Be careful what you wish for.
By Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph
INT. WHITE VOID A beat of EMPTY SILENCE. Suddenly, Street JUMPS into frame. STREET YOU FREAKING OUT DUDE?! (beat) Ha, you're a little stoned, aren't you? That's OK, because I want to talk to you about something import- A SPECK OF LIGHT floats across frame. The camera follows it, momentarily leaving Streeter. He rushes to catch up. STREET Hey! Hey! Focus! I want to talk about something important to all stoners: Legalization. Two STONERS with PROTEST SIGNS enter. STREET Before you start organizing a protest, get bored, and go back to playing Mario Kart, have you ever considered that legalization might be a bad idea? As he talks, Streeter moves on from the stoners to arrive at the SAME STONERS sitting on a couch playing video games. STREETER I'm not talking about policy or public health. I'm talking about all the little things that would change. And you hate change. Unless it's a new Doritos flavor. He catches a bag of Doritos and tosses it to the stoners. STONER 1 WHAT? Even cooler ranch!? NEW SHOT: Streeter, holding a joint, sits down and faces camera. Think the basement sequences in That 70s Show. STREET Think about all the people you don't want to smoke weed with. Streeter hands the joint O.S. WHIP TO an UPTIGHT GUY. UPTIGHT GUY I suppose I could partake of that doob... He puffs, HACKS, then hands it off. WHIP TO a NERVOUS TEEN. NERVOUS TEEN I think I'm high! I'm high! Let's talk about it a lot! As the teen hands it off, WHIP TO a middle-aged DAD. DAD Son, this stuff is much stronger than the grass when I was your age. A hand takes the joint. WHIP TO: Streeter. STREET Think smoking with your dad would be cool? Really? Have you ever gotten drunk with your dad? DAD, now holding a LIQUOR BOTTLE, leans in behind Streeter. DAD (slurring) Son, did you see your cousin Maggie? She has grown up- (makes obscene breasts gesture) -oh shit, it's your mom. Dad runs off frame. STREET Gross. If weed's legal, obnoxious stoners will multiply faster than- DAD (leaning back in) -an Asian kid at a math contest! STREET DAD! NEW SHOT. Streeter enters. Two stoners sit on a couch in BG. STREET Now, buying weed is easy. Shady guy comes over, you mumble something, he mumbles back, finito. You don't even have to leave your couch! As he talks, a SHADY GUY sells weed to the couch stoners. STREETER Now, once weed is legal... Well, when was the last time you enjoyed going to a busy Starbucks? The stoners, now annoyed, get up and walk to the end of a LONG LINE leading to a COUNTER manned by a harried EMPLOYEE. CUSTOMER 1 (taking forever) Now, do I want an ounce of Sour Diesel or the Vancouver Sunset? The line GROANS. Customer 2, holding up a joint, shoves his way to the counter. CUSTOMER 2 Sorry, but this is NOT Kush. STREET Missing shady guy yet? SHADY GUY walks in from the left, does an obvious handshake/drug hand-off with Streeter. Both exit. EMPLOYEE (to Customer 1) So that's $299.99 for the ounce, plus local, state and federal tax your total is... $973. NEW SHOT. Street enters and we find MITCH, an old hippie farmer lovingly attending to a luscious WEED PLANT. STREET And who will grow this legal weed? It won't be someone who spends all day in an underground greenhouse tinkering and cross-breeding plants to make the stickiest of icky. It won't be someone like Mitch here. MITCH No last names, man. Street moves on to a FARMER with a row of brown weed plants. STREET No, it's going to be mass-grown by some Iowa farmer with a government subsidy cranking out the most product for the least cost! FARMER Bull semen and HGH. Add a little to the soil, it will triple your yield. He winks. Streeter, grossed out, exits. NEW SHOT. A group of BORED TEENAGERS smokes joints. As Streeter talks, the teens see a BUSINESS MAN walk by smoking a joint. Disappointed, they put out their joints. STREET And think of the children. Teens do illegal drugs to be cool. Do we really want to make the one illegal drug that's not addictive or really harmful uncool? One of the teens holds up a BROWN PAPER BAG. TEEN Hey! Hey! We're going to boil down this dog shit and mainline it! I HATE MY DAD! Street reaches our couch stoners, sharing a bong with Mitch. STREET Look, smoking weed is fun and it shouldn't be a crime, but do we really want to deal with the repercussions of making it legal? Instead, the cops should just ignore us stoners and let us get back to what we do best. Street sits down on the couch and takes a bong rip. STREET Nothing. MITCH Cops?! Did you says cops!? Mitch pulls out a GUN. MITCH COME AT ME! END.