By Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph
INT. WHITE VOID Streeter enters. STREETER Hey, want to hear a secret? Magic is real. Know how I know? Because - Pat, dressed as a wizard jumps on Street's line. PAT Because magic can be coaxed from the stone, the berry bush, the - STREETER No. Because I've had sex. And sex is magic. PAT (defeated) Oh... STREETER And I'm not talking about silly, metaphorical magic. Streeter passes MARINA holding a GUY'S hand. MARINA We're going to do it and it's going to be magical and we're going to fall in love and get married! STREETER That's not true! No, I'm talking about real magic. Alchemy, in fact. As he talks, Pat enters and turns Marina into a FROG. The young man is PISSED. YOUNG MAN Seriously, dude?! STREETER Because sex takes things that are awful, shameful and disgusting in every day life and makes them wonderful turn ons. NEW SHOT: Two assistants set up CURTAIN. Streeter enters. STREETER Watch closely now. CURTAIN OPENS. Behind it, a GUY IN A SUIT stares at an attractive GIRL. GUY 1 I want to fuck you to death. STREETER That is creepy if not downright illegal. But with a wave of the flesh wand... Streeter waves his hands at the curtain. The assistants open the curtain. The guy and girl are now having sex on a bed. GUY 1 I want to fuck you to death! GIRL 1 Yeah! Kill me with that knife dick! STREETER What a weirdo! (beat) And dirty talk isn't the only thing that magically becomes OK in bed. In BG, the girl starts spanking her partner. STREETER Spanking. Cool here. CURTAINS CLOSE then OPEN to reveal girl still spanking guy, but both are in NORMAL CLOTHES. GUY It is NOT the 50's anymore! STREETER Not cool here. CURTAINS CLOSE. When they open, guy and girl are having sex again. Guy pulls girl's hair. She's into it. STREETER Hair pulling! Cool and a little kinky. CURTAINS. Normal clothes, guy is still pulling girl's hair. She FREAKS OUT. STREETER Magically not cool at all. Guy SPITS in the girl's face. She freaks EVEN MORE. STREETER Spitting in her face. Definitely not cool. CURTAINS. Guy spits in girl's face in bed. She's still grossed out. STREETER Still not cool. Unless that's her thing. GIRL It's not my thing. (beat, proudly) I'm into feet. Streeter shrugs. With jazz fingers, as he exits: STREETER Magic. NEW SHOT. Streeter enters frame. STREETER Sex should be gross. You sweat and wheeze like a marathon runner on mile 17… But somehow this other person just lets you lay on top of them! Magic! As Streeter talks, EXHAUSTED RUNNERS pass in the BG. STREETER Imagine getting a hug from a run for funner not during sex. I- One of the RUNNERS re-enters in the foreground and collapses on Street, breathing hard. STREETER I said imagine! Come on, man, I- Giving up, he continues, the man still breathing on him. STREETER (fighting through it) Even the anus, the grossest part of our body, becomes magically attractive during sex. Sex is the only time you might be OK with a finger up... The guy raises an index finger. STREETER Absolutely not. Streeter quickly exits. NEW SHOT: Streeter comes back to the CURTAIN, now back-lit. In silhouette, we see our guy and girl having FEROCIOUS SEX. STREETER But like all magic, there's a catch. The millisecond the sex is over everything that was so attractive just seconds ago instantly becomes gross again. LIGHTNING SFX as the guy and girl finish. The back-light turns off, erasing the silhouettes on the curtain. STREETER Midnight has struck, your carriage has turned back into a pumpkin, and now you have to face the consequences. The curtains open. Guy and girl sit on the edge of the bed. GUY Did you really say "knife dick"? GIRL I think you tore out a clump of my hair. GUY Hey...I'm...I'm sorry about the spitting. GIRL I am NOT sleeping here unless you change the sheets. GUY (staring at his finger) I'mmmmmm gonna go wash my hands. Streeter moves on from the somber couple. STREETER So if anybody tells you sex isn't magic, here's what you do: Sneak up behind them, stick a finger right in their ass, and say, "If we were having sex, you wouldn't-" The RUNNER from before pops up from below frame, hugging Streeter all sweaty-like. STREETER COME ON, MAN! RUNNER (holding out finger) Let's just try it! END.