Don't Legalize Weed

Don't Legalize Weed

By

Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph

          INT. WHITE VOID

          A beat of EMPTY SILENCE. Suddenly, Street JUMPS into frame.

                              STREET
                    YOU FREAKING OUT DUDE?!
                         (beat)
                    Ha, you're a little stoned, aren't
                    you? That's OK, because I want to
                    talk to you about something import-

          A SPECK OF LIGHT floats across frame. The camera follows it,
          momentarily leaving Streeter. He rushes to catch up.

                              STREET
                    Hey! Hey! Focus! I want to talk
                    about something important to all
                    stoners: Legalization.

          Two STONERS with PROTEST SIGNS enter.

                              STREET
                    Before you start organizing a
                    protest, get bored, and go back to
                    playing Mario Kart, have you ever
                    considered that legalization might
                    be a bad idea?

          As he talks, Streeter moves on from the stoners to arrive at
          the SAME STONERS sitting on a couch playing video games.

                              STREETER
                    I'm not talking about policy or
                    public health. I'm talking about 
                    all the little things that would
                    change. And you hate change. Unless
                    it's a new Doritos flavor.

          He catches a bag of Doritos and tosses it to the stoners.

                              STONER 1
                    WHAT? Even cooler ranch!?

          NEW SHOT: Streeter, holding a joint, sits down and faces
          camera. Think the basement sequences in That 70s Show.

                              STREET
                    Think about all the people you
                    don't want to smoke weed with.

          Streeter hands the joint O.S. WHIP TO an UPTIGHT GUY.

                              UPTIGHT GUY
                    I suppose I could partake of that
                    doob...

          He puffs, HACKS, then hands it off. WHIP TO a NERVOUS TEEN.

                              NERVOUS TEEN
                    I think I'm high! I'm high! Let's
                    talk about it a lot!

          As the teen hands it off, WHIP TO a middle-aged DAD.

                              DAD
                    Son, this stuff is much stronger
                    than the grass when I was your age.

          A hand takes the joint. WHIP TO: Streeter.

                              STREET
                    Think smoking with your dad would
                    be cool? Really? Have you ever
                    gotten drunk with your dad?

          DAD, now holding a LIQUOR BOTTLE, leans in behind Streeter.

                              DAD
                         (slurring)
                    Son, did you see your cousin
                    Maggie? She has grown up-
                         (makes obscene breasts
                         gesture)
                    -oh shit, it's your mom.

          Dad runs off frame. 

                              STREET
                    Gross. If weed's legal, obnoxious
                    stoners will multiply faster than-

                              DAD
                         (leaning back in)
                    -an Asian kid at a math contest!

                              STREET
                    DAD!

          NEW SHOT. Streeter enters. Two stoners sit on a couch in BG.

                              STREET
                    Now, buying weed is easy. Shady guy
                    comes over, you mumble something,
                    he mumbles back, finito. You don't
                    even have to leave your couch!

          As he talks, a SHADY GUY sells weed to the couch stoners.

                              STREETER
                    Now, once weed is legal... Well,
                    when was the last time you enjoyed
                    going to a busy Starbucks?

          The stoners, now annoyed, get up and walk to the end of a
          LONG LINE leading to a COUNTER manned by a harried EMPLOYEE.

                              CUSTOMER 1
                         (taking forever)
                    Now, do I want an ounce of Sour
                    Diesel or the Vancouver Sunset?

          The line GROANS. Customer 2, holding up a joint, shoves his
          way to the counter.

                              CUSTOMER 2
                    Sorry, but this is NOT Kush.

                              STREET
                    Missing shady guy yet?

          SHADY GUY walks in from the left, does an obvious
          handshake/drug hand-off with Streeter. Both exit.

                              EMPLOYEE
                         (to Customer 1)
                    So that's $299.99 for the ounce,
                    plus local, state and federal tax
                    your total is... $973.

          NEW SHOT. Street enters and we find MITCH, an old hippie
          farmer lovingly attending to a luscious WEED PLANT.

                              STREET
                    And who will grow this legal weed?
                    It won't be someone who spends all
                    day in an underground greenhouse
                    tinkering and cross-breeding plants
                    to make the stickiest of icky. It
                    won't be someone like Mitch here.

                              MITCH
                    No last names, man.

          Street moves on to a FARMER with a row of brown weed plants.

                              STREET
                    No, it's going to be mass-grown by
                    some Iowa farmer with a government
                    subsidy cranking out the most
                    product for the least cost!

                              FARMER
                    Bull semen and HGH. Add a little to
                    the soil, it will triple your
                    yield.

          He winks. Streeter, grossed out, exits.

          NEW SHOT. A group of BORED TEENAGERS smokes joints. As
          Streeter talks, the teens see a BUSINESS MAN walk by smoking
          a joint. Disappointed, they put out their joints.

          

                              STREET
                    And think of the children. Teens do
                    illegal drugs to be cool. Do we
                    really want to make the one illegal
                    drug that's not addictive or really
                    harmful uncool? 

          One of the teens holds up a BROWN PAPER BAG.

                              TEEN
                    Hey! Hey! We're going to boil down
                    this dog shit and mainline it! I
                    HATE MY DAD!

          Street reaches our couch stoners, sharing a bong with Mitch.

                              STREET
                    Look, smoking weed is fun and it
                    shouldn't be a crime, but do we
                    really want to deal with the
                    repercussions of making it legal?
                    Instead, the cops should just
                    ignore us stoners and let us get
                    back to what we do best.

          Street sits down on the couch and takes a bong rip.

                              STREET
                    Nothing.

                              MITCH
                    Cops?! Did you says cops!?

          Mitch pulls out a GUN.

                              MITCH
                    COME AT ME!

          END.