New Year's Eve Poster Speaks

By

Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch

          GRAPHIC: THE NEW YEAR'S EVE MOVIE POSTER

          The various ACTORS' and ACTRESSES' portraits speak with
          Annoying Orange-style green-screened MOVING MOUTHS.

                              ABIGAIL BRESLIN
                    Hi everyone, it's me - Abigail
                    Breslin. Just wanted to tell you to
                    come out and see our new movie,
                    "New Year's Eve." In theaters
                    December 9th.

                              LUDACRIS
                    Whoa, she got hot.

                              OTHERS
                         (offended)
                    Whoa! Hey! C'mon! etc.

                              LUDACRIS
                    What? She was a chubby little shit
                    in that Sunshine movie.

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
                    She's like 15, man.

                              MICHELLE PFEIFFER
                    Christ, Ludacris, how'd you manage
                    to get middle square?

                              SARAH JESSICA PARKER
                    Here's a hint: five letters, starts
                    with a "B" and ends with a "K."

                              ASHTON KUTCHER
                         (so stupid)
                    Holy balls, you know Bjork?

                              SARAH JESSICA PARKER
                    Cram it Kutcher, it's 'cause he's
                    black.

                              HECTOR ELIZONDO
                    No... I think they put us in order
                    of decreasing age. That's why Zac
                    Efron's down there.

                              ZAC EFRON
                         (extremely young voice)
                    Hey! Next October I'll be this
                    many.

          Two REAL HANDS rise into Zac's square, holding up 7 fingers.

                              LUDACRIS
                    Wait, that doesn't make sense. Jon
                    Bon Jovi's younger than DeNiro. How
                    old are you, Jovi?

                              JON BON JOVI
                    Whoaaaa-OH!

                              LUDACRIS
                    Great. Could you say something that
                    isn't the Livin' on a Prayer
                    "Whoa?"

                              JON BON JOVI
                    Noooooo-OH!

                              JESSICA BIEL
                    All due respect, DeNiro shouldn't
                    even be on here. He's only got one
                    line in the movie.

                              ROBERT DENIRO
                    "Ain't no place like New Year's at
                    Thanksgiving," that'll be $400,000.

                              HECTOR ELIZONDO
                    That's not even right.

                              MICHELLE PFEIFFER
                    Um, I vote me and Halle should be
                    next to each other. We did both
                    play Catwoman.

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
                    Yeah, but only one of you gave
                    Michael Keaton crabs.

          Everyone MOANS, disappointed in Michelle.

                              HALLE BERRY
                    Actually that was me; mah B.

                              JESSICA BIEL
                    Well then Sarah Jessica Parker
                    should be next to Hilary Swank.
                    They're both Horsewomen.

                              SARAH & HILARY
                    Shut up.

                              JESSICA BIEL
                         (VERY LOUD & DEEP-VOICED)
                    YOU SHUT UP!

          SETH MEYERS starts crying.

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
                    Aw, look what you did. You made
                    Seth Meyers cry. That is-

                              JON BON JOVI
                    Loooooo-OW!

                              SARAH JESSICA PARKER
                         (bitchy)
                    Hey, uh, one of these names is not
                    like the other. Can anyone point
                    out Til Schweiger? I'm looking for
                    Til... Til Schweiger. Is that a
                    typo, or-?

                              TIL SCHWEIGER
                         (bad German accent)
                    Yeah, hi, zat's me. I vas in
                    Inglorious Basterds. I'm actually
                    quite successful in Germany.

                              SARAH JESSICA PARKER
                    I know another guy who was quite
                    successful in Germany.

                              ASHTON KUTCHER
                    David Hasselhoff?

                              SARAH JESSICA PARKER
                    Then he blew his brains out in
                    1945.

                              ASHTON KUTCHER
                         (confident now)
                    David Hasselhoff.

                              KATHERINE HEIGL
                    Ugh. Cram it, Kutcher.

                              SOFIA VERGARA
                         (a guy doing a Sofia
                         impression)
                    I should be next to Katheriiiine,
                    we are the prettiest. Hey
                    Katheriiiine, want to make oouut?
                    See if you can reach my leeeeps.

                              KATHERINE HEIGL
                    I don't know, I mean, uh-

                              OTHERS
                         (chanting)
                    Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

                              KATHERINE HEIGL
                    Fine.

          Sofia and Katherine's lips MOVE towards each other.

                              SOFIA VERGARA
                    EWW! You failed the Gay Test!

                              KATHERINE HEIGL
                    What?

                              SOFIA VERGARA
                    She was totally going to dooo eeet!

                              ZAC EFRON
                    I wanna sit up there with the big
                    boys!

          Zac tries to shove upward, annoying Hector, Til & Josh.

                              HECTOR/JOSH/TIL
                    Hey, stop!/C'mon, man!/NEIN! NEIN!
                         (slightly after, Til:)
                    NEIN!!!

                              ROBERT DENIRO
                    Everybody relax. Let's remember
                    that what's important here is that
                    tonight is the day of love:
                    Valentine's Month Eve. 400 large,
                    por favor.

                              HECTOR ELIZONDO
                         (over others' MOANS:)
                    You have one fucking line, Bobby.

                              TIL SCHWEIGER
                    Excuse me, um... vat's that smell?

                              SETH MEYERS
                    Oh, man. Lea Michele farted.

                              LEA MICHELE
                    I DID NOT!
                         (beat)
                    I shit my pants.

          The others erupt in "AWWWW"s and "OH MAN"s, etc. as their
          little picture boxes SHUFFLE AWAY FROM LEA, eventually
          leaving frame entirely. Beat. The only boxes left on the
          poster are Lea Michele, and for some reason, Jon Bon Jovi.

                              JON BON JOVI
                    Grooooo-OSS!

          END.