Scarlett Johansson's Nude Voicemails

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT. THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF ANIMATION

          AGGRESSIVE and STUPID-LOOKING TMZ-STYLE graphics, text and
          images throughout. The following words appear across the
          screen (different fonts, sizes, maybe bouncing - just so
          stupid) as the WORLD'S MOST OBNOXIOUS NARRATOR barks at us:

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Welcome crack to the CelebriDirt
                    Skin Watch SmutButt Leak-Down!

          Over the following, the two LEAKED SCARLETT JOHANSSON
          PICTURES (censored):

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    A few weeks back, her spicy nakie
                    pics made our schlongozords go BING
                    BANG, and now ScarJo's phone's been
                    hacked again! This time, the hacker
                    benefactor jacked her super secret
                    NUDE VOICEMAILS!

          Aggressive text: NUDE VOICEMAILS. As each one is played, the
          text appears onscreen next to a photo of Scarlett.

                              SCARLETT (V.O.)
                    "Hey, I just thought this'd make
                    you laugh: Just now I was about to
                    get into the shower, and I
                    accidentally dropped my towel in
                    the toilet. I'm such a space case."

          Text: BONER JONES!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    BONER JONES! ScarJo hasn't sounded
                    this naked in years!

          Back to the voicemail format, new Scarlett photo:

                              SCARLETT (V.O.)
                    "Hey babe, could you pick up a box
                    of clumping cat litter on your way
                    back? I haven't put on clothes yet,
                    so I figured you could save me the
                    trip."

          TEXT: SPOOGE MCGOOGE!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    SPOOGE MCGOOGE! Did you hear those
                    tits?!

          Voicemail format, new Scarlett photo:

                              SCARLETT (V.O.)
                    "Hey Mom, gonna be 15 minutes late
                    to Olive Garden. My pants are still
                    in the dryer and I have to iron my
                    shirt but my iron's taking forever
                    to heat up."

          TEXT: CROTCHEE MOTCHEE!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    CROTCHEE MOTCHEE! And listen
                    carefully to Scarlett's sweet bare
                    buns in THIS yummy sound bite:

          Voicemail format, new Scarlett photo:

                              SCARLETT (V.O.)
                    "Hi, I called yesterday about
                    scheduling a meter reading. I'll be
                    home between 2 and 4pm."

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    We can't prove it, but she was
                    PROBABLY NOT WEARING CLOTHES THERE
                    EITHER!

          TEXT: PROBABLY NOT WEARING CLOTHES!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    That's it from ScarJo, horndoggies
                    - but we also broke into Mila
                    Kunis' apartment, picked up her
                    land line and recorded the result,
                    so you can jerk off to her dial
                    tone!

          TEXT: "JERK OFF NOW!" over FOUR SECONDS OF DIAL TONE.

          END.

          TAG:

          FOUR MORE SECONDS OF DIAL TONE and text: "CLEAN YOURSELF
          UP!"