My 2nd month into my freshman year of college I met this guy who was pretty cute and he came to visit me in my dorm. Come to find out he's only had sex once 2 years ago. Which you know I'm alright with until he asked me to "hold it open".
It's freezing cold under all these layers.
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Very Mary-Kate: Layers
By
Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are in the kitchen. Mary-Kate wears
so many layers that she's a dome. Bodyguard gets off the
phone.
BODYGUARD
The repairman will be here any
minute.
MARY-KATE
Oh, the h-h-heat's broken? I
didn't n-n-notice.
BODYGUARD
Nice outfit.
MARY-KATE
You like it? I thought this hat
went well with my everything.
BODYGUARD
I don't think you thought this
through. What if you have to go to
the bathroom?
MARY-KATE
Oh no.
BODYGUARD
What?
MARY-KATE
The thing you just said. It's now
the case.
BODYGUARD
The case?
MARY-KATE
The case. It's the case. I have a
case of the bathrooms. It's the
case of the missing pee, and it's
about to be solved.
BODYGUARD
Oh no. Okay. Here.
He takes off her outer layer.
MARY-KATE
Careful, that's linen! It need to
be hung up or it'll wrinkle!
Wrinkle rhymes with tinkle, hurry!
BODYGUARD
Okay!
He takes off the next layer.
MARY-KATE
Careful, that's black! You can't
just put it on the floor, it'll get
covered in cat fur!
BODYGUARD
Fine!
MARY-KATE
Careful, that's cat fur!
BODYGUARD
Then why did-
MARY-KATE
Careful, that's frog skin! It
needs to be put in water! Water,
pee, faster!
BODYGUARD
Really?
MARY-KATE
Careful, that one has big pockets!
BODYGUARD
So what?
MARY-KATE
So there might be stuff in them!
BODYGUARD
What's this?
MARY-KATE
That's a pocket warmer! Careful,
that needs to be kept in pockets!
BODYGUARD
I just-
MARY-KATE
Careful, that's foam! It needs to
be put on a me mannequin or it'll
lose its shape!
BODYGUARD
A you mannequin?
MARY-KATE
Or Ashley! Or an Ashley
mannequin! Mannequin, Monterey,
ocean, pee, faster!
BODYGUARD
Okay!
MARY-KATE
Take the frog skin out!
BODYGUARD
Why?!
MARY-KATE
It needs to be on land half the
time. It's amphibian.
BODYGUARD
God!
MARY-KATE
Careful, that's an invisibility
cloak!
BODYGUARD
It's not invisible!
MARY-KATE
You ruined it!
BODYGUARD
How?!
MARY-KATE
Careful, that's 100% chauvinist!
It needs to be man-washed or
guy-cleaned.
BODYGUARD
What?!
MARY-KATE
Careful, that's the parka of Dorian
Gray. If it rips, I'll get old and
die!
BODYGUARD
Aah!
MARY-KATE
Careful with that!
BODYGUARD
Why?!
MARY-KATE
It's covered in pee.
Beat.
BODYGUARD
When did you pee?
MARY-KATE
A while ago. I forgot what we were
doing.
Bodyguard sighs.
MARY-KATE
It's brrrr in here. Can I borrow
your blazer?
BODYGUARD
(handing it to her)
Careful with that.
MARY-KATE
No.
END.
| cast | |
| Mary-Kate | Elaine Carroll |
| Bodyguard | Luke Sholl |
| crew | |
| Director | Sam Reich |
| Producer | Sam Marine |
| Editor | Sam Reich |
| President of Original Content | Sam Reich |
| Executive Producer | Spencer Griffin |
| Director of Post Production | Michael Schaubach |
| Production Manager | Sam Sparks |
| Assistant Production Manager | Jeremy Reitz |
| Post Production Producer | Lacy Wittman |
| Art Director | Sarah Scheld |
| Hair and Makeup | Hana El-Assad |
| Sound Mixer | Kurt Seery |
| Visual Effects | Gloo Studios |
| Assistant Editor | Phil Fox |
| Post Production Coordinator | Amanda Madden |
| Production Accountant | Christine Rodriguez |
| Assistant Production Accountant | Daniel Siegel |
| Erin Marshall | |
| Driver PA | Kevin Etherson |
| Assistant Camera | Sam Thonis |
Finally, the transparent bathroom that no one has been asking for.
Presidents indulging in vice. They should be called vice presidents. ... wait.
Dating profiles for NFL stars: because who would ever be attracted to muscular millionaires?
Come for the funny signs; stay for the crappy food.
This MMA fighter faces his greatest enemy: himself.
Looks great, makes beef jerky. What more could you want?
Would you rather drown or fall to your death? Now you don't have to choose!
And now they're dribbling all over the court...
The future is finally here: flying dogs.
She's asking for sexual Lintercourse
