From CH Staff on
They're prepared for anything. Way, way too prepared.
INT. PLANE Pilot addresses passengers while two flight attendants mime his instructions. PILOT (V.O.) Evening passengers of Flight 114. This is your pilot speaking. We're cruising from Tucson to Montreal at an altitude of 37,000 feet. We're approaching some rough weather patterns ahead and expect some turbulence, so please look to the front of the plane as your flight attendants help us go over some air safety tips once again. Everyone please make sure your seat belts are securely and properly fastened. And please note that in case of a water landing your seats can be used as a flotation device. However, in the unlikely event that we crash land in the mountains, we would ask that you please refrain from resorting to cannibalism. We have plenty of food to last all of us through the winter. However, in the unlikely event that it takes more than a few months for us to be rescued, we have prepared a lottery system for deciding whom to eat. Passengers will be selected one at a time from Economy Class starting with the fattest. They will be filleted and served to the passengers in First Class. This will continue until we are saved or we run out of Economy passengers. I would like to remind everyone that there is no smoking on this flight. We're entering a really bad part of this storm now. Please don't be alarmed if we are hit by lightning. It'll cause the lights to flicker but other than that, it won't harm us. PILOT (V.O.) (CONT'D) However, in the unlikely event that a bolt of lightning strikes us and causes us to be sent through a rift in the space time continuum transporting us to a land that time forgot- a land where dinosaurs still roam the earth, we will need to form a tribe. I will be chieftain and the flight attendants shall be my brides as we attempt to populate this strange new world. My first command to the tribe will be to find a good supply of flint. Then the women will search for edible roots and berries while the men hunt for dinosaur meat. Gentlemen, please keep in mind that some dinosaurs are quite dangerous and should not be hunted. The t-rex, velociraptor, pterodactyl, etc. Please avoid them. The ideal prey is the triceratops. They provide a lot of meat and are fairly docile and easy to kill. The young ones in particular. The key to strangling a baby triceratops is to grab it by the horns and pull back exposing the soft flesh of its neck. Then just stick your fist in there closing off its air supply until it goes limp. Then it's good eating for the whole tribe. Ladies and gentlemen, we are now leaving the storm and heading into clear skies. So everyone just sit back and relax and...uh oh....Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to inform you of this but a bird has just flown into one of our engines. We were NOT prepared for that. We are going to crash into a fiery death. Everyone bow your heads. Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven. Now, in the unlikely event that Christianity isn't the one true religion- Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha- olam, ha-gomel lahayavim tovot sheg'malani kol tov That covers us with the Hebrews. PILOT (V.O.) (CONT'D) However, just in case the muslims got it right- FADE OUT Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar.... BLACK OUT PILOT ...Hare Krisna Hare Krisna, Rama Rama Hare Hare. That's in the unlikely event that Krisna is the one true God. Now just in case the Snake Charmers of Southern Tunisia have it right... Pilot begins playing flute as flight attendants do a snake charming dance. FADE OUT