Robots box while we talk.
By CollegeHumor
INT. MOVIE THEATER DAN, JENNY and PAT enter and find seats. DAN A movie about boxing robots. I love awards season! PAT You think this will win an Oscar? DAN I meant Spike Scream Awards season. JENNY I'm just excited to see Hugh Jackman. I love Australian actors. PAT He uses his American accent in this one. JENNY Aw, for real? Jenny considers leaving, but the LIGHTS GO DOWN. ELSEWHERE IN THE THEATER, JOSH and SAM watch the movie. JOSH They want Hugh Jackman to punch a cow with his robot?! Disgusting. Go ahead, Hugh, tell them you'd never do something so cruel to an innocent oh my god he did it. He punched the cow. SAM (in shock) He punched a cow with his robot. JOSH And that's something we have to deal with now. As humans. ELSEWHERE, DAVID and EMILY watch. DAVID Yeah, she says her husband is wealthy enough to take care of Hugh Jackman's son. But how do we know he is? EMILY He's wearing an ascot. DAVID KA-CHING! ELSEWHERE, STREETER and JEFF watch. JEFF You think I could pull of an ascot like that rich husband? STREETER No. JEFF But maybe if I-- STREETER No. I've actually thought about this, and no. CUT TO Pat, Dan and Jenny, looking uncomfortable. BEAT. PAT (genuinely curious) Okay, making a little boy wear a wife beater is creepy, right? DAN/JENNY I agree so much./SO CREEPY! CUT TO Josh and Sam. Josh looks ENCHANTED. JOSH I think it actually has thoughts of its own. SAM That robot the kid found? JOSH That gargantuan vein on Hugh Jackman's arm. SAM Wow, yes it's... oddly sentient. CUT TO Pat, Jenny and Dan. DAN Sick. All these people have ugly mohawks and scream at each other in an abandoned zoo. So this is like a Mad Max post-apocalyptic future! JENNY No no, it's a normal future. PAT Those are just meth heads CUT TO David and Emily. David subtly does the Atom dance. EMILY Awww, Hugh Jackman's son is teaching his robot to dance... (continues more) Badly. CUT TO Streeter and Jeff. JEFF Ooo I wonder who's gonna play the evil robot trainer. Jeff and Street stare at the screen, waiting. BEAT. They nod, as though seeing what they expected. JEFF/STREET Korean James Franco. DAVID/EMILY Korean James Franco. JOSH/SAM Korean Robert Pattinson. CUT TO Josh and Sam. SAM I'm no boxing coach, but it seems like Hugh Jackman would have a better chance if he wasn't always turning to casually talk to his son DURING the fight. JOSH But this is ROBOT boxing. CUT TO Pat, Dan and Jenny. PAT If you take away the CGI robots following his motions, Hugh Jackman just looks like he lost his mind. JENNY (smirks; NUDGES Dan) Not sure you need to take away the robots, am I right? DAN OW! CUT TO Jeff and Street. Street smiles. STREETER Okay, I know what's gonna happen: the robot's gonna save Hugh Jackman and his son from the evil cowboy and his goons. Obviously. (watches; getting upset) Okayyy and they're beating up Hugh Jackman. And now they're beating up his son. And they get away, and the kid is crying. Annnnd that's it. CUT TO David and Emily. DAVID I get it now! You're father won't love you until you take an interest in his job. EMILY That's not it. You have to be successful at it, too. CUT TO Josh and Sam. JOSH There's too much movie in this product placement. CUT TO Jeff and Street. They look JEFF This picture BLOWS. Look at those stupid robots controlled by dumb Hugh Jackman with his... (going dreamy-eyed) ...lame biceps bulging out of that idiotic threadbare tee-shirt like sweaty, fleshy sequoia trees... STREETER I'm lost in his stupid smile. CUT TO Pat, Dan and Jenny. DAN This movie is full of 20-foot boxing robots and the most unrealistic thing about it is the Microsoft Bing Stadium. Dan and Jenny laugh. PAT Um, I use Bing. JENNY What?! Why would--? PAT I'M MESSING WITH YOU GUYS! They all laugh. Pat secretly TURNS his head in shame. CUT TO Jeff and Streeter. Totally into the movie now. JEFF/STREETER COME ON ATOM!/KICK ZEUS'S BUTT!/I LOVE YOUR SMILE, HUGH! CUT TO David and Emily. EMILY The bad guy wins the climactic fight by decision. How is this different than the end of Rocky? DAVID The part in 5 minutes when I ask for my money back. CUT TO Josh and Sam. The LIGHTS go up. SAM And Hugh Jackman finally wins the Robot Wars and takes back Earth from the evil robot king! Josh turns to him, confused. Sam lifts up an iPad. SAM Yeah, I've been playing Fruit Ninja for the last 2 and a half hours.