From CH Staff on
When using phenomenal cosmic power, wording is important.
By Dan Gurewitch & David Young
EXT. SULTAN'S PALACE TERRACE - DAY Aladdin stands with Jasmine. He holds the MAGIC LAMP up to his ear, listens, and knocks softly on it. ALADDIN Genie, come out! Jafar is gone! GENIE (from inside) Good job, Al. I suppose you'll be wanting your third wish now. Aladdin thinks for a moment. Looks at Jasmine, who smiles. JASMINE You know what you need to do. Aladdin smiles at her, nods. Places the lamp on the ground. ALADDIN I wish... (the lamp RATTLES) I wish... (the lamp is surrounded by SMOKE WISPS & SPARKLES) I wish... THE GENIE emerges from the lamp. At the point where he's just about HALFWAY OUT OF IT, Aladdin belts: ALADDIN I WISH FOR YOU TO BE HUMAN! GENIE (surrounded by sparkles) AHH! WAIT, WHAT? The genie completes his transformation and SLAMS ONTO THE GROUND. Colored smoke wisps obscure his lower half. His top half is a HUMAN VERSION OF THE GENIE (same face, flesh-colored & normal-sized). He GROANS in pain. Aladdin winces. ALADDIN Ooh. GENIE (looking up at him) "FREE." I said the word was "FREE," not "HUMAN!" ALADDIN Same difference... GENIE And you had to say it when I was coming out of the damn lamp? ALADDIN Why's it matter? GENIE Oh, why's it matter, huh? The genie blows awkward huffs and puffs at his legs, straining his neck. The smoke dissipates, revealing: HORRID DEFORMED LEGS, that right past his mid-section, gel into a HALF-FORMED FLESHY MESS that squeeze back into the bottle. ALADDIN (horrified) AHHHHH! Jasmine BARFS, HARD. The genie crawls a few feet, dragging the lamp behind him. It tinkles like a tin can as it bounces along the ground... God, it's just PATHETICALLY SAD. GENIE You see what happens? YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS? ALADDIN (not believing it) It's not so bad... GENIE Look at me, I'm a freak! A halfling mutant with- with deformed fetus legs! ALADDIN (reaching to help him) Well, maybe we can still- GENIE AH GET OFF IT HURTS! I'm in so much pain- a constant, deep, hard, stinging pain! He touches his deformed section: A REVOLTING SQUISH. GENIE Ah, what IS IT, even? ALADDIN I know a pretty good plastic surgeon. Dr. Sid Farcus. He could- The genie lifts his waistband. Looks under pants, REALIZING: GENIE Oh, no... oh, sh*t... %#$& you, Al. Oh, %#$& you. ALADDIN Can't you just sorta, "alakazam!"- GENIE I'm HUMAN, you %#$&. I'm just a "guy." I can't do anything. Watch this- wish for something. ALADDIN I get it. You don't have to- GENIE No, do it. Say, "I want the Nile." ALADDIN (reluctantly) I want the Nile. The genie SNAPS SARCASTICALLY (maybe with a "retarded groan" to go along with it). Surprisingly, the NILE RIVER appears on the landscape spread out below them. GENIE What the-?! OTHER GENIE Your wish is my command. ANOTHER GENIE has appeared next to Aladdin. GENIE You have another genie?! OTHER GENIE Hey, I'm Carl. GENIE (to Aladdin) How many wishes do you have left?! ALADDIN One, but, I promised Carl I'd free him too. (to Carl, grandly) I wish you to be HUMAN-oh shit. The other genie TRANSFORMS into a normal human (as he wasn't coming out of the lamp at the time). OTHER GENIE Ah, it's okay. Least I can walk. (leaving) Later, Fetus Legs. GENIE What am I supposed to do now? The genie breaks down and flops his hands out in despair. An older lady walks by and places a dollar into them. GENIE I'm not homeless! The genie starts to CRAWL PATHETICALLY away from them, using big awkward two-handed ground-grabs and dragging the lamp. GENIE I had PLANS, Al- I was gonna see the world. I have a girl in Morocco waiting for me. (gets stuck under a rock, moves it. Quietly:) Ugh, come on- (continues crawling) The old me, I mean. I used to be FUNNY! Gandhi, Jack Nicholson- you remember that? "HAHAHA! What'll he say next?" She wanted THAT genie, not some sad puddle of flesh! The genie arrives at a foot-high FOUNTAIN. As he finishes his speech, he goes limp and flops his head into the water. Aladdin and Jasmine look for a moment, confused. Then, Aladdin notices the genie's lower half TWITCH. Alarmed, he dashes over and pulls the genie's wet head out of the water. GENIE (LONG GASP OF AIR, then:) WHY WON'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE?! The SULTAN joins them on the terrace, all smiles. SULTAN Aladdin, I'm changing the law. You and my daughter can be married! Aladdin and Jasmine gasp with delight. They hug and kiss. They part lips, and Aladdin breaks into song: ALADDIN I can show you the world... Cut to the genie, wet, lying on the ground. GENIE Hey! Come on! ALADDIN Shining, shimmering, splendid... GENIE Don't ignore me! ALADDIN Tell me princess, now when did- As he sings, cut back to the Genie, holding the bottle in his left hand. He's BLEEDING PROFUSELY from his fetus legs. GENIE (concerned) Oh, I ripped off the bottle. That was not the right move... ALADDIN I can open your eyes... GENIE (SURROUNDED BY BLOOD) This needs to be dealt with... END.