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Very Mary-Kate: Jetlag

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Can't sleep? Count sheepskin boots.

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We serve it by weight sir.

I work at McDonalds, and we have recently started selling "McBites" (it's popcorn chicken) We sell chicken nuggets and chicken selects by the number (4 piece, 10 piece etc) but since bites are so small, we don't count them out, we just scoop them into what ever size box you pick. One day we were particularly busy and I had an especially long line, a man wanted to... Read More » order some of the bites. He asked how many pieces came in the largest box. I stupidly replied "I don't know the exact amount sir" to which he insulted me asking how we could have a new product and I know nothing about it. I responded "We don't actually count the pieces since they are bite sized sir, we sell these by weight not by how many bites are in the box" This reply infuriated him, to which he exploded angrily, further insulted my intelligence, and then stormed out. I pity this man, buying cereal must be total hell for him.

Very Mary-Kate: Jetlag
By
Elaine Carroll
          EXT. BODYGUARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

          INSERT: Mary-Kate's hand scratches the door.  Bodyguard
          opens it.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (bro-y)
                    BG.  The Beejees.  Disco's back!
                         (sad)
                    I can't sleep.

                              BODYGUARD
                    It's two in the morning.

                              MARY-KATE
                    But I'm so jet lagged!  My z's are
                    totally effed!  Do you want to get
                    lunch?

                              BODYGUARD
                    You wouldn't eat.  You'd just watch
                    me eat.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I said do you want to get lunch.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I feel like you should have
                    sleeping pills or something.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I took a sleeping pill!  But then I
                    woke up in a cute little little
                    dress and high heels and this.

          Mary-Kate lifts up her hand, revealing a snap-on bracelet.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                         (whispers)
                    I think I went clubbing.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That's a hospital bracelet.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Well that explains why the dress
                    doesn't close in the back.

          A pixelated shot from behind reveals that Mary-Kate is
          bear-assed.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Isn't this nice?  It's just like
                    old times!  Look, there's a notch
                    in the  door for every time I put a
                    notch in the door.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Just because you're back doesn't
                    mean we can go right back to old
                    habits.  You can't sleep?  Figure
                    it out.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, definitely.  I'll definitely
                    figure it out.
                         (sheepish)
                    Will you help me figure it out?

          Bodyguard sighs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, keep sighing.  It's like
                    ocean sounds.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Arrg!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Pirates!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Keep your voice down.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You're right.  If the pirates can't
                    hear us, they can't take our
                    booty.  And my booty's totally
                    exposed right now.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I don't want to play pirates.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Fine, Captain Boring.  You're off
                    the hook.
                         (beat)
                    Tell me a story?

                              BODYGUARD
                    There once was a girl who couldn't
                    sleep.

                              MARY-KATE
                    What's her problem?  This isn't a
                    very well-developed character.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Her name was Mary-Kate.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (gasp)
                    That impostor!

                              BODYGUARD
                    It's a story.

                              MARY-KATE
                    She's telling stories about me? 
                    This is my name, you know.  I could
                    sue.

                              BODYGUARD
                    We're done here.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Wait, I want to know what happens!

                              BODYGUARD
                    The story's over.

                              MARY-KATE
                    My butt is cold.

          Bodyguard closes the door.

          END.
cast
Mary-Kate Elaine Carroll
Bodyguard Luke Sholl
crew
Director Sam Reich
Producer Sam Marine
Editor Sam Reich
President of Original Content Sam Reich
Executive Producer Spencer Griffin
Director of Post Production Michael Schaubach
Production Manager Sam Sparks
Post Production Producer Lacy Wittman
Production Office Coordinator David Kerns
Hair and Makeup Hana El-Assad
Sound Mixer Harris Karlin
Boom Operator Lisa Hall
Assistant Editor Phil Fox
Post Production Coordinator Amanda Madden
Production Accountant Christine Rodriguez
Assistant Production Accountant Daniel Siegel
Driver PA Kenny Wu
Intern Katrina Bayoneto
Assistant Camera Kali Riley