Very Mary-Kate: Layers

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are in the kitchen.  Mary-Kate wears
          so many layers that she's a dome.  Bodyguard gets off the
          phone.

                              BODYGUARD
                    The repairman will be here any
                    minute.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, the h-h-heat's broken?  I
                    didn't n-n-notice.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Nice outfit.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You like it?  I thought this hat
                    went well with my everything.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I don't think you thought this
                    through.  What if you have to go to
                    the bathroom?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh no.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What?

                              MARY-KATE
                    The thing you just said.  It's now
                    the case.

                              BODYGUARD
                    The case?

                              MARY-KATE
                    The case.  It's the case.  I have a
                    case of the bathrooms.  It's the
                    case of the missing pee, and it's
                    about to be solved.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Oh no.  Okay.  Here.

          He takes off her outer layer.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that's linen!  It need to
                    be hung up or it'll wrinkle! 
                    Wrinkle rhymes with tinkle, hurry!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Okay!

          He takes off the next layer.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that's black!  You can't
                    just put it on the floor, it'll get
                    covered in cat fur!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Fine!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that's cat fur!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Then why did-

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that's frog skin!  It
                    needs to be put in water!  Water,
                    pee, faster!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Really?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that one has big pockets!

                              BODYGUARD
                    So what?

                              MARY-KATE
                    So there might be stuff in them!

                              BODYGUARD
                    What's this?

                              MARY-KATE
                    That's a pocket warmer!  Careful,
                    that needs to be kept in pockets!

                              BODYGUARD
                    I just-

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that's foam!  It needs to
                    be put on a me mannequin or it'll
                    lose its shape!

                              BODYGUARD
                    A you mannequin?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Or Ashley!  Or an Ashley
                    mannequin!  Mannequin, Monterey,
                    ocean, pee, faster!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Okay!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Take the frog skin out!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Why?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    It needs to be on land half the
                    time.  It's amphibian.

                              BODYGUARD
                    God!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that's an invisibility
                    cloak!

                              BODYGUARD
                    It's not invisible!

                              MARY-KATE
                    You ruined it!

                              BODYGUARD
                    How?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that's 100% chauvinist! 
                    It needs to be man-washed or
                    guy-cleaned.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful, that's the parka of Dorian
                    Gray.  If it rips, I'll get old and
                    die!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Aah!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Careful with that!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Why?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    It's covered in pee.

          Beat.

                              BODYGUARD
                    When did you pee?

                              MARY-KATE
                    A while ago.  I forgot what we were
                    doing.

          Bodyguard sighs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    It's brrrr in here.  Can I borrow
                    your blazer?

                              BODYGUARD
                         (handing it to her)
                    Careful with that.

                              MARY-KATE
                    No.

          END.