" above the Google+. NARRATOR That's why we've created Not Google+. Joining is simple: First, don't join Google+. Then, once you've done that, don't invite your friends to join Google+. They'll all start not inviting their friends to join, and soon, nobody will feel any need or desire to join Google+, and we can all get on with our lives. During the above dialogue, the pencil draws an expanding diagram: Stick sits at a computer. Two lines are drawn to TWO OTHER FIGURES AT COMPUTERS, and from them lines to THEIR FRIENDS, then THEIR FRIENDS, etc. onward, zooming out. But each time a line is drawn, it has a BIG RED "X" over it. NARRATOR On Not Google+, you'll have fun not spending hours dividing your friends into "circles," not having to update your "stream," and not worrying about "huddles" and "hangouts" or even learning what those words mean! Stick watches helplessly as the pencil draws an OVERLY COMPLEX series of doodles, explaining the above terms with lines, arrows, circled and crossed-out images, etc., as if a frantic professor on speed is attempting to illustrate. NARRATOR In fact, Not Google+ has no learning curve at all - everyone alive has years of experience using it! You're an expert! The doodles are all erased, and the pencil draws a graduation cap & gown on Stick & puts a degree in his hand. NARRATOR Not Google+ provides the most privacy of any social platform. There's no mobile app to download. You won't have to worry about syncing it to FourSquare and Tumblr, you won't feel a compulsive, insecure need to refresh it, and it will never contribute to an irrational fear of "missing out." Various pencil doodles illustrate the above: An open window shade is DRAWN SHUT next to Stick; a slowly-loading progress bar breaks in half; a large foot steps on a buzzing cell phone; Stick sits at his computer sweating, frantically typing and clicking. NARRATOR Not Google+ accomplishes all of this simply by being, by definition, something that does not technically exist in the physical realm. No one has ever received 14 invitations to a one-woman show on a website that doesn't exist! On "realm," Stick's computer goes POOF!, vanishing into a cloud of dust right in front of him. An ANNOYING STICK FIGURE WOMAN does a dumb little dance in an attempt to impress Stick; on "doesn't exist," she's erased. NARRATOR Best of all, you're already a Not Google+ member. To continue your membership, simply continue not joining Google+. Stick stands hesitantly outside a group meeting above which a hanging banner reads "NOT GOOGLE+ CLUB." The group members amiably beckon him to join them, he does. NARRATOR Eat a cantaloupe, clean your toilet, play tetherball with a small Portuguese child - as long as you're not joining Google+, you're enjoying the benefits of Not Google+. It's that easy! Stick does all of the above actions. On "that easy," the pencil draws a disembodied HAND that HIGH-FIVES Stick. NARRATOR If you enjoyed our other products, "Definitely Not Google Wave" and "Get The Hell Out of Here With That Google Buzz Thing, Just Stop," you, like us, understand that the biggest revolution in social networking would be for there to be no more revolutions in social networking. Not Google+: Because Enough Already. Pencil draws the excess words above around the Google Wave and Google Buzz logos. They're erased. Stick walks out of a computer-filled room into a SUNNY DAY. The Not Google+ logo appears, with the slogan "Because Enough Already (TM)." END.