Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house I was shuffling around chain smoking and trying on different shoes.
By Elaine Carroll
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Bodyguard and Mary-Kate are at the kitchen counter.
Mary-Kate is dressed festively.
Your third eggnog espresso is
Can I get a straw? Grandma's hands
are a little shaky.
Crazy straw. Do I never say normal
straw? Do we even have normal
straws? If so, destroy them.
Bodyguard hands Mary-Kate a crazy straw.
You've had a lot of caffeine
Yeah, uh-huh, yes. My heart is
beating like a little drummer boy.
(holding her hand to her
(she stops, looks down, and
hits herself in the chest)
Why are we pulling an all-nighter
on Christmas Eve?
Do you know what's at stake here?
We're talking about a big, fat man
with a list, you're not getting
into Bono's 4am Christmas party,
where you can meet... Santa Clause.
First guy was the bouncer. Sorry
if that was confusing.
Who's playing Santa this year?
Um, I believe Santa is starring as
Ha, that's- wait, are you serious?
Yes, the real Santa Clause. Which
is weird, because isn't tonight a
work night for him? I mean, how
does he get all those toys to all
those kids in one why are you
looking at me like I'm in a
wheelchair oh no he's not real is
I didn't say that.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
But where do the presents come
But who take the pictures of the
cookies and leaves the pictures of
the eaten cookies?
But who tweets me back when I tweet
at the North Pole?
That's a novelty account.
But it says "Official Santa"!
Now that I think about it, it makes
so much sense. Who would live in
the North Pole? I won't go north
of 14th street this time of year.
But Mary-Kate, Santa does exist.
Sort of. You're Santa.
Are you calling me fat?
We're all Santa. We go from
believing in Santa to being Santa
for the people that believe in him.
Oooh, I get to play Santa! I love
Ashley enters groggily, in pajamas.
Why are you guys still awake? We
have to get up in six hours for
Bono's 4am Christmas party.
Oh, I was just... too excited to
Mary-Kate and Bodyguard share meaningful glances.
I hear the real Santa's going to be
(full of Christmas spirit)
Yeah, Ash, yeah. Yeah, Santa's
going to be there.
Why are you looking at me like I'm
in a wheelchair?