I can't raise my hand. I'm allergic to effort.
By Elaine Carroll
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY FAT PROFESSOR addresses the class. PROFESSOR So that's what we'll be covering this semester. Now are there any questions? MARY-KATE enters. MARY-KATE Sorry I'm late. PROFESSOR NO. MARY-KATE Fat professor! (looking him up and down) We have to stop eating like this. PROFESSOR No, no, no. I don't accept this. It's been a fine summer. You are bad for my well-being. MARY-KATE Don't worry. It'll be like I'm not even here. Suddenly, HELICOPTER NOISES. HELICOPTER VOICE Mary-Kate, did you get in okay? MARY-KATE Yes! Can you hear me?! Everyone yell yes! STUDENTS Yes! She's here! She got in! Etc. PROFESSOR Oh my God stop. The classroom settles. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Now. Where was I just now? MARY-KATE IHOP? A booth by yourself? Sad, in sadness? PROFESSOR I remember. Are there any questions? MARY-KATE I have a question. PROFESSOR Raise your hand. She raises her hand. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE Why do I have to raise my hand? PROFESSOR Because it's polite. Now are there any other questions? MARY-KATE (hand still raised) Why is it polite? PROFESSOR Raise your hand. MARY-KATE But my hand is raised. PROFESSOR Raise it again. Put it down. Down. Now raise it again. She does. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Fine. Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE Do I have to do that every time? My blood leaves my arm and my hand falls asleep. PROFESSOR Yes you do. She does it again. PROFESSOR (loudly) NO! MARY-KATE But I have a question! PROFESSOR No! MARY-KATE Ready? PROFESSOR No! MARY-KATE Here it is: can you really say no to a question? PROFESSOR YES! MARY-KATE But you answered that one. PROFESSOR I... That isn't a question! MARY-KATE That's why I didn't raise my hand. PROFESSOR That's it! I hereby ban you from asking questions! No matter what you ask, hand raised or unraised, it will not be answered. LIMOR raises her hand. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Yes, Limor. LIMOR (reading from phone) She's wondering if she can text her questions to- PROFESSOR No! No texting. Nate. NATE (reading from phone) Even if they're super legitsies? PROFESSOR Nate, you are banned as well! Jeremy! JEREMY (reading from phone) Nate is wondering how that's fair. PROFESSOR Okay! No texting questions to each other! The professor's phone starts bleeping. He takes it out and throws it on the ground. PROFESSOR (CONT.) No texting questions to me! EVERYONE raises their hand. PROFESSOR (CONT.) No more questions from anyone in this room! Helicopter noises. HELICOPTER VOICE Professor? Mary-Kate is just wondering why you're so fat. PROFESSOR I... HOW?! HOW?! MARY-KATE Uh, uh, uh. Raise your hand. END.