Very Mary-Kate: Santa

By

Elaine Carroll

          INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

          Bodyguard and Mary-Kate are at the kitchen counter. 
          Mary-Kate is dressed festively.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Your third eggnog espresso is
                    ready.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Can I get a straw?  Grandma's hands
                    are a little shaky.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Normal or-?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Crazy straw.  Do I never say normal
                    straw?  Do we even have normal
                    straws?  If so, destroy them.

          Bodyguard hands Mary-Kate a crazy straw.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You've had a lot of caffeine
                    tonight.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (finishing sipping)
                    Yeah, uh-huh, yes.  My heart is
                    beating like a little drummer boy.
                         (holding her hand to her
                         heart)
                    Rum-pum-pum-pum, Rum-pum-pum-pum.
                         (she stops, looks down, and
                         hits herself in the chest)
                    Rum-pum-pum-pum.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Why are we pulling an all-nighter
                    on Christmas Eve?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Do you know what's at stake here? 
                    We're talking about a big, fat man
                    with a list, you're not getting
                    into Bono's 4am Christmas party,
                    where you can meet... Santa Clause.
                         (beat)
                    First guy was the bouncer.  Sorry
                    if that was confusing.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Who's playing Santa this year?

                              MARY-KATE
                         (obviously)
                    Um, I believe Santa is starring as
                    himself.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Ha, that's- wait, are you serious?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yes, the real Santa Clause.  Which
                    is weird, because isn't tonight a
                    work night for him?  I mean, how
                    does he get all those toys to all
                    those kids in one why are you
                    looking at me like I'm in a
                    wheelchair oh no he's not real is
                    he?

                              BODYGUARD
                    I didn't say that.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh my God.  Oh my God.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Calm down.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (crying)
                    But where do the presents come
                    from?

                              BODYGUARD
                         (sigh)
                    Me, mostly.

                              MARY-KATE
                    But who take the pictures of the
                    cookies and leaves the pictures of
                    the eaten cookies?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Me again.

                              MARY-KATE
                    But who tweets me back when I tweet
                    at the North Pole?

                              BODYGUARD
                    That's a novelty account.

                              MARY-KATE
                    But it says "Official Santa"!

          She sighs.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (recovering)
                    Now that I think about it, it makes
                    so much sense.  Who would live in
                    the North Pole?  I won't go north
                    of 14th street this time of year.

                              BODYGUARD
                    But Mary-Kate, Santa does exist. 
                    Sort of.  You're Santa.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Are you calling me fat?

                              BODYGUARD
                    We're all Santa.  We go from
                    believing in Santa to being Santa
                    for the people that believe in him.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh, I get to play Santa!  I love
                    non-traditional casting!

          Ashley enters groggily, in pajamas.

                              ASHLEY
                    Why are you guys still awake?  We
                    have to get up in six hours for
                    Bono's 4am Christmas party.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, I was just... too excited to
                    sleep.

          Mary-Kate and Bodyguard share meaningful glances.

                              ASHLEY
                    I hear the real Santa's going to be
                    there.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (full of Christmas spirit)
                    Yeah, Ash, yeah.  Yeah, Santa's
                    going to be there.

                              ASHLEY
                    Why are you looking at me like I'm
                    in a wheelchair?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Oh no.

          END.