By Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph
INT. WHITE VOID A CHUBBY GUY, out of breath, tries to tie his shoes. Streeter enters. STREETER (to guy) Uh oh. Are you having trouble breathing and tying your shoes at the same time? I don't want to freak you out, but you're probably getting fat. Before he has a chance to respond, Streeter moves on. Behind him, SKINNY TEENS, one in a GREEN SHIRT, play basketball. STREETER (to camera) I know what you're thinking: "But I was a skinny kid!" We all were. We didn't wear shirts in pools or constantly turn down requests for the Truffle Shuffle. Streeter pulls down a LARGE CHART, obscuring the kids. On it: The EVOLUTION from SKINNY BOY to FAT MAN. Someone O.S. throws Streeter a POINTER, which he uses. STREETER But that was then, and thanks to salt, carbohydrates, and lethargy- Streeter yanks the chart. It flies up, revealing our Chubby Guy, wearing the same GREEN SHIRT and BASKETBALL SHORTS as the kid. He sits in a Lay-Z-Boy with his fingers in a jar of Peanut Butter and a deflated basketball next to him. STREETER -this is now. (to the Chubby Guy) Seriously dude!? Use a spoon! (back to camera) The signs are everywhere: You wear basketball shorts all day. You can't reach the seat-belt. People keep asking you for help in Home Depot. As Streeter talks, STAGEHANDS rotate the Chubby Guy's chair to face camera and put a STEERING WHEEL in front of him. He tries to reach a SEATBELL attached to his chair, but can't. Streeter walks on. An OLDER COUPLE approaches Streeter. OLDER MAN Where are the nailguns? STREETER Come on! I don't work here! (under his breath) Aisle 9. NEW SHOT. Streeter walks into frame as our Chubby Guy and his FRIENDS are hanging out. STREETER Nobody tells you when you're getting fat. Your friends simply refer to you as a 'big guy' or say you're 'bulking up.' Sound like compliments, don't they? The Friends gesticulate. A CGI SPEECH BUBBLE emerges above them, depicting a FOOTBALL PLAYER. Chubby Guy is pleased. STREETER They're not. Phrases like, 'Wow! You've really filled out!' only come up when your friends feel the need to comment on how large you've gotten, but are also afraid that you might eat them. Hearing this, Chubby Guy YANKS DOWN the speech bubble, revealing ANOTHER BUBBLE depicting a FAT GUY in a TOWL. Furious, he chases his friends off of frame. NEW SHOT: Streeter enters frame. As he talks, stagehands hand him a WAND, TOP HAT and CAPE, which he dons. STREETER So yes, you're getting fat. But don't worry. Here are a few tricks that all fat guys use. He approaches the Chubby Guy, standing nervously. STREETER Embarrassed by those rolling rings of fat emerging around your neck? Grow a beard. Presto! Instant chin. Streeter waves his wand, causing a dynamic BEARD to appear on Chubby Guy, who's quite pleased. STREETER But beware: you may have to shave one day and, voila! The Prestige! He was a fat guy all along! Streeter holds his cape in front of Chubby Guy's face then yanks it down. To Chubby Guy's dismay, the beard is GONE. Streeter starts to walk away. CHUBBY GUY Can I have that beard back? Streeter ignores him, taking off his magician accessories as he talks to camera. Chubby Guy follows him in the background, listening eagerly. STREETER Also? Ditch the skinny jeans. Fat people in skinny jeans look like a human ice cream cones. Oh, you love ice cream cones? Of course you do. You're fat. And unless you want to look like someone's made a balloon animal out of your midsection, untuck your shirt. As Streeter talks, our guy RIPS OFF his jeans, revealing looser pants. He untucks his shirt. Worn out, he collapses into a convenient LAY-Z-BOY with FIVE FANS facing it. STREETER And finally, let me introduce you to your new hobby: Sweat management. It takes a lot of effort to move that big ol' body of yours. And unless you plan on spending the rest of your life in an air-conditioned igloo, every step will now be an uphill battle to stay dry. Trust me. Streeter opens his jacket to reveal HORRIBLE, WET PIT STAINS. NEW SHOT: Streeter walks past our chubby guy sitting happily in the middle airplane seat while two NORMALS are squished. He wears an "I'm In Shape; Round Is A Shape" t-shirt. STREETER But hey, it's not all bad! You get to make other people's plane rides uncomfortable and wear our own fat-person-themed T-shirts. But on the whole, unless you somehow make it on Biggest Loser, you've just taken one step toward becoming a bigger loser. One of the KIDS FROM BEFORE runs into frame, dribbling a ball. We now realize he looks kind of like STREETER. STREETER How do I know all of this? Because I was him. And now, I'm one of you. The kid runs off frame. Streeter's WELL-DRESSED BODY walks after him, leaving only a FLOATING HEAD. A NEW BODY, wearing a HOODIE and GYM SHORTS, walks in and takes its place. Streeter, in his new oufit, walks and comes to our CHUBBY GUY, trying to tie his shoe, just like our FIRST SHOT. STREETER Velcro is an option, man. END.