Woman Afraid of Owls

By

Mitch Magee & Josh Ruben

          TITLE SEQUENCE: OVER THEME SONG, "COME MACRAME WITH ME!":

          CATHY SIMONS(45), fat cheerful mid-western housewife in a
          tacky ornate sweater and pants from the mid-eighties, rises
          into frame against a lavender backdrop. She sinks below the
          frame and then emerges and sinks again from the top and then
          the sides, winking, holding bundles of yarn, blowing kisses
          etc. Intercut are pictures of MACRAME PROJECTS.

          INT. A "CRAFT CORNER" SET

          A fake early-80s suburban den -- lots of cheesy macrame
          projects neatly hanging from the walls. In the center is a
          wooden crafting table with macrame materials arranged in
          rows.

          Cathy sits at the table and addresses the camera in CU:

                              CATHY
                    Hello my darlings. Hello everyone
                    out there in crafting land. Welcome
                    to another installment of "Come
                    Macrame with Me". Now let me begin
                    as I always do, by telling you all
                    how precious you are to me. If you
                    didn't tune in to my show each
                    week, I honestly don't know what I
                    would do with myself.
                    Now last week, we made this
                    beautiful sun, and the week before
                    that we made a frog and I thought
                    those were wonderful projects. As
                    you know, I like to choose the
                    project we make. I bring this up,
                    because I have lately been
                    receiving a several letters a week
                    from people asking that I make a
                    macrame owl.

          INSERT: Letters from viewers.
                         CATHY (CONT'D)
                         (reading)
                    "Dear Cathy, I would like to make a
                    make a macrame owl. Can you show me
                    please?"
                    "Dear Cathy, I believe a good
                    project would be a macrame owl.
                    Owls are lots of fun to make."
                    "Dear Cathy, Every week I ask you
                    to make an owl and you still won't
                    make an owl. Please make an owl!"

          In CU, Cathy gets serious.
                    Now, as I have stated many times
                    before, I am deathly afraid of
                    owls. They severely frighten me.
                    This is the reason we have never
                    made an owl on this program. If I
                    made an owl, I would fly into a fit
                    and destroy the craft corner.
                         (beat)
                    But the letters keep coming, asking
                    me to make an owl. So as a
                    compromise, I've invited the
                    "macrame pals" to join me today and
                    I will teach them all how to make a
                    macrame owl but I will do it with
                    my eyes closed because as I have
                    repeated told all of you, I am
                    deathly afraid of owls and I don't
                    want to do this. So let's bring out
                    the kids.

          FIVE CHILDERN(8-12) in 1980s outfits and hairstyles enter.

          JUMP CUTS: Cathy, HOLDING HER EYES, carefully giving
          instructions on how to make a macrame owl as the children
          work.

                              (CATHY (CONT'D)
                         (ad-libbed)
                    Now start with your one-inch brass
                    ring.
                    Tie a half-hitch and work your way
                    all the way around, wrapping the
                    yarn as you go. Have you all done
                    that, Macrame Pals?
                    Three strands down, make a knot to
                    complete the row,
                    Okay, now that the eyes are
                    finished, we have to make the body.
                    And now you should all be done with
                    your owls.

          JUMP CUTS: One by one, the children trick Cathy into showing
          their completed owls and Cathy SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER
          LUNGS eventually knocking objects over in terror, ruining
          the set.

                              CHILD 1
                    Does this look good Cathy?

                              CATHY
                    Well, let me see.
                         (beat)
                    Ahhhh!

                              CHILD 2
                    Cathy look at this!

                              CATHY
                    Okay. Ahhhh! Why did you trick me?

                              CHILD 3
                    Does this look alright?

                              CATHY
                    Noooo! Help me!!!

          JUMP CUTS: Cathy destroys the set.

          END.