The Twelve Beards of Christmas

By

Emily Axford & Streeter Seidell

          INT. DECORATED LIVING ROOM WITH CHRISTMAS TREE, NIGHTTIME

          A LITTLE BOY runs down the stairs, hiding behind the
          banister, wide-eyed and excited.  The sound of bells fills
          the air and a title card appears in flowery writing: "The 12
          Beards of Christmas."

                              LITTLE BOY
                         (looking up with bright eyes)
                    Santa??!?

          We see SOUL PATCH SANTA with his white beard shaved into a
          SOUL PATCH.  The text "Soul Patch Santa" appears below,
          accompanied with new age Enya music. He's wearing red yoga
          pants, a santa beanie and a red and white poncho.

                              SOUL PATCH SANTA 
                         (sniffing cup of hot cocoa)
                    Do you have any herbal teas? I
                    don't really do dairy. Chamomile or
                    Milk Thistle, please.

          Soul Patch Santa takes the Little Boys hand.

                              SOUL PATCH SANTA
                         (massaging between Little Boys
                         thumb and pointer finger)
                    Whoa, whoa. Lot's of tension in
                    these hands. A good boy like you
                    shouldn't be so tense. Here, let's
                    get you centered.

          Soul Patch Santa rolls out a yoga mat.

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

                              LITTLE BOY
                         (looking up, bright-ish eyes)
                    Santa??!

          We see HIPSTER SANTA, with an ironic handlebar mustache with
          twirls at the end, a messenger bag, and a baggy hipster
          winter hat with a white pom-pom, super tight santa pants and
          a red and white, too-small t-shirt. The text "Handlebar
          Moustache Santa" appears below.

                              HIPSTER SANTA
                         (searching messenger bag)
                    Uhh, I've got... oh, these are some
                    pickles my buddy Tristan makes in
                    Brooklyn. Oh here's a screenplay I
                    wrote I've been trying to get into
                    Demetri Martin's hands...

          The Little Boy looks up, confused.

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa?

          We hear the sound of hydraulics and rap music on the roof. 
          The engine sputters to "off."  PENCIL BEARD SANTA comes
          through the chimney in a red wife beater, white hoodie, a
          baseball cap and baggy santa pants. Christmas themed 
	  boxers poke over his low rise Santa pants.  The text 
	  "Pencil Beard Santa" appears below.

                              PENCIL BEARD SANTA
                    Yo what up tiny player? 
                         (starts looking through liquor
                         cabinet)
                    Whachu got in this cabinet?  You
                    see this?
                         (points to tattoo)
                    It's my daughters name. Yeah, I
                    fuck. Get over it.

          The Little Boy is shocked.

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa?

          We see FU MANCHU SANTA. He wears some sort of flowing santa
          robe. The text "Fu Manchu Santa" appears below.

                              FU MANCHU SANTA
                    The true gift of Christmas isn't in
                    the present, but in the giving, my
                    child. I bring you a gift greater
                    than any present: the gift of
                    knowledge.

          The Little Boy is PISSED.

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa?

          We see GOATEE SANTA who is a beefy MMA type guy with the
          sleeves cut off his Santa top.  The text "GOATEE SANTA"
          appears below. He dumps out the presents and kicks them
          under the tree.

                              GOATEE SANTA
                    Try and put me in a chokehold.

          The Little Boy approaches tentatively and tries. 

                              GOATEE SANTA
                         (flipping the little boy and
                         putting him in a chokehold)
                    Too slow, homo. 

          The Little Boy starts crying.

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

          

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa.

          We see CONQUISTADOR SANTA.  He has conquistador facial hair
          and a red cape, blowing in the wind, and black curly hair. 
          The text "Conquistador Santa" appears.

                              CONQUISTADOR SANTA
                         (in Spanish, subtitled)
                    Hola. Quick, fetch me your mother,
                    for I brought her a rose.  Take
                    care not to wake father and I will
                    bring you the greatest gift of all,
                    a little brother or sister!  In 9
                    months.

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

          

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa?

          We see NO BEARD SANTA.  He's got a bluetooth in his hear and
          clean shaven.  The text "No Beard Santa" appears below. he
          wears a red business suit, white shirt and red tie.

                              NO BEARD SANTA
                         (extending a hand)
                    Chris Cringle, how the hell are
                    ya. 
                         (phone rings)
                    Carl! You piece of shit! 
                         (signals "one minute" to
                         little boy)
                    Nah, I'm actually working, if you
                    can believe it. 
                         (nodding, laughing stupidly)
                    Yeah, yeah. Where I am? I dunno,
                    Wisconsin? Ha ha. Yeah, yeah.

          No Beard Santa does a "drinking" mime signal to the Little
          Boy as if to say "Do you have anything to drink?"

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

          

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa?

          We see PEDOPHILE STASH SANTA. He wears 70's-style cardigan
          and cords. He has glasses. He is holding tons of mistletoe. 
          The text "Pedophile Stash Santa" appears below.

                              PEDOPHILE STASH SANTA
                         (creepily)
                    Whoops, looks like we're under the
                    mistletoe.

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

          

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa?

          We see HITLER MOUSTACHE SANTA. He wears a very militaristic
          Santa suit.

                              HITLER MOUSTACHE SANTA
                    Ho! Ho! H-

          The Little Boy SCREAMS

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa?

          We see CHIN BEARD SANTA.  The text "Chin Beard Santa"
          appears below.  Chin Beard Santa terrifyingly sticks his
          tongue out a bunch, showing off a tongue piercing, doing
          devil horns with his hands. He wears a white leather jacket,
          distresses red shirt, red jeans.

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

          

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa?

          We see NECKBEARD SANTA.  The text "Neckbeard Santa" appears.
          he wears a red and white t-shirt that says "I Believe in Me"
          He has ill-fitting red jorts.

                              NECKBEARD SANTA
                         (looking through a freshly
                         opened pack of Yu-gi-oh cards)
                    I got you some, uh, cards... just
                    gonna make sure there aren't any
                    valuables I might want to... save..

                                                     SMASH CUT TO

          

                              LITTLE BOY
                    Santa!!!

          We see REAL SANTA look back from putting down presents. 

                              REAL SANTA
                    Oh. You're not supposed to see me. 
                         (hangs head, sighs)
                    This never gets any easier...

          Real Santa holds up a gun with a silencer.

          END.