In The Unlikely Event...

By

Gramps

          INT. PLANE

          Pilot addresses passengers while two flight attendants mime
          his instructions.

                              PILOT (V.O.)
                    Evening passengers of Flight
                    114. This is your pilot speaking.
                    We're cruising from Tucson to
                    Montreal at an altitude of 37,000
                    feet. We're approaching some rough
                    weather patterns ahead and expect
                    some turbulence, so please look to
                    the front of the plane as your
                    flight attendants help us go over
                    some air safety tips once again.
                    Everyone please make sure your seat
                    belts are securely and properly
                    fastened. And please note that in
                    case of a water landing your seats
                    can be used as a flotation device.
                    However, in the unlikely event that
                    we crash land in the mountains, we
                    would ask that you please refrain
                    from resorting to cannibalism. We
                    have plenty of food to last all of
                    us through the winter.
                    However, in the unlikely event that
                    it takes more than a few months for
                    us to be rescued, we have prepared
                    a lottery system for deciding whom
                    to eat. Passengers will be selected
                    one at a time from Economy Class
                    starting with the fattest. They
                    will be filleted and served to the
                    passengers in First Class. This
                    will continue until we are saved or
                    we run out of Economy passengers.
                    I would like to remind everyone
                    that there is no smoking on this
                    flight.
                    We're entering a really bad part of
                    this storm now. Please don't be
                    alarmed if we are hit by lightning.
                    It'll cause the lights to flicker
                    but other than that, it won't harm
                    us.

                              PILOT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                    However, in the unlikely event that
                    a bolt of lightning strikes us and
                    causes us to be sent through a rift
                    in the space time continuum
                    transporting us to a land that time
                    forgot- a land where dinosaurs
                    still roam the earth, we will need
                    to form a tribe. I will be chieftain
                    and the flight attendants shall be
                    my brides as we attempt to populate
                    this strange new world. My first
                    command to the tribe will be to
                    find a good supply of flint. Then
                    the women will search for edible
                    roots and berries while the men
                    hunt for dinosaur meat. Gentlemen,
                    please keep in mind that some
                    dinosaurs are quite dangerous and
                    should not be hunted. The t-rex,
                    velociraptor, pterodactyl, etc.
                    Please avoid them. The ideal prey
                    is the triceratops. They provide a
                    lot of meat and are fairly docile
                    and easy to kill. The young ones in
                    particular. The key to strangling a
                    baby triceratops is to grab it by
                    the horns and pull back exposing
                    the soft flesh of its neck. Then
                    just stick your fist in there
                    closing off its air supply until it
                    goes limp. Then it's good eating for
                    the whole tribe.
                    Ladies and gentlemen, we are now
                    leaving the storm and heading into
                    clear skies. So everyone just sit
                    back and relax and...uh
                    oh....Ladies and gentlemen, I hate
                    to inform you of this but a bird
                    has just flown into one of our
                    engines. We were NOT prepared for
                    that. We are going to crash into a
                    fiery death. Everyone bow your
                    heads.
                    Our Father, who art in heaven,
                    Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom
                    come. Thy will be done, On earth as
                    it is in heaven.
                    Now, in the unlikely event that
                    Christianity isn't the one true
                    religion-
                    Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh
                    ha- olam, ha-gomel lahayavim tovot
                    sheg'malani kol tov
                    That covers us with the Hebrews.

                              PILOT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                    However, just in case the muslims
                    got it right-

          FADE OUT
                    Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar,
                    Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar....

          BLACK OUT

                              PILOT
                    ...Hare Krisna Hare Krisna, Rama
                    Rama Hare Hare. That's in the
                    unlikely event that Krisna is the
                    one true God.
                    Now just in case the Snake Charmers
                    of Southern Tunisia have it
                    right...

          Pilot begins playing flute as flight attendants do a snake
          charming dance.

          FADE OUT