Sh*tflix

By

Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch

          INT. WHEREVER - DAY

          Stock footage: Netflix web page/logo. People watching TV.
          Qwikster web page/logo.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Here at Netflix, we recently spun
                    off our DVD rental service into a
                    new business: Qwikster. But now,
                    we're doing what Netflix Instant
                    watchers have wanted for years:
                    putting all of our bad streaming
                    content on one convenient new
                    website: Shitflix.

          SHITFLIX LOGO (same as Netflix, new word). Moving forward,
          as the Narrator introduces new category, a mouse clicks that
          category and we scroll through a few EXAMPLE FILMS.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Looking for Netflix Instant's vast
                    collection of straight-to-video
                    sequels starring a minor character
                    from the first movie? Head on over
                    to Shitflix.

          CATEGORY: "Straight-to-Video Sequels." EXAMPLE FILMS: "Ace
          Ventura Jr.," "The Grudge 3," and "Road Trip: Beer Pong."

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    And only Shitflix has famous
                    directors' terrible first efforts,
                    right at your fingertips.

          CATEGORY: "Terrible First Films." EXAMPLE FILMS: "Money
          Talks," "Chronos," and "Bound."

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Remember those film recommendations
                    based on your interests, that
                    somehow don't interest you at all?
                    They're all here for you to ignore.

          CATEGORY: "Wrong Recommendations." EXAMPLES: "At Close
          Range," "Ever After," "MILF."

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    It's perfect for people that hated
                    paying for all of Netflix when all
                    they really wanted to watch was
                    Disney Channel Originals...

          CATEGORY: "Disney Channel Originals." EXAMPLES: "Princess
          Protection Program," "Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure," and
          "Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam."

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    ...and the occasional documentary
                    about how horrible food is.

          CATEGORY: "Food Is Horrible Documentaries." EXAMPLES: "Food
          Inc.," "King Corn," and "Killer At Large."

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Woody Allen is one of Hollywood's
                    most celebrated directors. Now,
                    with Shitflix, you'll have an
                    all-access pass to just his very
                    worst movies. From September to
                    Alice, Shadows and Fog to Scoop,
                    these are the films he's not known
                    for.

          CATEGORY: "Woody's Worst." EXAMPLES: The above-listed
          titles.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Shitflix proudly presents the
                    Internet's largest library of
                    Hispanic stand-up specials, while
                    also featuring all this random
                    British stuff produced between 1989
                    and 1994!

          CATEGORY: "Hispanic Stand-Up." EXAMPLES: "George Lopez: Why
          You Crying?," "Carlos Mencia: No Strings Attached," and
          "Gabriel Iglesias: Hot & Fluffy." CATEGORY: All This Random
          British Stuff: "Bramwell," "Noel's House Party," and "Rab C.
          Nesbitt."

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    If you're into shameless knock-offs
                    like Ratatoing and Transmorphers,
                    and who is?, sign up for a Gold
                    membership.

          CATEGORY: "Shameless Knock-Offs." EXAMPLES: The above-listed
          titles.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Gold members also get access to a
                    staggering amount of anime without
                    anything remotely sexual.

          CATEGORY: "Non-Sexual Anime." EXAMPLE: "Dragonball Z," "Yu
          Gi Oh," and "InuYasha."

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    And just like Netflix spawned
                    Qwikster, Shitflix is proud to
                    present "What-the-Fuckster.com."
                    Recent movies that you've somehow
                    never heard of even though they
                    star multiple very famous actors.

          NEW LOGO: "What-the-Fuckster" in "Qwikster" font. EXAMPLES:
          "Scorched," "Wrecked," and "Grilled."

          Over the following, the Shitflix logo.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    So sign up today for Shitflix,
                    starting at $79.98 a week. Or go to
                    BlockBuster oh wait we bankrupted
                    them eat shit, also Netflix is now
                    just Memento.

          Final logo: "JUST MEMENTO." With a single MEMENTO image.

          END.