Not Google Plus

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT. ANIMATED NOTEPAD

          A STICK FIGURE, let's call him STICK, walks up to the
          Google+ logo. He stares at it and scratches his head.

                              NARRATOR
                    By now you've probably heard about
                    Google+, a new social networking
                    platform. But there are already so
                    many of those.

          A PENCIL writes the word "NOT" above the Google+.

                              NARRATOR
                    That's why we've created Not
                    Google+. Joining is simple: First,
                    don't join Google+. Then, once
                    you've done that, don't invite your
                    friends to join Google+. They'll
                    all start not inviting their
                    friends to join, and soon, nobody
                    will feel any need or desire to
                    join Google+, and we can all get on
                    with our lives.

          During the above dialogue, the pencil draws an expanding
          diagram: Stick sits at a computer. Two lines are drawn to
          TWO OTHER FIGURES AT COMPUTERS, and from them lines to THEIR
          FRIENDS, then THEIR FRIENDS, etc. onward, zooming out. But
          each time a line is drawn, it has a BIG RED "X" over it.

                              NARRATOR
                    On Not Google+, you'll have fun not
                    spending hours dividing your
                    friends into "circles," not having
                    to update your "stream," and not
                    worrying about "huddles" and
                    "hangouts" or even learning what
                    those words mean!

          Stick watches helplessly as the pencil draws an OVERLY
          COMPLEX series of doodles, explaining the above terms with
          lines, arrows, circled and crossed-out images, etc., as if a
          frantic professor on speed is attempting to illustrate.

                              NARRATOR
                    In fact, Not Google+ has no
                    learning curve at all - everyone
                    alive has years of experience using
                    it! You're an expert!

          The doodles are all erased, and the pencil draws a
          graduation cap & gown on Stick & puts a degree in his hand.

                              NARRATOR
                    Not Google+ provides the most
                    privacy of any social platform.
                    There's no mobile app to download.
                    You won't have to worry about
                    syncing it to FourSquare and
                    Tumblr, you won't feel a
                    compulsive, insecure need to
                    refresh it, and it will never
                    contribute to an irrational fear of
                    "missing out."

          Various pencil doodles illustrate the above: An open window
          shade is DRAWN SHUT next to Stick; a slowly-loading progress
          bar breaks in half; a large foot steps on a buzzing cell
          phone; Stick sits at his computer sweating, frantically
          typing and clicking.

                              NARRATOR
                    Not Google+ accomplishes all of
                    this simply by being, by
                    definition, something that does not
                    technically exist in the physical
                    realm. No one has ever received 14
                    invitations to a one-woman show on
                    a website that doesn't exist!

          On "realm," Stick's computer goes POOF!, vanishing into a
          cloud of dust right in front of him. An ANNOYING STICK
          FIGURE WOMAN does a dumb little dance in an attempt to
          impress Stick; on "doesn't exist," she's erased.

                              NARRATOR
                    Best of all, you're already a Not
                    Google+ member. To continue your
                    membership, simply continue not
                    joining Google+.

          Stick stands hesitantly outside a group meeting above which
          a hanging banner reads "NOT GOOGLE+ CLUB." The group members
          amiably beckon him to join them, he does.

                              NARRATOR
                    Eat a cantaloupe, clean your
                    toilet, play tetherball with a
                    small Portuguese child - as long as
                    you're not joining Google+, you're
                    enjoying the benefits of Not
                    Google+. It's that easy!

          Stick does all of the above actions. On "that easy," the
          pencil draws a disembodied HAND that HIGH-FIVES Stick.

                              NARRATOR
                    If you enjoyed our other products,
                    "Definitely Not Google Wave" and
                    "Get The Hell Out of Here With That
                    Google Buzz Thing, Just Stop," you,
                    like us, understand that the
                    biggest revolution in social
                    networking would be for there to be
                    no more revolutions in social
                    networking. Not Google+: Because
                    Enough Already.

          Pencil draws the excess words above around the Google Wave
          and Google Buzz logos. They're erased. Stick walks out of a
          computer-filled room into a SUNNY DAY. The Not Google+ logo
          appears, with the slogan "Because Enough Already (TM)."

          END.