Don't drag her into this.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS FAST-PACED CUTS over CHARMING MUSIC. Begin with the FIRST TEN SECONDS of the actual ad: Siri says "What can I help you with?" Then: "We have a flat tire." "How do I tie a bowtie again?" "What's the fastest way to Hartford Hospital?" "Do I need an umbrella in New York this weekend?" "Remind me to call Chris when I get home." Then, continue with NEW FOOTAGE: A MAN walks down a street, and a WOMAN (his wife) sits on her bed at home. They both speak into their iPhones, growing increasingly agitated. MAN Tell my wife I'm gonna be 30 minutes late. WOMAN Tell my husband I'm not surprised. MAN Tell my wife if she has a problem with my work schedule she is more than welcome to get a job of her own. WOMAN Tell my husband that I do just as much work as he does. MAN Tell my wife that if watching "Ellen" is a job she should get a promotion. CU: Woman's iPhone as SIRI speaks in her robotic voice: WOMAN'S SIRI Message from your husband: "I appreciate you." WOMAN Bullshit. What'd he actually say? WOMAN'S SIRI Please don't drag me into this. WOMAN Siri, call my husband. MAN (as phone rings) Siri, ignore the call from my bitch wife. WOMAN Tell my husband that he said he'd respect my choice to stay at home with our child. MAN Tell my wife I would, but she can't even get around to washing his overalls. MAN'S SIRI Did you want me to search for flower shops nearby? WOMAN Tell my husband that at least when I sit on the washing machine, I come. MAN Send my wife this picture. Cut to Woman's iPhone: a picture of a MIDDLE FINGER. MAN And ask her if the washing machine is- Cut to Woman's iPhone: WOMAN'S SIRI ...the only thing you've been sitting on lately. (beat) Oh dear. WOMAN Ask my husband what he means by that. MAN Tell my wife I think she knows. CU on Woman's iPhone with search results: WOMAN'S SIRI Hey look, I Googled "Anger Management Techniques." WOMAN Tell my husband to think very carefully before he says whatever he's about to say. MAN Ask my wife if she's fucking Jim MacPherson! MAN'S SIRI I have scheduled Couples' Therapy for Thursday at 6. WOMAN Tell my husband how dare he! MAN Tell my wife that's not an answer! SIRI ...Is this my fault? WOMAN Tell my husband I will not answer that! MAN ASK MY WIFE IF SHE'S FUCKING JIM MACPHERSON! SIRI Searching for: A Place To Hide. WOMAN (in angry tears) Tell my husband he wishes it was JUST Jim MacPherson. SIRI I don't want to. WOMAN TELL HIM! SIRI Please don't make me. WOMAN DO IT! MAN SEND MY WIFE DIRECTIONS TO HELL! The woman unleashes an ANGUISHED SCREAM. The man unleashes an ANGUISHED SCREAM. The woman throws her iPhone down; it SMASHES on the ground. The man throws his iPhone down; it SMASHES on the ground. SOBS as the camera ZOOMS slowly in on a SMASHED IPHONE. NARRATOR (V.O.) Say goodbye to the most amazing iPhone yet. TITLE AND APPLE LOGO OVER WHITE: iPhone 4s END. TAG: Man stands outside Woman's window, holding his phone above his head. MAN Siri, play "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. SIRI You can't be serious. END.