Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house I was shuffling around chain smoking and trying on different shoes.
By Elaine Carroll
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Bodyguard and Mary-Kate are at the kitchen counter. Mary-Kate is dressed festively. BODYGUARD Your third eggnog espresso is ready. MARY-KATE Can I get a straw? Grandma's hands are a little shaky. BODYGUARD Normal or-? MARY-KATE Crazy straw. Do I never say normal straw? Do we even have normal straws? If so, destroy them. Bodyguard hands Mary-Kate a crazy straw. BODYGUARD You've had a lot of caffeine tonight. MARY-KATE (finishing sipping) Yeah, uh-huh, yes. My heart is beating like a little drummer boy. (holding her hand to her heart) Rum-pum-pum-pum, Rum-pum-pum-pum. (she stops, looks down, and hits herself in the chest) Rum-pum-pum-pum. BODYGUARD Why are we pulling an all-nighter on Christmas Eve? MARY-KATE Do you know what's at stake here? We're talking about a big, fat man with a list, you're not getting into Bono's 4am Christmas party, where you can meet... Santa Clause. (beat) First guy was the bouncer. Sorry if that was confusing. BODYGUARD Who's playing Santa this year? MARY-KATE (obviously) Um, I believe Santa is starring as himself. BODYGUARD Ha, that's- wait, are you serious? MARY-KATE Yes, the real Santa Clause. Which is weird, because isn't tonight a work night for him? I mean, how does he get all those toys to all those kids in one why are you looking at me like I'm in a wheelchair oh no he's not real is he? BODYGUARD I didn't say that. MARY-KATE Oh my God. Oh my God. BODYGUARD Calm down. MARY-KATE (crying) But where do the presents come from? BODYGUARD (sigh) Me, mostly. MARY-KATE But who take the pictures of the cookies and leaves the pictures of the eaten cookies? BODYGUARD Me again. MARY-KATE But who tweets me back when I tweet at the North Pole? BODYGUARD That's a novelty account. MARY-KATE But it says "Official Santa"! She sighs. MARY-KATE (recovering) Now that I think about it, it makes so much sense. Who would live in the North Pole? I won't go north of 14th street this time of year. BODYGUARD But Mary-Kate, Santa does exist. Sort of. You're Santa. MARY-KATE Are you calling me fat? BODYGUARD We're all Santa. We go from believing in Santa to being Santa for the people that believe in him. MARY-KATE Oooh, I get to play Santa! I love non-traditional casting! Ashley enters groggily, in pajamas. ASHLEY Why are you guys still awake? We have to get up in six hours for Bono's 4am Christmas party. MARY-KATE Oh, I was just... too excited to sleep. Mary-Kate and Bodyguard share meaningful glances. ASHLEY I hear the real Santa's going to be there. MARY-KATE (full of Christmas spirit) Yeah, Ash, yeah. Yeah, Santa's going to be there. ASHLEY Why are you looking at me like I'm in a wheelchair? BODYGUARD Oh no. END.