From the makers of Qwikster, another new, completely necessary Netflix service.
By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
INT. WHEREVER - DAY
Stock footage: Netflix web page/logo. People watching TV.
Qwikster web page/logo.
Here at Netflix, we recently spun
off our DVD rental service into a
new business: Qwikster. But now,
we're doing what Netflix Instant
watchers have wanted for years:
putting all of our bad streaming
content on one convenient new
SHITFLIX LOGO (same as Netflix, new word). Moving forward,
as the Narrator introduces new category, a mouse clicks that
category and we scroll through a few EXAMPLE FILMS.
Looking for Netflix Instant's vast
collection of straight-to-video
sequels starring a minor character
from the first movie? Head on over
CATEGORY: "Straight-to-Video Sequels." EXAMPLE FILMS: "Ace
Ventura Jr.," "The Grudge 3," and "Road Trip: Beer Pong."
And only Shitflix has famous
directors' terrible first efforts,
right at your fingertips.
CATEGORY: "Terrible First Films." EXAMPLE FILMS: "Money
Talks," "Chronos," and "Bound."
Remember those film recommendations
based on your interests, that
somehow don't interest you at all?
They're all here for you to ignore.
CATEGORY: "Wrong Recommendations." EXAMPLES: "At Close
Range," "Ever After," "MILF."
It's perfect for people that hated
paying for all of Netflix when all
they really wanted to watch was
Disney Channel Originals...
CATEGORY: "Disney Channel Originals." EXAMPLES: "Princess
Protection Program," "Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure," and
"Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam."
...and the occasional documentary
about how horrible food is.
CATEGORY: "Food Is Horrible Documentaries." EXAMPLES: "Food
Inc.," "King Corn," and "Killer At Large."
Woody Allen is one of Hollywood's
most celebrated directors. Now,
with Shitflix, you'll have an
all-access pass to just his very
worst movies. From September to
Alice, Shadows and Fog to Scoop,
these are the films he's not known
CATEGORY: "Woody's Worst." EXAMPLES: The above-listed
Shitflix proudly presents the
Internet's largest library of
Hispanic stand-up specials, while
also featuring all this random
British stuff produced between 1989
CATEGORY: "Hispanic Stand-Up." EXAMPLES: "George Lopez: Why
You Crying?," "Carlos Mencia: No Strings Attached," and
"Gabriel Iglesias: Hot & Fluffy." CATEGORY: All This Random
British Stuff: "Bramwell," "Noel's House Party," and "Rab C.
If you're into shameless knock-offs
like Ratatoing and Transmorphers,
and who is?, sign up for a Gold
CATEGORY: "Shameless Knock-Offs." EXAMPLES: The above-listed
Gold members also get access to a
staggering amount of anime without
anything remotely sexual.
CATEGORY: "Non-Sexual Anime." EXAMPLE: "Dragonball Z," "Yu
Gi Oh," and "InuYasha."
And just like Netflix spawned
Qwikster, Shitflix is proud to
Recent movies that you've somehow
never heard of even though they
star multiple very famous actors.
NEW LOGO: "What-the-Fuckster" in "Qwikster" font. EXAMPLES:
"Scorched," "Wrecked," and "Grilled."
Over the following, the Shitflix logo.
So sign up today for Shitflix,
starting at $79.98 a week. Or go to
BlockBuster oh wait we bankrupted
them eat shit, also Netflix is now
Final logo: "JUST MEMENTO." With a single MEMENTO image.