Be careful what you wish for.
By Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph
INT. WHITE VOID
A beat of EMPTY SILENCE. Suddenly, Street JUMPS into frame.
YOU FREAKING OUT DUDE?!
Ha, you're a little stoned, aren't
you? That's OK, because I want to
talk to you about something import-
A SPECK OF LIGHT floats across frame. The camera follows it,
momentarily leaving Streeter. He rushes to catch up.
Hey! Hey! Focus! I want to talk
about something important to all
Two STONERS with PROTEST SIGNS enter.
Before you start organizing a
protest, get bored, and go back to
playing Mario Kart, have you ever
considered that legalization might
be a bad idea?
As he talks, Streeter moves on from the stoners to arrive at
the SAME STONERS sitting on a couch playing video games.
I'm not talking about policy or
public health. I'm talking about
all the little things that would
change. And you hate change. Unless
it's a new Doritos flavor.
He catches a bag of Doritos and tosses it to the stoners.
WHAT? Even cooler ranch!?
NEW SHOT: Streeter, holding a joint, sits down and faces
camera. Think the basement sequences in That 70s Show.
Think about all the people you
don't want to smoke weed with.
Streeter hands the joint O.S. WHIP TO an UPTIGHT GUY.
I suppose I could partake of that
He puffs, HACKS, then hands it off. WHIP TO a NERVOUS TEEN.
I think I'm high! I'm high! Let's
talk about it a lot!
As the teen hands it off, WHIP TO a middle-aged DAD.
Son, this stuff is much stronger
than the grass when I was your age.
A hand takes the joint. WHIP TO: Streeter.
Think smoking with your dad would
be cool? Really? Have you ever
gotten drunk with your dad?
DAD, now holding a LIQUOR BOTTLE, leans in behind Streeter.
Son, did you see your cousin
Maggie? She has grown up-
(makes obscene breasts
-oh shit, it's your mom.
Dad runs off frame.
Gross. If weed's legal, obnoxious
stoners will multiply faster than-
(leaning back in)
-an Asian kid at a math contest!
NEW SHOT. Streeter enters. Two stoners sit on a couch in BG.
Now, buying weed is easy. Shady guy
comes over, you mumble something,
he mumbles back, finito. You don't
even have to leave your couch!
As he talks, a SHADY GUY sells weed to the couch stoners.
Now, once weed is legal... Well,
when was the last time you enjoyed
going to a busy Starbucks?
The stoners, now annoyed, get up and walk to the end of a
LONG LINE leading to a COUNTER manned by a harried EMPLOYEE.
Now, do I want an ounce of Sour
Diesel or the Vancouver Sunset?
The line GROANS. Customer 2, holding up a joint, shoves his
way to the counter.
Sorry, but this is NOT Kush.
Missing shady guy yet?
SHADY GUY walks in from the left, does an obvious
handshake/drug hand-off with Streeter. Both exit.
(to Customer 1)
So that's $299.99 for the ounce,
plus local, state and federal tax
your total is... $973.
NEW SHOT. Street enters and we find MITCH, an old hippie
farmer lovingly attending to a luscious WEED PLANT.
And who will grow this legal weed?
It won't be someone who spends all
day in an underground greenhouse
tinkering and cross-breeding plants
to make the stickiest of icky. It
won't be someone like Mitch here.
No last names, man.
Street moves on to a FARMER with a row of brown weed plants.
No, it's going to be mass-grown by
some Iowa farmer with a government
subsidy cranking out the most
product for the least cost!
Bull semen and HGH. Add a little to
the soil, it will triple your
He winks. Streeter, grossed out, exits.
NEW SHOT. A group of BORED TEENAGERS smokes joints. As
Streeter talks, the teens see a BUSINESS MAN walk by smoking
a joint. Disappointed, they put out their joints.
And think of the children. Teens do
illegal drugs to be cool. Do we
really want to make the one illegal
drug that's not addictive or really
One of the teens holds up a BROWN PAPER BAG.
Hey! Hey! We're going to boil down
this dog shit and mainline it! I
HATE MY DAD!
Street reaches our couch stoners, sharing a bong with Mitch.
Look, smoking weed is fun and it
shouldn't be a crime, but do we
really want to deal with the
repercussions of making it legal?
Instead, the cops should just
ignore us stoners and let us get
back to what we do best.
Street sits down on the couch and takes a bong rip.
Cops?! Did you says cops!?
Mitch pulls out a GUN.
COME AT ME!