Magazines are sooo heavy. Especially the ones with pictures of fat people.
By Elaine Carroll
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Mary-Kate and Bodyguard are at the kitchen island.
Bodyguard puts two pills in a wine glass and slides it over.
Your Paxil Paxil smoothie is ready-
Mary-Kate is surrounded by STACKS AND STACKS OF MAGAZINES.
I have sooo much work to catch up
Are those all magazines?
Yeah, they're magazines. I've been
gone for eight months. I have to
catch up on the worlds of fashion,
health, beauty, hunting, and
She holds up a copy of Hunting and Fishing.
You know, I'm gonna unsubscribe
from this one.
You're not going to read all of
Of course I am. Cover to cover.
Supermodel to surgeon general's
Well, how's it going so far?
So far I've learned how to please
my man in...
Blowjobs are 5,000 of the ways.
You know, magazines are really just
for selling ads.
No they're not! There's some
really cool stuff in here! Look.
She unfolds an insert, then unfolds it again, and again,
until it's enormous.
Oh, it's an ad. But look.
We cut away from her quickly, and when we're back, she's
wearing it around her neck.
It doubles as a sari.
That looks awful.
(taking it off)
You should drink your smoothie.
I don't have time! I have to find
the perfect jeans, make a winning
summer cocktail, and improve my
As the following magazines are mentioned, she lifts them up.
Not to mention I still have Elles
to read, O's to read, Gs, Qs... I
don't know where to start!
Oh, Bodyguard. All these magazines
are making me feel fat and empty at
the same time.
Well, magazines do that. They set
unreasonably high standards.
It's so true. I mean, how am I
supposed to look like this?
She holds up a magazine. It's her on the cover.
Oh. Still, how am I supposed to
look like this? Oh Vogue,
Photoshop my life!
Are you mad at me? I know 50,000
ways to please you...
Wait, I just want to laugh at your
jokes! Be cool with your friends?
Watch an action movie?