By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are in the kitchen. Mary-Kate wears so many layers that she's a dome. Bodyguard gets off the phone. BODYGUARD The repairman will be here any minute. MARY-KATE Oh, the h-h-heat's broken? I didn't n-n-notice. BODYGUARD Nice outfit. MARY-KATE You like it? I thought this hat went well with my everything. BODYGUARD I don't think you thought this through. What if you have to go to the bathroom? MARY-KATE Oh no. BODYGUARD What? MARY-KATE The thing you just said. It's now the case. BODYGUARD The case? MARY-KATE The case. It's the case. I have a case of the bathrooms. It's the case of the missing pee, and it's about to be solved. BODYGUARD Oh no. Okay. Here. He takes off her outer layer. MARY-KATE Careful, that's linen! It need to be hung up or it'll wrinkle! Wrinkle rhymes with tinkle, hurry! BODYGUARD Okay! He takes off the next layer. MARY-KATE Careful, that's black! You can't just put it on the floor, it'll get covered in cat fur! BODYGUARD Fine! MARY-KATE Careful, that's cat fur! BODYGUARD Then why did- MARY-KATE Careful, that's frog skin! It needs to be put in water! Water, pee, faster! BODYGUARD Really? MARY-KATE Careful, that one has big pockets! BODYGUARD So what? MARY-KATE So there might be stuff in them! BODYGUARD What's this? MARY-KATE That's a pocket warmer! Careful, that needs to be kept in pockets! BODYGUARD I just- MARY-KATE Careful, that's foam! It needs to be put on a me mannequin or it'll lose its shape! BODYGUARD A you mannequin? MARY-KATE Or Ashley! Or an Ashley mannequin! Mannequin, Monterey, ocean, pee, faster! BODYGUARD Okay! MARY-KATE Take the frog skin out! BODYGUARD Why?! MARY-KATE It needs to be on land half the time. It's amphibian. BODYGUARD God! MARY-KATE Careful, that's an invisibility cloak! BODYGUARD It's not invisible! MARY-KATE You ruined it! BODYGUARD How?! MARY-KATE Careful, that's 100% chauvinist! It needs to be man-washed or guy-cleaned. BODYGUARD What?! MARY-KATE Careful, that's the parka of Dorian Gray. If it rips, I'll get old and die! BODYGUARD Aah! MARY-KATE Careful with that! BODYGUARD Why?! MARY-KATE It's covered in pee. Beat. BODYGUARD When did you pee? MARY-KATE A while ago. I forgot what we were doing. Bodyguard sighs. MARY-KATE It's brrrr in here. Can I borrow your blazer? BODYGUARD (handing it to her) Careful with that. MARY-KATE No. END.