By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
INT. WHEELHOUSE - 10 MINUTES IN THE FUTURE DAN, PATRICK, AMIR and SARAH sit around. SARAH And this graph clearly shows that tango is a vertical representation of a horizontal desire. Everyone turn to your taupe binders, and- (noticing the guys) What are you doing? The guys are all sitting with ONE HAND IN THEIR PANTS, Al Bundy-style. PATRICK What? Listening to you. SARAH Why do guys always sit like that? with their hand in their pants? DAN Are you secretly trying out your stand-up again? THREE QUICK FLASHBACKS: Sarah; various situations/people: SARAH You ever think about how nobody's last name is ever Christ? You never meet a Bruce Christ. / You know why I can't get into baseball? Too many goatees. / Doesn't "Grape Nuts" sound like an insult? "Hey, nice cereal, Grape Nuts." CUT BACK TO THE GROUP. SARAH No, I'm serious. Why are you doing that? DAN I dunno. It's just where your hand naturally goes. AMIR It's a place to put it. It's warm? I never really thought about it. PATRICK (quiet, pensive) It feels like home. SARAH It's gross. DAN You're gross. SARAH You're holding your dick in public. PATRICK Just let it go. SARAH No! It's inappropriate. DAN (EXACT shot as before) You're gross. AMIR (very conspiratorially) Boys... can I see you in the kitchen? CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER The guys file in, dead serious. AMIR That was close. ALL THREE Too close. PATRICK She practically figured it out. DAN Status check. The guys UNZIP THEIR FLIES, revealing SMALL COMPUTERIZED KEYPADS affixed to the front of their underwear. AMIR If Sarah finds out that we're communicating with each other via secret keypads on our groins... PATRICK It's too dangerous. Maybe we should stop using them and- Dan SLAPS Patrick. DAN And WHAT, Patrick? Give up our access to the confidential communication network that functions as a direct line to all male brains across the globe? PATRICK I'm as loyal to the grid as anyone, but- A NOISE O.S. AMIR She's coming! CONCEAL! The guys quickly ZIP UP THEIR FLIES as Sarah enters. SARAH You just left the meeting. You can't do that, you- oh, come on. WIDE SHOT: All guys with a hand down their pants, frozen. SARAH In the kitchen? C.U. on Dan's frozen face. We hear BLEEP AND BLOOPS. His eyes look intensely at Patrick. PAN DOWN slowly to Dan's crotch where his hand "types" frantically under his pants. (It looks like masturbation!) SARAH What do you have to say for yourself? Patrick looks at Amir while frantically "typing" beneath his pants. Bleeps and bloops. SARAH (grossed out) What's going on? Amir looks at Dan and Pat, frantically crotch-typing. Sarah's face contorts into further disgust. WIDE SHOT: All three guys AGGRESSIVELY MOVING THEIR HANDS BENEATH THEIR PANTS. SARAH Ugh! Sarah storms off, repulsed. The guys sigh, relieved. AMIR That was close. ALL THREE Too close. PATRICK From now on, let's make sure that- DAN Guys... Reveal SPARKS FLYING from Dan's crotch. DAN CODE BLUE! SAVE YOURSELVES! Pat & Amir reach into their crotches. Gesture/sound imply they're TURNING A LARGE KNOB. With a futuristic noise, they DISAPPEAR, leaving Dan to DIE BY ELECTROCUTION. A sad, lonely shot of Dan dead on the ground, his fly open, keypad fizzling slightly. END.