Why Sex Is Magic

By

Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph

          INT. WHITE VOID

          Streeter enters.

                              STREETER
                    Hey, want to hear a secret? Magic
                    is real. Know how I know? Because -

          Pat, dressed as a wizard jumps on Street's line.

                              PAT
                    Because magic can be coaxed from
                    the stone, the berry bush, the -

                              STREETER
                    No. Because I've had sex. And sex
                    is magic.

                              PAT
                         (defeated)
                    Oh...

                              STREETER
                    And I'm not talking about silly,
                    metaphorical magic.

          Streeter passes MARINA holding a GUY'S hand.

                              MARINA
                    We're going to do it and it's going
                    to be magical and we're going to
                    fall in love and get married!

                              STREETER
                    That's not true! No, I'm talking
                    about real magic. Alchemy, in fact.

          As he talks, Pat enters and turns Marina into a FROG. The
          young man is PISSED.

                              YOUNG MAN
                    Seriously, dude?!

                              STREETER
                    Because sex takes things that are
                    awful, shameful and disgusting in
                    every day life and makes them
                    wonderful turn ons.

          NEW SHOT: Two assistants set up CURTAIN. Streeter enters.

                              STREETER
                    Watch closely now.

          CURTAIN OPENS. Behind it, a GUY IN A SUIT stares at an
          attractive GIRL.

                              GUY 1
                    I want to fuck you to death.

                              STREETER
                    That is creepy if not downright
                    illegal. But with a wave of the
                    flesh wand...

          Streeter waves his hands at the curtain. The assistants open
          the curtain. The guy and girl are now having sex on a bed.

                              GUY 1
                    I want to fuck you to death!

                              GIRL 1
                    Yeah! Kill me with that knife dick!

                              STREETER
                    What a weirdo!
                         (beat)
                    And dirty talk isn't the only thing
                    that magically becomes OK in bed.

          In BG, the girl starts spanking her partner.

                              STREETER
                    Spanking. Cool here.

          CURTAINS CLOSE then OPEN to reveal girl still spanking guy,
          but both are in NORMAL CLOTHES.

                              GUY
                    It is NOT the 50's anymore!

                              STREETER
                    Not cool here.

          CURTAINS CLOSE. When they open, guy and girl are having sex
          again. Guy pulls girl's hair. She's into it.

                              STREETER
                    Hair pulling! Cool and a little
                    kinky.

          CURTAINS. Normal clothes, guy is still pulling girl's hair.
          She FREAKS OUT.

                              STREETER
                    Magically not cool at all.

          Guy SPITS in the girl's face. She freaks EVEN MORE.

                              STREETER
                    Spitting in her face. Definitely
                    not cool.

          CURTAINS. Guy spits in girl's face in bed. She's still
          grossed out.

                              STREETER
                    Still not cool. Unless that's her
                    thing.

                              GIRL
                    It's not my thing.
                         (beat, proudly)
                    I'm into feet.

          Streeter shrugs. With jazz fingers, as he exits:

                              STREETER
                    Magic.

          NEW SHOT. Streeter enters frame.

                              STREETER
                    Sex should be gross. You sweat and
                    wheeze like a marathon runner on
                    mile 17… But somehow this other
                    person just lets you lay on top of
                    them! Magic!

          As Streeter talks, EXHAUSTED RUNNERS pass in the BG.

                              STREETER
                    Imagine getting a hug from a run
                    for funner not during sex. I-

          One of the RUNNERS re-enters in the foreground and collapses
          on Street, breathing hard.

                              STREETER
                    I said imagine! Come on, man, I-

          Giving up, he continues, the man still breathing on him.

                              STREETER
                         (fighting through it)
                    Even the anus, the grossest part of
                    our body, becomes magically
                    attractive during sex. Sex is the
                    only time you might be OK with a
                    finger up...

          The guy raises an index finger.

                              STREETER
                    Absolutely not.

          Streeter quickly exits.

          NEW SHOT: Streeter comes back to the CURTAIN, now back-lit.
          In silhouette, we see our guy and girl having FEROCIOUS SEX.

                              STREETER
                    But like all magic, there's a
                    catch. The millisecond the sex is
                    over everything that was so
                    attractive just seconds ago
                    instantly becomes gross again.

          LIGHTNING SFX as the guy and girl finish. The back-light
          turns off, erasing the silhouettes on the curtain.

                              STREETER
                    Midnight has struck, your carriage
                    has turned back into a pumpkin, and
                    now you have to face the
                    consequences.

          The curtains open. Guy and girl sit on the edge of the bed.

                              GUY
                    Did you really say "knife dick"?

                              GIRL
                    I think you tore out a clump of my
                    hair.

                              GUY
                    Hey...I'm...I'm sorry about the
                    spitting.

                              GIRL
                    I am NOT sleeping here unless you
                    change the sheets.

                              GUY
                         (staring at his finger)
                    I'mmmmmm gonna go wash my hands.

          Streeter moves on from the somber couple.

                              STREETER
                    So if anybody tells you sex isn't
                    magic, here's what you do: Sneak up
                    behind them, stick a finger right
                    in their ass, and say, "If we were
                    having sex, you wouldn't-"

          The RUNNER from before pops up from below frame, hugging
          Streeter all sweaty-like.

                              STREETER
                    COME ON, MAN!

                              RUNNER
                         (holding out finger)
                    Let's just try it!

          END.