They're not just happy to see you.
By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
INT. WHEELHOUSE - 10 MINUTES IN THE FUTURE
DAN, PATRICK, AMIR and SARAH sit around.
And this graph clearly shows that
tango is a vertical representation
of a horizontal desire. Everyone
turn to your taupe binders, and-
(noticing the guys)
What are you doing?
The guys are all sitting with ONE HAND IN THEIR PANTS, Al
What? Listening to you.
Why do guys always sit like that?
with their hand in their pants?
Are you secretly trying out your
THREE QUICK FLASHBACKS: Sarah; various situations/people:
You ever think about how nobody's
last name is ever Christ? You never
meet a Bruce Christ. / You know why
I can't get into baseball? Too many
goatees. / Doesn't "Grape Nuts"
sound like an insult? "Hey, nice
cereal, Grape Nuts."
CUT BACK TO THE GROUP.
No, I'm serious. Why are you doing
I dunno. It's just where your hand
It's a place to put it. It's warm?
I never really thought about it.
It feels like home.
You're holding your dick in public.
Just let it go.
No! It's inappropriate.
(EXACT shot as before)
Boys... can I see you in the
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
The guys file in, dead serious.
That was close.
She practically figured it out.
The guys UNZIP THEIR FLIES, revealing SMALL COMPUTERIZED
KEYPADS affixed to the front of their underwear.
If Sarah finds out that we're
communicating with each other via
secret keypads on our groins...
It's too dangerous. Maybe we should
stop using them and-
Dan SLAPS Patrick.
And WHAT, Patrick? Give up our
access to the confidential
communication network that
functions as a direct line to all
male brains across the globe?
I'm as loyal to the grid as anyone,
A NOISE O.S.
She's coming! CONCEAL!
The guys quickly ZIP UP THEIR FLIES as Sarah enters.
You just left the meeting. You
can't do that, you- oh, come on.
WIDE SHOT: All guys with a hand down their pants, frozen.
In the kitchen?
C.U. on Dan's frozen face. We hear BLEEP AND BLOOPS. His
eyes look intensely at Patrick. PAN DOWN slowly to Dan's
crotch where his hand "types" frantically under his pants.
(It looks like masturbation!)
What do you have to say for
Patrick looks at Amir while frantically "typing" beneath his
pants. Bleeps and bloops.
What's going on?
Amir looks at Dan and Pat, frantically crotch-typing.
Sarah's face contorts into further disgust.
WIDE SHOT: All three guys AGGRESSIVELY MOVING THEIR HANDS
BENEATH THEIR PANTS.
Sarah storms off, repulsed. The guys sigh, relieved.
That was close.
From now on, let's make sure that-
Reveal SPARKS FLYING from Dan's crotch.
CODE BLUE! SAVE YOURSELVES!
Pat & Amir reach into their crotches. Gesture/sound imply
they're TURNING A LARGE KNOB. With a futuristic noise, they
DISAPPEAR, leaving Dan to DIE BY ELECTROCUTION.
A sad, lonely shot of Dan dead on the ground, his fly open,
keypad fizzling slightly.