From CH Staff on
The sexiest thing you've never seen.Subscribe to
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF ANIMATION AGGRESSIVE and STUPID-LOOKING TMZ-STYLE graphics, text and images throughout. The following words appear across the screen (different fonts, sizes, maybe bouncing - just so stupid) as the WORLD'S MOST OBNOXIOUS NARRATOR barks at us: NARRATOR (V.O.) Welcome crack to the CelebriDirt Skin Watch SmutButt Leak-Down! Over the following, the two LEAKED SCARLETT JOHANSSON PICTURES (censored): NARRATOR (V.O.) A few weeks back, her spicy nakie pics made our schlongozords go BING BANG, and now ScarJo's phone's been hacked again! This time, the hacker benefactor jacked her super secret NUDE VOICEMAILS! Aggressive text: NUDE VOICEMAILS. As each one is played, the text appears onscreen next to a photo of Scarlett. SCARLETT (V.O.) "Hey, I just thought this'd make you laugh: Just now I was about to get into the shower, and I accidentally dropped my towel in the toilet. I'm such a space case." Text: BONER JONES! NARRATOR (V.O.) BONER JONES! ScarJo hasn't sounded this naked in years! Back to the voicemail format, new Scarlett photo: SCARLETT (V.O.) "Hey babe, could you pick up a box of clumping cat litter on your way back? I haven't put on clothes yet, so I figured you could save me the trip." TEXT: SPOOGE MCGOOGE! NARRATOR (V.O.) SPOOGE MCGOOGE! Did you hear those tits?! Voicemail format, new Scarlett photo: SCARLETT (V.O.) "Hey Mom, gonna be 15 minutes late to Olive Garden. My pants are still in the dryer and I have to iron my shirt but my iron's taking forever to heat up." TEXT: CROTCHEE MOTCHEE! NARRATOR (V.O.) CROTCHEE MOTCHEE! And listen carefully to Scarlett's sweet bare buns in THIS yummy sound bite: Voicemail format, new Scarlett photo: SCARLETT (V.O.) "Hi, I called yesterday about scheduling a meter reading. I'll be home between 2 and 4pm." NARRATOR (V.O.) We can't prove it, but she was PROBABLY NOT WEARING CLOTHES THERE EITHER! TEXT: PROBABLY NOT WEARING CLOTHES! NARRATOR (V.O.) That's it from ScarJo, horndoggies - but we also broke into Mila Kunis' apartment, picked up her land line and recorded the result, so you can jerk off to her dial tone! TEXT: "JERK OFF NOW!" over FOUR SECONDS OF DIAL TONE. END. TAG: FOUR MORE SECONDS OF DIAL TONE and text: "CLEAN YOURSELF UP!"