The beard makes the man.
By Emily Axford & Streeter Seidell
INT. DECORATED LIVING ROOM WITH CHRISTMAS TREE, NIGHTTIME A LITTLE BOY runs down the stairs, hiding behind the banister, wide-eyed and excited. The sound of bells fills the air and a title card appears in flowery writing: "The 12 Beards of Christmas." LITTLE BOY (looking up with bright eyes) Santa??!? We see SOUL PATCH SANTA with his white beard shaved into a SOUL PATCH. The text "Soul Patch Santa" appears below, accompanied with new age Enya music. He's wearing red yoga pants, a santa beanie and a red and white poncho. SOUL PATCH SANTA (sniffing cup of hot cocoa) Do you have any herbal teas? I don't really do dairy. Chamomile or Milk Thistle, please. Soul Patch Santa takes the Little Boys hand. SOUL PATCH SANTA (massaging between Little Boys thumb and pointer finger) Whoa, whoa. Lot's of tension in these hands. A good boy like you shouldn't be so tense. Here, let's get you centered. Soul Patch Santa rolls out a yoga mat. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY (looking up, bright-ish eyes) Santa??! We see HIPSTER SANTA, with an ironic handlebar mustache with twirls at the end, a messenger bag, and a baggy hipster winter hat with a white pom-pom, super tight santa pants and a red and white, too-small t-shirt. The text "Handlebar Moustache Santa" appears below. HIPSTER SANTA (searching messenger bag) Uhh, I've got... oh, these are some pickles my buddy Tristan makes in Brooklyn. Oh here's a screenplay I wrote I've been trying to get into Demetri Martin's hands... The Little Boy looks up, confused. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa? We hear the sound of hydraulics and rap music on the roof. The engine sputters to "off." PENCIL BEARD SANTA comes through the chimney in a red wife beater, white hoodie, a baseball cap and baggy santa pants. Christmas themed boxers poke over his low rise Santa pants. The text "Pencil Beard Santa" appears below. PENCIL BEARD SANTA Yo what up tiny player? (starts looking through liquor cabinet) Whachu got in this cabinet? You see this? (points to tattoo) It's my daughters name. Yeah, I fuck. Get over it. The Little Boy is shocked. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa? We see FU MANCHU SANTA. He wears some sort of flowing santa robe. The text "Fu Manchu Santa" appears below. FU MANCHU SANTA The true gift of Christmas isn't in the present, but in the giving, my child. I bring you a gift greater than any present: the gift of knowledge. The Little Boy is PISSED. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa? We see GOATEE SANTA who is a beefy MMA type guy with the sleeves cut off his Santa top. The text "GOATEE SANTA" appears below. He dumps out the presents and kicks them under the tree. GOATEE SANTA Try and put me in a chokehold. The Little Boy approaches tentatively and tries. GOATEE SANTA (flipping the little boy and putting him in a chokehold) Too slow, homo. The Little Boy starts crying. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa. We see CONQUISTADOR SANTA. He has conquistador facial hair and a red cape, blowing in the wind, and black curly hair. The text "Conquistador Santa" appears. CONQUISTADOR SANTA (in Spanish, subtitled) Hola. Quick, fetch me your mother, for I brought her a rose. Take care not to wake father and I will bring you the greatest gift of all, a little brother or sister! In 9 months. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa? We see NO BEARD SANTA. He's got a bluetooth in his hear and clean shaven. The text "No Beard Santa" appears below. he wears a red business suit, white shirt and red tie. NO BEARD SANTA (extending a hand) Chris Cringle, how the hell are ya. (phone rings) Carl! You piece of shit! (signals "one minute" to little boy) Nah, I'm actually working, if you can believe it. (nodding, laughing stupidly) Yeah, yeah. Where I am? I dunno, Wisconsin? Ha ha. Yeah, yeah. No Beard Santa does a "drinking" mime signal to the Little Boy as if to say "Do you have anything to drink?" SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa? We see PEDOPHILE STASH SANTA. He wears 70's-style cardigan and cords. He has glasses. He is holding tons of mistletoe. The text "Pedophile Stash Santa" appears below. PEDOPHILE STASH SANTA (creepily) Whoops, looks like we're under the mistletoe. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa? We see HITLER MOUSTACHE SANTA. He wears a very militaristic Santa suit. HITLER MOUSTACHE SANTA Ho! Ho! H- The Little Boy SCREAMS SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa? We see CHIN BEARD SANTA. The text "Chin Beard Santa" appears below. Chin Beard Santa terrifyingly sticks his tongue out a bunch, showing off a tongue piercing, doing devil horns with his hands. He wears a white leather jacket, distresses red shirt, red jeans. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa? We see NECKBEARD SANTA. The text "Neckbeard Santa" appears. he wears a red and white t-shirt that says "I Believe in Me" He has ill-fitting red jorts. NECKBEARD SANTA (looking through a freshly opened pack of Yu-gi-oh cards) I got you some, uh, cards... just gonna make sure there aren't any valuables I might want to... save.. SMASH CUT TO LITTLE BOY Santa!!! We see REAL SANTA look back from putting down presents. REAL SANTA Oh. You're not supposed to see me. (hangs head, sighs) This never gets any easier... Real Santa holds up a gun with a silencer. END.