Hardly Working: Hands Down Pants
By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
INT. WHEELHOUSE - 10 MINUTES IN THE FUTURE
DAN, PATRICK, AMIR and SARAH sit around.
SARAH
And this graph clearly shows that
tango is a vertical representation
of a horizontal desire. Everyone
turn to your taupe binders, and-
(noticing the guys)
What are you doing?
The guys are all sitting with ONE HAND IN THEIR PANTS, Al
Bundy-style.
PATRICK
What? Listening to you.
SARAH
Why do guys always sit like that?
with their hand in their pants?
DAN
Are you secretly trying out your
stand-up again?
THREE QUICK FLASHBACKS: Sarah; various situations/people:
SARAH
You ever think about how nobody's
last name is ever Christ? You never
meet a Bruce Christ. / You know why
I can't get into baseball? Too many
goatees. / Doesn't "Grape Nuts"
sound like an insult? "Hey, nice
cereal, Grape Nuts."
CUT BACK TO THE GROUP.
SARAH
No, I'm serious. Why are you doing
that?
DAN
I dunno. It's just where your hand
naturally goes.
AMIR
It's a place to put it. It's warm?
I never really thought about it.
PATRICK
(quiet, pensive)
It feels like home.
SARAH
It's gross.
DAN
You're gross.
SARAH
You're holding your dick in public.
PATRICK
Just let it go.
SARAH
No! It's inappropriate.
DAN
(EXACT shot as before)
You're gross.
AMIR
(very conspiratorially)
Boys... can I see you in the
kitchen?
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
The guys file in, dead serious.
AMIR
That was close.
ALL THREE
Too close.
PATRICK
She practically figured it out.
DAN
Status check.
The guys UNZIP THEIR FLIES, revealing SMALL COMPUTERIZED
KEYPADS affixed to the front of their underwear.
AMIR
If Sarah finds out that we're
communicating with each other via
secret keypads on our groins...
PATRICK
It's too dangerous. Maybe we should
stop using them and-
Dan SLAPS Patrick.
DAN
And WHAT, Patrick? Give up our
access to the confidential
communication network that
functions as a direct line to all
male brains across the globe?
PATRICK
I'm as loyal to the grid as anyone,
but-
A NOISE O.S.
AMIR
She's coming! CONCEAL!
The guys quickly ZIP UP THEIR FLIES as Sarah enters.
SARAH
You just left the meeting. You
can't do that, you- oh, come on.
WIDE SHOT: All guys with a hand down their pants, frozen.
SARAH
In the kitchen?
C.U. on Dan's frozen face. We hear BLEEP AND BLOOPS. His
eyes look intensely at Patrick. PAN DOWN slowly to Dan's
crotch where his hand "types" frantically under his pants.
(It looks like masturbation!)
SARAH
What do you have to say for
yourself?
Patrick looks at Amir while frantically "typing" beneath his
pants. Bleeps and bloops.
SARAH
(grossed out)
What's going on?
Amir looks at Dan and Pat, frantically crotch-typing.
Sarah's face contorts into further disgust.
WIDE SHOT: All three guys AGGRESSIVELY MOVING THEIR HANDS
BENEATH THEIR PANTS.
SARAH
Ugh!
Sarah storms off, repulsed. The guys sigh, relieved.
AMIR
That was close.
ALL THREE
Too close.
PATRICK
From now on, let's make sure that-
DAN
Guys...
Reveal SPARKS FLYING from Dan's crotch.
DAN
CODE BLUE! SAVE YOURSELVES!
Pat & Amir reach into their crotches. Gesture/sound imply
they're TURNING A LARGE KNOB. With a futuristic noise, they
DISAPPEAR, leaving Dan to DIE BY ELECTROCUTION.
A sad, lonely shot of Dan dead on the ground, his fly open,
keypad fizzling slightly.
END.
Script
Hardly Working: Hands Down Pants
INT. WHEELHOUSE - 10 MINUTES IN THE FUTURE DAN, PATRICK, AMIR and SARAH sit around. SARAH And this graph clearly shows that tango is a vertical representation of a horizontal desire. Everyone turn to your taupe binders, and- (noticing the guys) What are you doing? The guys are all sitting with ONE HAND IN THEIR PANTS, Al Bundy-style. PATRICK What? Listening to you. SARAH Why do guys always sit like that? with their hand in their pants? DAN Are you secretly trying out your stand-up again? THREE QUICK FLASHBACKS: Sarah; various situations/people: SARAH You ever think about how nobody's last name is ever Christ? You never meet a Bruce Christ. / You know why I can't get into baseball? Too many goatees. / Doesn't "Grape Nuts" sound like an insult? "Hey, nice cereal, Grape Nuts." CUT BACK TO THE GROUP. SARAH No, I'm serious. Why are you doing that? DAN I dunno. It's just where your hand naturally goes. AMIR It's a place to put it. It's warm? I never really thought about it. PATRICK (quiet, pensive) It feels like home. SARAH It's gross. DAN You're gross. SARAH You're holding your dick in public. PATRICK Just let it go. SARAH No! It's inappropriate. DAN (EXACT shot as before) You're gross. AMIR (very conspiratorially) Boys... can I see you in the kitchen? CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER The guys file in, dead serious. AMIR That was close. ALL THREE Too close. PATRICK She practically figured it out. DAN Status check. The guys UNZIP THEIR FLIES, revealing SMALL COMPUTERIZED KEYPADS affixed to the front of their underwear. AMIR If Sarah finds out that we're communicating with each other via secret keypads on our groins... PATRICK It's too dangerous. Maybe we should stop using them and- Dan SLAPS Patrick. DAN And WHAT, Patrick? Give up our access to the confidential communication network that functions as a direct line to all male brains across the globe? PATRICK I'm as loyal to the grid as anyone, but- A NOISE O.S. AMIR She's coming! CONCEAL! The guys quickly ZIP UP THEIR FLIES as Sarah enters. SARAH You just left the meeting. You can't do that, you- oh, come on. WIDE SHOT: All guys with a hand down their pants, frozen. SARAH In the kitchen? C.U. on Dan's frozen face. We hear BLEEP AND BLOOPS. His eyes look intensely at Patrick. PAN DOWN slowly to Dan's crotch where his hand "types" frantically under his pants. (It looks like masturbation!) SARAH What do you have to say for yourself? Patrick looks at Amir while frantically "typing" beneath his pants. Bleeps and bloops. SARAH (grossed out) What's going on? Amir looks at Dan and Pat, frantically crotch-typing. Sarah's face contorts into further disgust. WIDE SHOT: All three guys AGGRESSIVELY MOVING THEIR HANDS BENEATH THEIR PANTS. SARAH Ugh! Sarah storms off, repulsed. The guys sigh, relieved. AMIR That was close. ALL THREE Too close. PATRICK From now on, let's make sure that- DAN Guys... Reveal SPARKS FLYING from Dan's crotch. DAN CODE BLUE! SAVE YOURSELVES! Pat & Amir reach into their crotches. Gesture/sound imply they're TURNING A LARGE KNOB. With a futuristic noise, they DISAPPEAR, leaving Dan to DIE BY ELECTROCUTION. A sad, lonely shot of Dan dead on the ground, his fly open, keypad fizzling slightly. END.Credits
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