Very Mary-Kate: Jewish Looking Girl

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

          The end of class.  MARY-KATE approaches LIMOR as she packs
          up her things.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Jewish-looking girl?

                              LIMOR
                    Human holocaust?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Mary-Kate.  That's okay.  WE
                    haven't MET met.  Like met for
                    lunch at the Met.

          A beat.

                              LIMOR
                    Anyway, bye.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Wait, I got your Facebook invite! 
                    I'm inny like like a good
                    bellybutton!

                              LIMOR
                    Uh... I just sent that to everyone.

                              MARY-KATE
                    So everyone's going to be there? 
                    Because Elijah Wood and I are in a
                    fight about how much he sucks.  I
                    say he sucks, he disagrees.

                              LIMOR
                    Yeah, Elijah Wood isn't coming.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Then I'll be there!  How much are
                    seats?

                              LIMOR
                    It's free.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Like a public benefit for the City
                    of New York?

                              LIMOR
                    Yeah, like that.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Should I bring money anyway?  Is
                    there merch?

                              LIMOR
                    There's a two-drink minimum.

                              MARY-KATE
                    No worries.  Is there a maximum? 
                    Because, in that case, worries.

                              LIMOR
                    There's no maximum.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Can I get a +1?  In case Elijah
                    Wood stops sucking?

                              LIMOR
                    I...

                              MARY-KATE
                    Can I get a VIP pass?  VVIP?  How
                    deep do the Vs go?  How deep can my
                    V-neck be?  Is there a dress code? 
                    Is there a code to the VIP room? 
                    Can I get a VIP pass?

                              LIMOR
                    Look, I'm not going to fuck with
                    you, okay?  This isn't some big
                    concert.  This is me and my friends
                    rocking out in the basement of a
                    bar, making the earth quiver.  Are
                    you into that shit?

          Mary-Kate looks shocked, but slowly but surely raises up her
          hand, which is making a rock symbol.

                              LIMOR
                    Fine.  The Petri Dish.  Midnight.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh, I'm tired at midnight.  Is
                    there a matinee?

          Limor shoots her a look.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I mean... is there MDMA?

                              LIMOR
                    You do drugs?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Uh... Is the sky purple right now?

                              LIMOR
                    The sky is black to me.  The sky is
                    always black to me.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (laughing nervously)
                    Like your lipstick.

                              LIMOR
                    Yeah, black is my thing.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You Jews and your blacks.  Sorry,
                    sorry.  You Jewish people and your
                    African-Americans.

                              LIMOR
                    I'm not Jewish.

                              MARY-KATE
                    What?!  You just rocked my world.

                              LIMOR
                    Wait til tonight.

          End.