Very Mary-Kate: Jetlag

By

Elaine Carroll

          EXT. BODYGUARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

          INSERT: Mary-Kate's hand scratches the door.  Bodyguard
          opens it.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (bro-y)
                    BG.  The Beejees.  Disco's back!
                         (sad)
                    I can't sleep.

                              BODYGUARD
                    It's two in the morning.

                              MARY-KATE
                    But I'm so jet lagged!  My z's are
                    totally effed!  Do you want to get
                    lunch?

                              BODYGUARD
                    You wouldn't eat.  You'd just watch
                    me eat.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I said do you want to get lunch.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I feel like you should have
                    sleeping pills or something.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I took a sleeping pill!  But then I
                    woke up in a cute little little
                    dress and high heels and this.

          Mary-Kate lifts up her hand, revealing a snap-on bracelet.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                         (whispers)
                    I think I went clubbing.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That's a hospital bracelet.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Well that explains why the dress
                    doesn't close in the back.

          A pixelated shot from behind reveals that Mary-Kate is
          bear-assed.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Isn't this nice?  It's just like
                    old times!  Look, there's a notch
                    in the  door for every time I put a
                    notch in the door.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Just because you're back doesn't
                    mean we can go right back to old
                    habits.  You can't sleep?  Figure
                    it out.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, definitely.  I'll definitely
                    figure it out.
                         (sheepish)
                    Will you help me figure it out?

          Bodyguard sighs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, keep sighing.  It's like
                    ocean sounds.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Arrg!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Pirates!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Keep your voice down.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You're right.  If the pirates can't
                    hear us, they can't take our
                    booty.  And my booty's totally
                    exposed right now.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I don't want to play pirates.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Fine, Captain Boring.  You're off
                    the hook.
                         (beat)
                    Tell me a story?

                              BODYGUARD
                    There once was a girl who couldn't
                    sleep.

                              MARY-KATE
                    What's her problem?  This isn't a
                    very well-developed character.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Her name was Mary-Kate.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (gasp)
                    That impostor!

                              BODYGUARD
                    It's a story.

                              MARY-KATE
                    She's telling stories about me? 
                    This is my name, you know.  I could
                    sue.

                              BODYGUARD
                    We're done here.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Wait, I want to know what happens!

                              BODYGUARD
                    The story's over.

                              MARY-KATE
                    My butt is cold.

          Bodyguard closes the door.

          END.