From the makers of Qwikster, another new, completely necessary Netflix service.
By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
INT. WHEREVER - DAY Stock footage: Netflix web page/logo. People watching TV. Qwikster web page/logo. NARRATOR (V.O.) Here at Netflix, we recently spun off our DVD rental service into a new business: Qwikster. But now, we're doing what Netflix Instant watchers have wanted for years: putting all of our bad streaming content on one convenient new website: Shitflix. SHITFLIX LOGO (same as Netflix, new word). Moving forward, as the Narrator introduces new category, a mouse clicks that category and we scroll through a few EXAMPLE FILMS. NARRATOR (V.O.) Looking for Netflix Instant's vast collection of straight-to-video sequels starring a minor character from the first movie? Head on over to Shitflix. CATEGORY: "Straight-to-Video Sequels." EXAMPLE FILMS: "Ace Ventura Jr.," "The Grudge 3," and "Road Trip: Beer Pong." NARRATOR (V.O.) And only Shitflix has famous directors' terrible first efforts, right at your fingertips. CATEGORY: "Terrible First Films." EXAMPLE FILMS: "Money Talks," "Chronos," and "Bound." NARRATOR (V.O.) Remember those film recommendations based on your interests, that somehow don't interest you at all? They're all here for you to ignore. CATEGORY: "Wrong Recommendations." EXAMPLES: "At Close Range," "Ever After," "MILF." NARRATOR (V.O.) It's perfect for people that hated paying for all of Netflix when all they really wanted to watch was Disney Channel Originals... CATEGORY: "Disney Channel Originals." EXAMPLES: "Princess Protection Program," "Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure," and "Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam." NARRATOR (V.O.) ...and the occasional documentary about how horrible food is. CATEGORY: "Food Is Horrible Documentaries." EXAMPLES: "Food Inc.," "King Corn," and "Killer At Large." NARRATOR (V.O.) Woody Allen is one of Hollywood's most celebrated directors. Now, with Shitflix, you'll have an all-access pass to just his very worst movies. From September to Alice, Shadows and Fog to Scoop, these are the films he's not known for. CATEGORY: "Woody's Worst." EXAMPLES: The above-listed titles. NARRATOR (V.O.) Shitflix proudly presents the Internet's largest library of Hispanic stand-up specials, while also featuring all this random British stuff produced between 1989 and 1994! CATEGORY: "Hispanic Stand-Up." EXAMPLES: "George Lopez: Why You Crying?," "Carlos Mencia: No Strings Attached," and "Gabriel Iglesias: Hot & Fluffy." CATEGORY: All This Random British Stuff: "Bramwell," "Noel's House Party," and "Rab C. Nesbitt." NARRATOR (V.O.) If you're into shameless knock-offs like Ratatoing and Transmorphers, and who is?, sign up for a Gold membership. CATEGORY: "Shameless Knock-Offs." EXAMPLES: The above-listed titles. NARRATOR (V.O.) Gold members also get access to a staggering amount of anime without anything remotely sexual. CATEGORY: "Non-Sexual Anime." EXAMPLE: "Dragonball Z," "Yu Gi Oh," and "InuYasha." NARRATOR (V.O.) And just like Netflix spawned Qwikster, Shitflix is proud to present "What-the-Fuckster.com." Recent movies that you've somehow never heard of even though they star multiple very famous actors. NEW LOGO: "What-the-Fuckster" in "Qwikster" font. EXAMPLES: "Scorched," "Wrecked," and "Grilled." Over the following, the Shitflix logo. NARRATOR (V.O.) So sign up today for Shitflix, starting at $79.98 a week. Or go to BlockBuster oh wait we bankrupted them eat shit, also Netflix is now just Memento. Final logo: "JUST MEMENTO." With a single MEMENTO image. END.