The Honest Holiday Card Song

The Honest Holiday Card Song

By

Emily Axford

Note: This is a series of staged ridiculous holiday card greeting photos.  Think: matching sweaters, one person blinking, dogs dressed as reindeers, etc.  It will occasionally show close-ups of particular people in the pictures.

PHOTOGRAPH: Family with Mom, Dad, Daughter and Son.  All are wearing matching sweaters and have frizzy 80's hair.

FAMILY
We hope this letter finds you well
But not better than we
Our year was pretty bad but yours was
worse hopefully 

JUST THE GIRLS
As the new year beckons us
We keep you in our thoughts

DAD
Not our prayers cause since I lost my 
Job I don't believe in God

PHOTOGRAPH: A glasses clad couple, wearing "Christmas Present" costumes.

COUPLE
Our marriage is strained
and riddled with disdain

WIFE
He resents the art I sell on
etsssyyyyy!!!

HUSBAND 
(sung underneath wife's held note "etssyyyyyy")
Painting seashells isn't art.

PHOTOGRAPH: Young couple with baby, Sears style background and soft touch.  The baby is naked and grumpy looking.  There is also a cat.  

MOM
I just had a baby now I
struggle with my femininity
We just stopped breastfeeding

BABY 
(making baby sounds, with the following lyrics written in text underneath a close up on it's face)
I miss my mommies boobies

PHOTOGRAPH: A Dad and his two daughters, one fat, one skinny, in pajamas

DAUGHTER 1
Lisa gained ten pounds
Cause she stopped playing lacrosse

DAUGHTER 2
(spoken underneath Daughter 1's held note)
Shut up!

DAD 
(operatically)
My wife up and left me cause she's
sleeping with her boss!

PHOTOGRAPH: Man with Santa costume with family and cat, reclining in front of fire place.

DAUGHTER
You are not real Santa
You are just step Santa
My Dad is real Santa
You suck I hate you Steve

PHOTOGRAPH: Family with dog dressed as a reindeer

SON
I only got accepted to
My safety schools

MOM
We got Roscoe fixed

DOG
(barking, with the following lyrics written in text underneath a close up on his face)
They cut off my fucking balls!

PHOTOGRAPH: Family of blonde people with one black child.  

MOM AND DAD
We adopted an orphan from 
War torn Cameroon

MOM
He won't call me mommy or
eat white people food.

PHOTOGRAPH: A middle aged glasses clad couple, wearing "Christmas Present" costumes.

COUPLE
We're in couples therapy
Working through some things

HUSBAND
Like how come I can't come unless I 
dress up like a baby

PHOTOGRAPH: Family with Mom, Dad, Daughter and Son.  All are wearing matching sweaters and have frizzy 80's hair.

MOM
Tim continues to express
signs of sociopathic-ness

TIM
All the cats in our neighborhood 
Are buried underneath the back porch

PHOTOGRAPH: Family with Mom, Dad, Daughter and Son.  All are wearing matching sweaters and have frizzy 80's hair.

DAUGHTER
I am not a cutter but I
Threaten to to get my way.

SON
My entire family knows 
I am probably gay!

PHOTOGRAPH: Man with Santa costume with family and cat, reclining in front of fire place.

DAUGHTER
I am getting fat but I don't get it

MOM
We sneak her diet food!

DAD
Mr. Muffins died last month.

CAT (meowing, but with text written underneath)
This was the last photograph ever taken of me.  Some sociopathic kid killed me and put me under his porch.  

Zoom out to all the christmas cards together.  The words "Happy Holidays" is written over all them with a cursive inkwell aesthetic.  

VO (whispered, like "Merry Christmas, everyone" at the end of Christmas movies)
Are the holidays over yet?