Boyz II Men Ringtones

By

CollegeHumor

          INT. STUDIO SPACE

          NATHAN, SHAWN, and WANYA - BOYZ II MEN - address camera in a
          well-appointed studio space.

                              NATHAN
                    Hi, I'm Nathan, this is Shawn,
                    that's Wanya, and we're Phish.
                         (beat, still flat)
                    Naw, just kidding. We're Boyz II
                    Men. And here are some ring tones
                    for your cellular device of choice.

          LOWER THIRD: BOYZ II MEN PRESENTS: RING TONES

          One of the guys checks their pitch. The lights dim a bit.

          LOWER THIRD: THE ORIGINAL

          In beautiful harmony, the guys sing:

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. 

          LOWER THIRD: THE IPHONE

          The guys sing a stylized, R&B version of Marimba, the
          default iPhone ring tone.

                              SHAWN
                    Now here's one for when you need to
                    be a little more... discreet.

          LOWER THIRD: VIBRATE

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. This phone's on-
                         (spoken)
                    -vibrate.

          Shawn winks to camera.

                              NATHAN
                    Apparently this next one's a big
                    hit with the kids.

          LOWER THIRD: NYAN CAT

          The guys launch into a much slower, smoother version of the
          famous YouTube video.

                              NATHAN
                    Don't make many phone calls? All
                    gravy, baby. We got you covered.

          LOWER THIRD: TEXT MESSAGE

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    Words. Words. Words. You just got
                    sent some words.

          LOWER THIRD: PICTURE MESSAGE

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    Picture message. Maybe it'll be
                    boobs.
                         (quick)
                    Don't open it in public.

          LOWER THIRD: E-MAIL

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    I'm your e-mail notifier. / Why do
                    you have an audible e-mail
                    notifier? / That's really
                    unnecessary. / And kind of
                    inconsiderate.

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    And finally, here a few tones for
                    those special someones in your
                    electronic phone book.

          LOWER THIRD: MOM

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    It's your mother. / You should pick
                    up. / She pushed you out her lady
                    parts. 

          Wanya kisses two fingers.

                              WANYA
                    Love you, mom.

          LOWER THIRD: WEED DEALER

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    Hey it's your weed guy. / Unless
                    your parents or cops are around. /
                    Then it's definitely not your weed
                    guy.
                         (long beat)
                    But, yeah, it's your weed guy.

          LOWER THIRD: EX-GIRLFRIEND 

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    Let it go to voice-mail. 

          LOWER THIRD: EX-GIRLFRIEND, BUT YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR
          HER

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    Seriously. Let it go to voice-mail.

          A beat. Suddenly, the guys point and stare at camera, as if
          to stop somebody from picking up the phone.

          LOWER THIRD: BLOCKED NUMBER

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    It's a mystery. / It's a mystery. 

                              WANYA
                    Maybe it's the President.

          The other two guys turn and stare at him.

                              WANYA
                    But most likely not. 

                              NATHAN
                    Finally, here's a list of names so
                    you can personalize your voice-mail
                    with that B2M touch.

                              SHAWN
                         (clarifying)
                    Boyz II Men.

                              NATHAN
                    Yeah, they know.

          LOWER THIRD: PERSONALIZED RING TONE

          Nathan takes out a long LIST.

                              BOYZ II MEN
                    Hey, Aaron, pick up your phone.
                         (beat)
                    Hey, Abbott, pick up your phone.
                         (beat)
                    Hey, Abdul, pick up your phone.
                         (beat)
                    Hey, Abe, pick up your phone.
                         (beat)
                    Hey, Adam-

          END.