From CH Staff on
Two's company, three's a crowd, twenty's a nightmare.
By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
GRAPHIC: THE NEW YEAR'S EVE MOVIE POSTER The various ACTORS' and ACTRESSES' portraits speak with Annoying Orange-style green-screened MOVING MOUTHS. ABIGAIL BRESLIN Hi everyone, it's me - Abigail Breslin. Just wanted to tell you to come out and see our new movie, "New Year's Eve." In theaters December 9th. LUDACRIS Whoa, she got hot. OTHERS (offended) Whoa! Hey! C'mon! etc. LUDACRIS What? She was a chubby little shit in that Sunshine movie. JOSH DUHAMEL She's like 15, man. MICHELLE PFEIFFER Christ, Ludacris, how'd you manage to get middle square? SARAH JESSICA PARKER Here's a hint: five letters, starts with a "B" and ends with a "K." ASHTON KUTCHER (so stupid) Holy balls, you know Bjork? SARAH JESSICA PARKER Cram it Kutcher, it's 'cause he's black. HECTOR ELIZONDO No... I think they put us in order of decreasing age. That's why Zac Efron's down there. ZAC EFRON (extremely young voice) Hey! Next October I'll be this many. Two REAL HANDS rise into Zac's square, holding up 7 fingers. LUDACRIS Wait, that doesn't make sense. Jon Bon Jovi's younger than DeNiro. How old are you, Jovi? JON BON JOVI Whoaaaa-OH! LUDACRIS Great. Could you say something that isn't the Livin' on a Prayer "Whoa?" JON BON JOVI Noooooo-OH! JESSICA BIEL All due respect, DeNiro shouldn't even be on here. He's only got one line in the movie. ROBERT DENIRO "Ain't no place like New Year's at Thanksgiving," that'll be $400,000. HECTOR ELIZONDO That's not even right. MICHELLE PFEIFFER Um, I vote me and Halle should be next to each other. We did both play Catwoman. JOSH DUHAMEL Yeah, but only one of you gave Michael Keaton crabs. Everyone MOANS, disappointed in Michelle. HALLE BERRY Actually that was me; mah B. JESSICA BIEL Well then Sarah Jessica Parker should be next to Hilary Swank. They're both Horsewomen. SARAH & HILARY Shut up. JESSICA BIEL (VERY LOUD & DEEP-VOICED) YOU SHUT UP! SETH MEYERS starts crying. JOSH DUHAMEL Aw, look what you did. You made Seth Meyers cry. That is- JON BON JOVI Loooooo-OW! SARAH JESSICA PARKER (bitchy) Hey, uh, one of these names is not like the other. Can anyone point out Til Schweiger? I'm looking for Til... Til Schweiger. Is that a typo, or-? TIL SCHWEIGER (bad German accent) Yeah, hi, zat's me. I vas in Inglorious Basterds. I'm actually quite successful in Germany. SARAH JESSICA PARKER I know another guy who was quite successful in Germany. ASHTON KUTCHER David Hasselhoff? SARAH JESSICA PARKER Then he blew his brains out in 1945. ASHTON KUTCHER (confident now) David Hasselhoff. KATHERINE HEIGL Ugh. Cram it, Kutcher. SOFIA VERGARA (a guy doing a Sofia impression) I should be next to Katheriiiine, we are the prettiest. Hey Katheriiiine, want to make oouut? See if you can reach my leeeeps. KATHERINE HEIGL I don't know, I mean, uh- OTHERS (chanting) Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! KATHERINE HEIGL Fine. Sofia and Katherine's lips MOVE towards each other. SOFIA VERGARA EWW! You failed the Gay Test! KATHERINE HEIGL What? SOFIA VERGARA She was totally going to dooo eeet! ZAC EFRON I wanna sit up there with the big boys! Zac tries to shove upward, annoying Hector, Til & Josh. HECTOR/JOSH/TIL Hey, stop!/C'mon, man!/NEIN! NEIN! (slightly after, Til:) NEIN!!! ROBERT DENIRO Everybody relax. Let's remember that what's important here is that tonight is the day of love: Valentine's Month Eve. 400 large, por favor. HECTOR ELIZONDO (over others' MOANS:) You have one fucking line, Bobby. TIL SCHWEIGER Excuse me, um... vat's that smell? SETH MEYERS Oh, man. Lea Michele farted. LEA MICHELE I DID NOT! (beat) I shit my pants. The others erupt in "AWWWW"s and "OH MAN"s, etc. as their little picture boxes SHUFFLE AWAY FROM LEA, eventually leaving frame entirely. Beat. The only boxes left on the poster are Lea Michele, and for some reason, Jon Bon Jovi. JON BON JOVI Grooooo-OSS! END.