By Mitch Magee & Josh Ruben
TITLE SEQUENCE: OVER THEME SONG, "COME MACRAME WITH ME!": CATHY SIMONS(45), fat cheerful mid-western housewife in a tacky ornate sweater and pants from the mid-eighties, rises into frame against a lavender backdrop. She sinks below the frame and then emerges and sinks again from the top and then the sides, winking, holding bundles of yarn, blowing kisses etc. Intercut are pictures of MACRAME PROJECTS. INT. A "CRAFT CORNER" SET A fake early-80s suburban den -- lots of cheesy macrame projects neatly hanging from the walls. In the center is a wooden crafting table with macrame materials arranged in rows. Cathy sits at the table and addresses the camera in CU: CATHY Hello my darlings. Hello everyone out there in crafting land. Welcome to another installment of "Come Macrame with Me". Now let me begin as I always do, by telling you all how precious you are to me. If you didn't tune in to my show each week, I honestly don't know what I would do with myself. Now last week, we made this beautiful sun, and the week before that we made a frog and I thought those were wonderful projects. As you know, I like to choose the project we make. I bring this up, because I have lately been receiving a several letters a week from people asking that I make a macrame owl. INSERT: Letters from viewers. CATHY (CONT'D) (reading) "Dear Cathy, I would like to make a make a macrame owl. Can you show me please?" "Dear Cathy, I believe a good project would be a macrame owl. Owls are lots of fun to make." "Dear Cathy, Every week I ask you to make an owl and you still won't make an owl. Please make an owl!" In CU, Cathy gets serious. Now, as I have stated many times before, I am deathly afraid of owls. They severely frighten me. This is the reason we have never made an owl on this program. If I made an owl, I would fly into a fit and destroy the craft corner. (beat) But the letters keep coming, asking me to make an owl. So as a compromise, I've invited the "macrame pals" to join me today and I will teach them all how to make a macrame owl but I will do it with my eyes closed because as I have repeated told all of you, I am deathly afraid of owls and I don't want to do this. So let's bring out the kids. FIVE CHILDERN(8-12) in 1980s outfits and hairstyles enter. JUMP CUTS: Cathy, HOLDING HER EYES, carefully giving instructions on how to make a macrame owl as the children work. (CATHY (CONT'D) (ad-libbed) Now start with your one-inch brass ring. Tie a half-hitch and work your way all the way around, wrapping the yarn as you go. Have you all done that, Macrame Pals? Three strands down, make a knot to complete the row, Okay, now that the eyes are finished, we have to make the body. And now you should all be done with your owls. JUMP CUTS: One by one, the children trick Cathy into showing their completed owls and Cathy SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS eventually knocking objects over in terror, ruining the set. CHILD 1 Does this look good Cathy? CATHY Well, let me see. (beat) Ahhhh! CHILD 2 Cathy look at this! CATHY Okay. Ahhhh! Why did you trick me? CHILD 3 Does this look alright? CATHY Noooo! Help me!!! JUMP CUTS: Cathy destroys the set. END.