Hardly Working: Stage Names

By

Amir Blumenfeld & Dan Gurewitch

          INT. OFFICE 

          AMIR sits next to DAN.

                              DAN
                    I'm thinking of changing my name.

                              AMIR
                    What? Why?

                              DAN
                    I wanna be famous. Dan Gurewitch is
                    not a famous person's name.

                              AMIR
                    You can't just change your name.

                              DAN
                    You kidding me? Celebrities do it
                    all the time. Look at Woody Allen.

                              AMIR
                    What about him?

                              DAN
                    He was born Allen Stuart
                    Konigsberg.

                              AMIR
                    Wow. What about, like, Drew
                    Barrymore?

                              DAN
                    You mean Andrew Barrymore?

                              AMIR
                    Oh my God. Whoopi Goldberg?

                              DAN
                    Whoopance Goldwyn.

                              AMIR
                    Bobcat Goldthwait.

                              DAN
                    Robert Catherine Goldthwait.

                              AMIR
                    Ice Cube?

                              DAN
                    Isaac Cubed.

                              AMIR
                    Lady Gaga?

                              DAN
                    Ladles Gogurt.

                              AMIR
                    Okay, what about M.C. Hammer.
                    Clearly that's his real name.

                              DAN
                    Michael Christian Hammermacher.

                              AMIR
                    Jon Bon Jovi?

                              DAN
                    Jonathan Bonathan Joviathan.

                              AMIR
                    Ray Liotta?

                              DAN
                    Raisin Liotta.

                              AMIR
                    Kenny G.

                              DAN
                    Kenneth G. Goat.

                              AMIR
                    Hulk Hogan?

                              DAN
                    Archibald Hogan Hülk.

                              AMIR
                    How about Meat Loaf?

                              DAN
                    Real name.

                              AMIR
                    And Moby?

                              DAN
                    Mitchell Mobert Pussy.

                              AMIR
                    Makes sense. Vanilla Ice?

                              DAN
                    Nilla Wafer McDyess.

                              AMIR
                    Vin Diesel?

                              DAN
                    Theodore Geisel.

                              AMIR
                    So Dr. Seuss...?

                              DAN
                    Vincent Deisel.

                              AMIR
                    Liv Tyler.

                              DAN
                    Livfree Or Tyhard.

                              AMIR
                    She was named after the movie?

                              DAN
                    Yeah, didn't have a name until she
                    was 30 years old.

                              AMIR
                    Meryl Streep.

                              DAN
                    Bob Sugar.

                              AMIR
                    Seal.

                              DAN
                    Peal.

                              AMIR
                    R. Kelly?

                              DAN
                    Racist Kelly Kapowski.

                              AMIR
                    Larry David.

                              DAN
                    Lardanian Nightmare.

                              AMIR
                    Wow, easy to see why he changed
                    that one.

                              DAN
                    Yeah, his last name was Nightmare.

                              AMIR
                    Prince?

                              DAN
                    Freddie Prince Jr.

                              AMIR
                    Fats Domino?

                              DAN
                    Fartsdildo Dominus.

                              AMIR
                    Okay. Chuck Lorre.

                              DAN
                    Chaim Levine.

                              AMIR
                    Charlie Sheen?

                              DAN
                    Chaim LeSheen.

                              AMIR
                    So Martin Sheen was...

                              DAN
                    Pablo Guillermo Gutierrez San
                    Doval.

                              AMIR
                    And Shia LaBeouf?

                              DAN
                    Chia LeBean.

                              AMIR
                    Andy Warhol?

                              DAN
                         (into the "Lion King" chant)
                    Andrew Warhaaaaaaaa-sa-panyaaaaaaa!

                              AMIR
                    His last name was the Lion King
                    chant?

                              DAN
                    No, the Lion King chant was his
                    last name.

                              AMIR
                    Damon Wayans Jr.

                              DAN
                    Diamond Wiyans Sr. He changed his
                    name from Jr. to Sr. 'cause it was
                    too Jewish.

                              AMIR
                    Farrah Fawcett?

                              DAN
                    The Reverend Furious Fogg.

                              AMIR
                    Wow, that's crazy. So, what's your
                    new name gonna be?

          SLOW PUSH IN on Dan as he ponders this, then...

                                                    SMASH CUT TO:

          A "VARIETY" MAGAZINE SPINS TOWARDS CAMERA. IT STOPS, and we
          see the HEADLINE:

          "COMEDIAN DANDRUFF SANDWICH KILLS SELF"

          and smaller, beneath that:

          "THE REVEREND FURIOUS FOGG TO SPEAK AT FUNERAL"

          END.