Very Mary-Kate: Magazines

By

Elaine Carroll

          INT. APARTMENT - DAY

          Mary-Kate and Bodyguard are at the kitchen island. 
          Bodyguard puts two pills in a wine glass and slides it over.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Your Paxil Paxil smoothie is ready-
                    AAH.

          Mary-Kate is surrounded by STACKS AND STACKS OF MAGAZINES.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I have sooo much work to catch up
                    on.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Are those all magazines?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, they're magazines.  I've been
                    gone for eight months.  I have to
                    catch up on the worlds of fashion,
                    health, beauty, hunting, and
                    fishing.

          She holds up a copy of Hunting and Fishing.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    You know, I'm gonna unsubscribe
                    from this one.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You're not going to read all of
                    those.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Of course I am.  Cover to cover. 
                    Supermodel to surgeon general's
                    warning.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Well, how's it going so far?

                              MARY-KATE
                    So far I've learned how to please
                    my man in...
                         (quick tally)
                    ...50,000 ways.
                         (whispers)
                    Blowjobs are 5,000 of the ways.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You know, magazines are really just
                    for selling ads.

                              MARY-KATE
                    No they're not!  There's some
                    really cool stuff in here!  Look.

          She unfolds an insert, then unfolds it again, and again,
          until it's enormous.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Oh, it's an ad.  But look.

          We cut away from her quickly, and when we're back, she's
          wearing it around her neck.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    It doubles as a sari.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That looks awful.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (taking it off)
                    Sorry.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You should drink your smoothie.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I don't have time!  I have to find
                    the perfect jeans, make a winning
                    summer cocktail, and improve my
                    bath space! 

          As the following magazines are mentioned, she lifts them up.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Not to mention I still have Elles
                    to read, O's to read, Gs, Qs...  I
                    don't know where to start!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Alphabetically?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, Bodyguard.  All these magazines
                    are making me feel fat and empty at
                    the same time.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Well, magazines do that.  They set
                    unreasonably high standards.

                              MARY-KATE
                    It's so true.  I mean, how am I
                    supposed to look like this?

          She holds up a magazine.  It's her on the cover.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That's you.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (realizing)
                    Oh.  Still, how am I supposed to
                    look like this?  Oh Vogue,
                    Photoshop my life!

          Bodyguard sighs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Are you mad at me?  I know 50,000
                    ways to please you...

                              BODYGUARD
                    I'm leaving.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Wait, I just want to laugh at your
                    jokes!  Be cool with your friends? 
                    Watch an action movie?

          END.