Magazines are sooo heavy. Especially the ones with pictures of fat people.
By Elaine Carroll
INT. APARTMENT - DAY Mary-Kate and Bodyguard are at the kitchen island. Bodyguard puts two pills in a wine glass and slides it over. BODYGUARD Your Paxil Paxil smoothie is ready- AAH. Mary-Kate is surrounded by STACKS AND STACKS OF MAGAZINES. MARY-KATE I have sooo much work to catch up on. BODYGUARD Are those all magazines? MARY-KATE Yeah, they're magazines. I've been gone for eight months. I have to catch up on the worlds of fashion, health, beauty, hunting, and fishing. She holds up a copy of Hunting and Fishing. MARY-KATE (CONT.) You know, I'm gonna unsubscribe from this one. BODYGUARD You're not going to read all of those. MARY-KATE Of course I am. Cover to cover. Supermodel to surgeon general's warning. BODYGUARD Well, how's it going so far? MARY-KATE So far I've learned how to please my man in... (quick tally) ...50,000 ways. (whispers) Blowjobs are 5,000 of the ways. BODYGUARD You know, magazines are really just for selling ads. MARY-KATE No they're not! There's some really cool stuff in here! Look. She unfolds an insert, then unfolds it again, and again, until it's enormous. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Oh, it's an ad. But look. We cut away from her quickly, and when we're back, she's wearing it around her neck. MARY-KATE (CONT.) It doubles as a sari. BODYGUARD That looks awful. MARY-KATE (taking it off) Sorry. BODYGUARD You should drink your smoothie. MARY-KATE I don't have time! I have to find the perfect jeans, make a winning summer cocktail, and improve my bath space! As the following magazines are mentioned, she lifts them up. MARY-KATE Not to mention I still have Elles to read, O's to read, Gs, Qs... I don't know where to start! BODYGUARD Alphabetically? MARY-KATE Oh, Bodyguard. All these magazines are making me feel fat and empty at the same time. BODYGUARD Well, magazines do that. They set unreasonably high standards. MARY-KATE It's so true. I mean, how am I supposed to look like this? She holds up a magazine. It's her on the cover. BODYGUARD That's you. MARY-KATE (realizing) Oh. Still, how am I supposed to look like this? Oh Vogue, Photoshop my life! Bodyguard sighs. MARY-KATE Are you mad at me? I know 50,000 ways to please you... BODYGUARD I'm leaving. MARY-KATE Wait, I just want to laugh at your jokes! Be cool with your friends? Watch an action movie? END.