By Elaine Carroll
EXT. BODYGUARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT INSERT: Mary-Kate's hand scratches the door. Bodyguard opens it. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE (bro-y) BG. The Beejees. Disco's back! (sad) I can't sleep. BODYGUARD It's two in the morning. MARY-KATE But I'm so jet lagged! My z's are totally effed! Do you want to get lunch? BODYGUARD You wouldn't eat. You'd just watch me eat. MARY-KATE I said do you want to get lunch. BODYGUARD I feel like you should have sleeping pills or something. MARY-KATE I took a sleeping pill! But then I woke up in a cute little little dress and high heels and this. Mary-Kate lifts up her hand, revealing a snap-on bracelet. MARY-KATE (CONT.) (whispers) I think I went clubbing. BODYGUARD That's a hospital bracelet. MARY-KATE Well that explains why the dress doesn't close in the back. A pixelated shot from behind reveals that Mary-Kate is bear-assed. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Isn't this nice? It's just like old times! Look, there's a notch in the door for every time I put a notch in the door. BODYGUARD Just because you're back doesn't mean we can go right back to old habits. You can't sleep? Figure it out. MARY-KATE Yeah, definitely. I'll definitely figure it out. (sheepish) Will you help me figure it out? Bodyguard sighs. MARY-KATE Yeah, keep sighing. It's like ocean sounds. BODYGUARD Arrg! MARY-KATE Pirates! BODYGUARD Keep your voice down. MARY-KATE You're right. If the pirates can't hear us, they can't take our booty. And my booty's totally exposed right now. BODYGUARD I don't want to play pirates. MARY-KATE Fine, Captain Boring. You're off the hook. (beat) Tell me a story? BODYGUARD There once was a girl who couldn't sleep. MARY-KATE What's her problem? This isn't a very well-developed character. BODYGUARD Her name was Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE (gasp) That impostor! BODYGUARD It's a story. MARY-KATE She's telling stories about me? This is my name, you know. I could sue. BODYGUARD We're done here. MARY-KATE Wait, I want to know what happens! BODYGUARD The story's over. MARY-KATE My butt is cold. Bodyguard closes the door. END.