Very Mary-Kate: Raise Your Hand

By

Elaine Carroll

          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

          FAT PROFESSOR addresses the class.

                              PROFESSOR
                    So that's what we'll be covering
                    this semester. Now are there any
                    questions?

          MARY-KATE enters.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Sorry I'm late.

                              PROFESSOR
                    NO.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Fat professor!
                         (looking him up and down)
                    We have to stop eating like this.

                              PROFESSOR
                    No, no, no. I don't accept this.
                    It's been a fine summer. You are
                    bad for my well-being.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Don't worry. It'll be like I'm not
                    even here.

          Suddenly, HELICOPTER NOISES.

                              HELICOPTER VOICE
                    Mary-Kate, did you get in okay?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yes! Can you hear me?! Everyone
                    yell yes!

                              STUDENTS
                    Yes! She's here! She got in! Etc.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Oh my God stop.

          The classroom settles.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Now. Where was I just now?

                              MARY-KATE
                    IHOP? A booth by yourself? Sad, in
                    sadness?

                              PROFESSOR
                    I remember. Are there any
                    questions?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I have a question.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Raise your hand.

          She raises her hand.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Mary-Kate.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Why do I have to raise my hand?

                              PROFESSOR
                    Because it's polite. Now are there
                    any other questions?

                              MARY-KATE
                         (hand still raised)
                    Why is it polite?

                              PROFESSOR
                    Raise your hand.

                              MARY-KATE
                    But my hand is raised.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Raise it again. Put it down. Down.
                    Now raise it again.

          She does.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Fine. Mary-Kate.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Do I have to do that every time? My
                    blood leaves my arm and my hand
                    falls asleep.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Yes you do.

          She does it again.

                              PROFESSOR
                         (loudly)
                    NO!

          

                              MARY-KATE
                    But I have a question!

                              PROFESSOR
                    No!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ready?

                              PROFESSOR
                    No!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Here it is: can you really say no
                    to a question?

                              PROFESSOR
                    YES!

                              MARY-KATE
                    But you answered that one.

                              PROFESSOR
                    I... That isn't a question!

                              MARY-KATE
                    That's why I didn't raise my hand.

                              PROFESSOR
                    That's it!  I hereby ban you from
                    asking questions!  No matter what
                    you ask, hand raised or unraised,
                    it will not be answered.

          LIMOR raises her hand.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Yes, Limor.

                              LIMOR
                         (reading from phone)
                    She's wondering if she can text her
                    questions to-

                              PROFESSOR
                    No!  No texting.  Nate.

                              NATE
                         (reading from phone)
                    Even if they're super legitsies?

                              PROFESSOR
                    Nate, you are banned as well! 
                    Jeremy!

                              JEREMY
                         (reading from phone)
                    Nate is wondering how that's fair.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Okay!  No texting questions to each
                    other!

          The professor's phone starts bleeping.  He takes it out and
          throws it on the ground.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    No texting questions to me!

          EVERYONE raises their hand.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    No more questions from anyone in
                    this room!

          Helicopter noises.

                              HELICOPTER VOICE
                    Professor?  Mary-Kate is just
                    wondering why you're so fat.

                              PROFESSOR
                    I... HOW?!  HOW?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Uh, uh, uh.  Raise your hand.

          END.