Amir picks up Dan's name droppings.
By Amir Blumenfeld & Dan Gurewitch
INT. OFFICE AMIR sits next to DAN. DAN I'm thinking of changing my name. AMIR What? Why? DAN I wanna be famous. Dan Gurewitch is not a famous person's name. AMIR You can't just change your name. DAN You kidding me? Celebrities do it all the time. Look at Woody Allen. AMIR What about him? DAN He was born Allen Stuart Konigsberg. AMIR Wow. What about, like, Drew Barrymore? DAN You mean Andrew Barrymore? AMIR Oh my God. Whoopi Goldberg? DAN Whoopance Goldwyn. AMIR Bobcat Goldthwait. DAN Robert Catherine Goldthwait. AMIR Ice Cube? DAN Isaac Cubed. AMIR Lady Gaga? DAN Ladles Gogurt. AMIR Okay, what about M.C. Hammer. Clearly that's his real name. DAN Michael Christian Hammermacher. AMIR Jon Bon Jovi? DAN Jonathan Bonathan Joviathan. AMIR Ray Liotta? DAN Raisin Liotta. AMIR Kenny G. DAN Kenneth G. Goat. AMIR Hulk Hogan? DAN Archibald Hogan Hülk. AMIR How about Meat Loaf? DAN Real name. AMIR And Moby? DAN Mitchell Mobert Pussy. AMIR Makes sense. Vanilla Ice? DAN Nilla Wafer McDyess. AMIR Vin Diesel? DAN Theodore Geisel. AMIR So Dr. Seuss...? DAN Vincent Deisel. AMIR Liv Tyler. DAN Livfree Or Tyhard. AMIR She was named after the movie? DAN Yeah, didn't have a name until she was 30 years old. AMIR Meryl Streep. DAN Bob Sugar. AMIR Seal. DAN Peal. AMIR R. Kelly? DAN Racist Kelly Kapowski. AMIR Larry David. DAN Lardanian Nightmare. AMIR Wow, easy to see why he changed that one. DAN Yeah, his last name was Nightmare. AMIR Prince? DAN Freddie Prince Jr. AMIR Fats Domino? DAN Fartsdildo Dominus. AMIR Okay. Chuck Lorre. DAN Chaim Levine. AMIR Charlie Sheen? DAN Chaim LeSheen. AMIR So Martin Sheen was... DAN Pablo Guillermo Gutierrez San Doval. AMIR And Shia LaBeouf? DAN Chia LeBean. AMIR Andy Warhol? DAN (into the "Lion King" chant) Andrew Warhaaaaaaaa-sa-panyaaaaaaa! AMIR His last name was the Lion King chant? DAN No, the Lion King chant was his last name. AMIR Damon Wayans Jr. DAN Diamond Wiyans Sr. He changed his name from Jr. to Sr. 'cause it was too Jewish. AMIR Farrah Fawcett? DAN The Reverend Furious Fogg. AMIR Wow, that's crazy. So, what's your new name gonna be? SLOW PUSH IN on Dan as he ponders this, then... SMASH CUT TO: A "VARIETY" MAGAZINE SPINS TOWARDS CAMERA. IT STOPS, and we see the HEADLINE: "COMEDIAN DANDRUFF SANDWICH KILLS SELF" and smaller, beneath that: "THE REVEREND FURIOUS FOGG TO SPEAK AT FUNERAL" END.