By Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph
INT. WHITE VOID
Hey, want to hear a secret? Magic
is real. Know how I know? Because -
Pat, dressed as a wizard jumps on Street's line.
Because magic can be coaxed from
the stone, the berry bush, the -
No. Because I've had sex. And sex
And I'm not talking about silly,
Streeter passes MARINA holding a GUY'S hand.
We're going to do it and it's going
to be magical and we're going to
fall in love and get married!
That's not true! No, I'm talking
about real magic. Alchemy, in fact.
As he talks, Pat enters and turns Marina into a FROG. The
young man is PISSED.
Because sex takes things that are
awful, shameful and disgusting in
every day life and makes them
wonderful turn ons.
NEW SHOT: Two assistants set up CURTAIN. Streeter enters.
Watch closely now.
CURTAIN OPENS. Behind it, a GUY IN A SUIT stares at an
I want to fuck you to death.
That is creepy if not downright
illegal. But with a wave of the
Streeter waves his hands at the curtain. The assistants open
the curtain. The guy and girl are now having sex on a bed.
I want to fuck you to death!
Yeah! Kill me with that knife dick!
What a weirdo!
And dirty talk isn't the only thing
that magically becomes OK in bed.
In BG, the girl starts spanking her partner.
Spanking. Cool here.
CURTAINS CLOSE then OPEN to reveal girl still spanking guy,
but both are in NORMAL CLOTHES.
It is NOT the 50's anymore!
Not cool here.
CURTAINS CLOSE. When they open, guy and girl are having sex
again. Guy pulls girl's hair. She's into it.
Hair pulling! Cool and a little
CURTAINS. Normal clothes, guy is still pulling girl's hair.
She FREAKS OUT.
Magically not cool at all.
Guy SPITS in the girl's face. She freaks EVEN MORE.
Spitting in her face. Definitely
CURTAINS. Guy spits in girl's face in bed. She's still
Still not cool. Unless that's her
It's not my thing.
I'm into feet.
Streeter shrugs. With jazz fingers, as he exits:
NEW SHOT. Streeter enters frame.
Sex should be gross. You sweat and
wheeze like a marathon runner on
mile 17… But somehow this other
person just lets you lay on top of
As Streeter talks, EXHAUSTED RUNNERS pass in the BG.
Imagine getting a hug from a run
for funner not during sex. I-
One of the RUNNERS re-enters in the foreground and collapses
on Street, breathing hard.
I said imagine! Come on, man, I-
Giving up, he continues, the man still breathing on him.
(fighting through it)
Even the anus, the grossest part of
our body, becomes magically
attractive during sex. Sex is the
only time you might be OK with a
The guy raises an index finger.
Streeter quickly exits.
NEW SHOT: Streeter comes back to the CURTAIN, now back-lit.
In silhouette, we see our guy and girl having FEROCIOUS SEX.
But like all magic, there's a
catch. The millisecond the sex is
over everything that was so
attractive just seconds ago
instantly becomes gross again.
LIGHTNING SFX as the guy and girl finish. The back-light
turns off, erasing the silhouettes on the curtain.
Midnight has struck, your carriage
has turned back into a pumpkin, and
now you have to face the
The curtains open. Guy and girl sit on the edge of the bed.
Did you really say "knife dick"?
I think you tore out a clump of my
Hey...I'm...I'm sorry about the
I am NOT sleeping here unless you
change the sheets.
(staring at his finger)
I'mmmmmm gonna go wash my hands.
Streeter moves on from the somber couple.
So if anybody tells you sex isn't
magic, here's what you do: Sneak up
behind them, stick a finger right
in their ass, and say, "If we were
having sex, you wouldn't-"
The RUNNER from before pops up from below frame, hugging
Streeter all sweaty-like.
COME ON, MAN!
(holding out finger)
Let's just try it!