Siri Argument

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS

          FAST-PACED CUTS over CHARMING MUSIC.

          Begin with the FIRST TEN SECONDS of the actual ad: Siri says
          "What can I help you with?" Then: "We have a flat tire."
          "How do I tie a bowtie again?" "What's the fastest way to
          Hartford Hospital?" "Do I need an umbrella in New York this
          weekend?" "Remind me to call Chris when I get home."

          Then, continue with NEW FOOTAGE: A MAN walks down a street,
          and a WOMAN (his wife) sits on her bed at home. They both
          speak into their iPhones, growing increasingly agitated.

                              MAN
                    Tell my wife I'm gonna be 30
                    minutes late.

                              WOMAN
                    Tell my husband I'm not surprised.

                              MAN
                    Tell my wife if she has a problem
                    with my work schedule she is more
                    than welcome to get a job of her
                    own.

                              WOMAN
                    Tell my husband that I do just as
                    much work as he does.

                              MAN
                    Tell my wife that if watching
                    "Ellen" is a job she should get a
                    promotion.

          CU: Woman's iPhone as SIRI speaks in her robotic voice:

                              WOMAN'S SIRI
                    Message from your husband: "I
                    appreciate you."

                              WOMAN
                    Bullshit. What'd he actually say?

                              WOMAN'S SIRI
                    Please don't drag me into this.

                              WOMAN
                    Siri, call my husband.

                              MAN
                         (as phone rings)
                    Siri, ignore the call from my bitch
                    wife.

                              WOMAN
                    Tell my husband that he said he'd
                    respect my choice to stay at home
                    with our child.

                              MAN
                    Tell my wife I would, but she can't
                    even get around to washing his
                    overalls.

                              MAN'S SIRI
                    Did you want me to search for
                    flower shops nearby?

                              WOMAN
                    Tell my husband that at least when
                    I sit on the washing machine, I
                    come.

                              MAN
                    Send my wife this picture.

          Cut to Woman's iPhone: a picture of a MIDDLE FINGER.

                              MAN
                    And ask her if the washing machine
                    is-

          Cut to Woman's iPhone:

                              WOMAN'S SIRI
                    ...the only thing you've been
                    sitting on lately.
                         (beat)
                    Oh dear.

                              WOMAN
                    Ask my husband what he means by
                    that.

                              MAN
                    Tell my wife I think she knows.

          CU on Woman's iPhone with search results:

                              WOMAN'S SIRI
                    Hey look, I Googled "Anger
                    Management Techniques."

                              WOMAN
                    Tell my husband to think very
                    carefully before he says whatever
                    he's about to say.

                              MAN
                    Ask my wife if she's fucking Jim
                    MacPherson!

                              MAN'S SIRI
                    I have scheduled Couples' Therapy
                    for Thursday at 6.

                              WOMAN
                    Tell my husband how dare he!

                              MAN
                    Tell my wife that's not an answer!

                              SIRI
                    ...Is this my fault?

                              WOMAN
                    Tell my husband I will not answer
                    that!

                              MAN
                    ASK MY WIFE IF SHE'S FUCKING JIM
                    MACPHERSON!

                              SIRI
                    Searching for: A Place To Hide.

                              WOMAN
                         (in angry tears)
                    Tell my husband he wishes it was
                    JUST Jim MacPherson.

                              SIRI
                    I don't want to.

                              WOMAN
                    TELL HIM!

                              SIRI
                    Please don't make me.

                              WOMAN
                    DO IT!

                              MAN
                    SEND MY WIFE DIRECTIONS TO HELL!

          The woman unleashes an ANGUISHED SCREAM.

          The man unleashes an ANGUISHED SCREAM.

          The woman throws her iPhone down; it SMASHES on the ground.

          The man throws his iPhone down; it SMASHES on the ground.

          SOBS as the camera ZOOMS slowly in on a SMASHED IPHONE.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Say goodbye to the most amazing
                    iPhone yet.

          TITLE AND APPLE LOGO OVER WHITE: iPhone 4s

          END.

          TAG:

          Man stands outside Woman's window, holding his phone above
          his head.

                              MAN
                    Siri, play "In Your Eyes" by Peter
                    Gabriel.

                              SIRI
                    You can't be serious.

          END.