You're Getting Fat

By

Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph

          INT. WHITE VOID

          A CHUBBY GUY, out of breath, tries to tie his shoes.
          Streeter enters.

                              STREETER
                         (to guy)
                    Uh oh. Are you having trouble
                    breathing and tying your shoes at
                    the same time? I don't want to
                    freak you out, but you're probably
                    getting fat.

          Before he has a chance to respond, Streeter moves on. Behind
          him, SKINNY TEENS, one in a GREEN SHIRT, play basketball.

                              STREETER
                         (to camera)
                    I know what you're thinking: "But I
                    was a skinny kid!" We all were. We
                    didn't wear shirts in pools or
                    constantly turn down requests for
                    the Truffle Shuffle.

          Streeter pulls down a LARGE CHART, obscuring the kids. On
          it: The EVOLUTION from SKINNY BOY to FAT MAN. Someone O.S.
          throws Streeter a POINTER, which he uses.

                              STREETER
                    But that was then, and thanks to
                    salt, carbohydrates, and lethargy-

          Streeter yanks the chart. It flies up, revealing our Chubby
          Guy, wearing the same GREEN SHIRT and BASKETBALL SHORTS as
          the kid. He sits in a Lay-Z-Boy with his fingers in a jar of
          Peanut Butter and a deflated basketball next to him.

                              STREETER
                    -this is now.
                         (to the Chubby Guy)
                    Seriously dude!? Use a spoon!
                         (back to camera)
                    The signs are everywhere: You wear
                    basketball shorts all day. You
                    can't reach the seat-belt. People
                    keep asking you for help in Home
                    Depot.

          As Streeter talks, STAGEHANDS rotate the Chubby Guy's chair
          to face camera and put a STEERING WHEEL in front of him. He
          tries to reach a SEATBELL attached to his chair, but can't.

          Streeter walks on. An OLDER COUPLE approaches Streeter.

                              OLDER MAN
                    Where are the nailguns?

                              STREETER
                    Come on! I don't work here!
                         (under his breath)
                    Aisle 9.

          NEW SHOT. Streeter walks into frame as our Chubby Guy and
          his FRIENDS are hanging out.

                              STREETER
                    Nobody tells you when you're
                    getting fat. Your friends simply
                    refer to you as a 'big guy' or say
                    you're 'bulking up.' Sound like
                    compliments, don't they?

          The Friends gesticulate. A CGI SPEECH BUBBLE emerges above
          them, depicting a FOOTBALL PLAYER. Chubby Guy is pleased.

                              STREETER
                    They're not. Phrases like, 'Wow!
                    You've really filled out!' only
                    come up when your friends feel the
                    need to comment on how large you've
                    gotten, but are also afraid that
                    you might eat them.

          Hearing this, Chubby Guy YANKS DOWN the speech bubble,
          revealing ANOTHER BUBBLE depicting a FAT GUY in a TOWL.
          Furious, he chases his friends off of frame.

          NEW SHOT: Streeter enters frame. As he talks, stagehands
          hand him a WAND, TOP HAT and CAPE, which he dons.

                              STREETER
                    So yes, you're getting fat. But
                    don't worry. Here are a few tricks
                    that all fat guys use.

          He approaches the Chubby Guy, standing nervously.

                              STREETER
                    Embarrassed by those rolling rings
                    of fat emerging around your neck?
                    Grow a beard. Presto! Instant chin.

          Streeter waves his wand, causing a dynamic BEARD to appear
          on Chubby Guy, who's quite pleased.

                              STREETER
                    But beware: you may have to shave
                    one day and, voila! The Prestige!
                    He was a fat guy all along!

          Streeter holds his cape in front of Chubby Guy's face then
          yanks it down. To Chubby Guy's dismay, the beard is GONE.
          Streeter starts to walk away.

                              CHUBBY GUY
                    Can I have that beard back?

          Streeter ignores him, taking off his magician accessories as
          he talks to camera. Chubby Guy follows him in the
          background, listening eagerly.

                              STREETER
                    Also? Ditch the skinny jeans. Fat
                    people in skinny jeans look like a
                    human ice cream cones. Oh, you love
                    ice cream cones? Of course you do.
                    You're fat. And unless you want to
                    look like someone's made a balloon
                    animal out of your midsection,
                    untuck your shirt.

          As Streeter talks, our guy RIPS OFF his  jeans, revealing
          looser pants. He untucks his shirt. Worn out, he collapses
          into a convenient LAY-Z-BOY with FIVE FANS facing it.

                              STREETER
                    And finally, let me introduce you
                    to your new hobby: Sweat
                    management. It takes a lot of
                    effort to move that big ol' body of
                    yours. And unless you plan on
                    spending the rest of your life in
                    an air-conditioned igloo, every
                    step will now be an uphill battle
                    to stay dry. Trust me.

          Streeter opens his jacket to reveal HORRIBLE, WET PIT
          STAINS.

          NEW SHOT: Streeter walks past our chubby guy sitting happily
          in the middle airplane seat while two NORMALS are squished.
          He wears an "I'm In Shape; Round Is A Shape" t-shirt.

                              STREETER
                    But hey, it's not all bad! You get
                    to make other people's plane rides
                    uncomfortable and wear our own
                    fat-person-themed T-shirts. But on
                    the whole, unless you somehow make
                    it on Biggest Loser, you've just
                    taken one step toward becoming a
                    bigger loser.

          One of the KIDS FROM BEFORE runs into frame, dribbling a
          ball. We now realize he looks kind of like STREETER.

                              STREETER
                    How do I know all of this? Because
                    I was him. And now, I'm one of you.

          The kid runs off frame. Streeter's WELL-DRESSED BODY walks
          after him, leaving only a FLOATING HEAD. A NEW BODY, wearing
          a HOODIE and GYM SHORTS, walks in and takes its place.

          Streeter, in his new oufit, walks and comes to our CHUBBY
          GUY, trying to tie his shoe, just like our FIRST SHOT.

                              STREETER
                    Velcro is an option, man.

          END.