Original

Shorts / Overheard at Real Steel

From CH Staff on October 12, 2011

Robots box while we talk.

Overheard at Real Steel

By CollegeHumor

          INT. MOVIE THEATER

          DAN, JENNY and PAT enter and find seats.

                              DAN
                    A movie about boxing robots. I love
                    awards season!

                              PAT
                    You think this will win an Oscar?

                              DAN
                    I meant Spike Scream Awards season.

                              JENNY
                    I'm just excited to see Hugh
                    Jackman. I love Australian actors.

                              PAT
                    He uses his American accent in this
                    one.

                              JENNY
                    Aw, for real?

          Jenny considers leaving, but the LIGHTS GO DOWN.

          ELSEWHERE IN THE THEATER, JOSH and SAM watch the movie.

                              JOSH
                    They want Hugh Jackman to punch a
                    cow with his robot?! Disgusting. Go
                    ahead, Hugh, tell them you'd never
                    do something so cruel to an
                    innocent oh my god he did it. He
                    punched the cow.

                              SAM
                         (in shock)
                    He punched a cow with his robot.

                              JOSH
                    And that's something we have to
                    deal with now. As humans.

          ELSEWHERE, DAVID and EMILY watch.

                              DAVID
                    Yeah, she says her husband is
                    wealthy enough to take care of Hugh
                    Jackman's son. But how do we know
                    he is?

                              EMILY
                    He's wearing an ascot.

                              DAVID
                    KA-CHING!

          ELSEWHERE, STREETER and JEFF watch.

                              JEFF
                    You think I could pull of an ascot
                    like that rich husband?

                              STREETER
                    No.

                              JEFF
                    But maybe if I--

                              STREETER
                    No. I've actually thought about
                    this, and no.

          CUT TO Pat, Dan and Jenny, looking uncomfortable. BEAT.

                              PAT
                         (genuinely curious)
                    Okay, making a little boy wear a
                    wife beater is creepy, right?

                              DAN/JENNY
                    I agree so much./SO CREEPY!

          CUT TO Josh and Sam. Josh looks ENCHANTED.

                              JOSH
                    I think it actually has thoughts of
                    its own.

                              SAM
                    That robot the kid found?

                              JOSH
                    That gargantuan vein on Hugh
                    Jackman's arm.

                              SAM
                    Wow, yes it's... oddly sentient.

          CUT TO Pat, Jenny and Dan.

                              DAN
                    Sick. All these people have ugly
                    mohawks and scream at each other in
                    an abandoned zoo. So this is like a
                    Mad Max post-apocalyptic future!

                              JENNY
                    No no, it's a normal future.

                              PAT
                    Those are just meth heads

          CUT TO David and Emily. David subtly does the Atom dance.

                              EMILY
                    Awww, Hugh Jackman's son is
                    teaching his robot to dance...
                         (continues more)
                    Badly.

          CUT TO Streeter and Jeff.

                              JEFF
                    Ooo I wonder who's gonna play the
                    evil robot trainer.

          Jeff and Street stare at the screen, waiting. BEAT. They
          nod, as though seeing what they expected.

                              JEFF/STREET
                    Korean James Franco.

                              DAVID/EMILY
                    Korean James Franco.

                              JOSH/SAM
                    Korean Robert Pattinson.

          CUT TO Josh and Sam.

                              SAM
                    I'm no boxing coach, but it seems
                    like Hugh Jackman would have a
                    better chance if he wasn't always
                    turning to casually talk to his son
                    DURING the fight.

                              JOSH
                    But this is ROBOT boxing.

          CUT TO Pat, Dan and Jenny.

                              PAT
                    If you take away the CGI robots
                    following his motions, Hugh Jackman
                    just looks like he lost his mind.

                              JENNY
                         (smirks; NUDGES Dan)
                    Not sure you need to take away the
                    robots, am I right?

                              DAN
                    OW!

          CUT TO Jeff and Street. Street smiles.

                              STREETER
                    Okay, I know what's gonna happen:
                    the robot's gonna save Hugh Jackman
                    and his son from the evil cowboy
                    and his goons. Obviously.
                         (watches; getting upset)
                    Okayyy and they're beating up Hugh
                    Jackman. And now they're beating up
                    his son. And they get away, and the
                    kid is crying. Annnnd that's it.

          CUT TO David and Emily.

                              DAVID
                    I get it now! You're father won't
                    love you until you take an interest
                    in his job.

                              EMILY
                    That's not it. You have to be
                    successful at it, too.

          CUT TO Josh and Sam.

                              JOSH
                    There's too much movie in this
                    product placement.

          CUT TO Jeff and Street. They look

                              JEFF
                    This picture BLOWS. Look at those
                    stupid robots controlled by dumb
                    Hugh Jackman with his...
                         (going dreamy-eyed)
                    ...lame biceps bulging out of that
                    idiotic threadbare tee-shirt like
                    sweaty, fleshy sequoia trees...

                              STREETER
                    I'm lost in his stupid smile.

          CUT TO Pat, Dan and Jenny.

                              DAN
                    This movie is full of 20-foot
                    boxing robots and the most
                    unrealistic thing about it is the
                    Microsoft Bing Stadium.

          Dan and Jenny laugh.

                              PAT
                    Um, I use Bing.

                              JENNY
                    What?! Why would--?

                              PAT
                    I'M MESSING WITH YOU GUYS!

          They all laugh. Pat secretly TURNS his head in shame.

          CUT TO Jeff and Streeter. Totally into the movie now.

                              JEFF/STREETER
                    COME ON ATOM!/KICK ZEUS'S BUTT!/I
                    LOVE YOUR SMILE, HUGH!

          CUT TO David and Emily.

                              EMILY
                    The bad guy wins the climactic
                    fight by decision. How is this
                    different than the end of Rocky?

                              DAVID
                    The part in 5 minutes when I ask
                    for my money back.

          CUT TO Josh and Sam. The LIGHTS go up.

                              SAM
                    And Hugh Jackman finally wins the
                    Robot Wars and takes back Earth
                    from the evil robot king!

          Josh turns to him, confused. Sam lifts up an iPad.

                              SAM
                    Yeah, I've been playing Fruit Ninja
                    for the last 2 and a half hours.