They're first on the scene, because nobody else cares.
By Patrick Cassels & Ben Joseph
INT. flashy, modern news room -- day Some way-too-sexy shots of not sexy things: A few chubby writers asleep, a half eaten Wendy's burger, etc. CHAZ, a douche middle-aged editor, leans over a cubicle. chaz Okay, what do we got? ZARAH, a young hipster reporter, spins around in her chair. zarah Sooo, I spotted Teck in a mall food court. Thursday afternoon. SHOT: GRAINY FOOTAGE of TECK in a food court. chaz (angry) That's it? zarah He was eating nachos. SHOT: Same footage. Teck is now munching on NACHOS. TECK (to himself) Damn, these are good nachos. BACK TO NEWS ROOM: CHAZ Now you're talkin'! An unnecessary GUITAR WAIL sends us to... OPENING GRAPHIC: Something gaudy, flashy, with lots of red and silver, ending on our show's TITLE: "TMZ 2." obnoxious narrator (v.o.) (proud) This is TMZ 2. Because we're not leaving any celebrity sightings on the cutting room floor. (beat) Even if we should've. CHAZ leans his head back. CHAZ Don't tell me: Alan Thicke was at it again? BIV, a chubby male reporter, smiles. BIV Do you have to ask? I caught the Growing Pains man on his back porch feeding his Burmilla cat from a jumbo -- and I mean JUMBO -- bag of cat food. CUT TO: Video of THICKE pouring a bag of cat food. He notices camera. ALAN THICKE Is there- Is there somebody in my trash can? The camera man panics and runs away, knocking over the trash can in the process. As he runs, we hear: ALAN THICKE (O.C.) Do you need any help? I think you're bleeding. BACK TO NEWS ROOM: CHAZ Unreal. Did he put it away? Biv is now COVERED WITH GARBAGE and has a BANDAGED HAND: BIV (with a wink) I didn't find out! omni Whoa! / No way! / Nice work! The video of THICKE freezes, badly Photoshopped whiskers and ears pop out of his face, accompanied by a "meow!" SFX. It disappears into a cartoon CUPBOARD. TRANSITION. SAX, another reporter, slaps down some photos. Sax O-ka. You are never going to believe who I saw outside my local bodega. (beat) The guy who played Riker on Star Trek: The Next Generation. zarah Oh. My. Fuck. CLOSE ON the photos: A BEARDED GUY in a parking lot. CHAZ Wait, that's not him. sax Looks like him, though! The room goes NUTS. "It does!... Great job!..." O.C. Voice Did he buy milk?! SAX You fucking know it! Everyone laughs. ANOTHER SILVER & RED JUMP. TAVON pitches Chaz. TAVOn Guess who I saw shaking a pebble out her shoe on Santa Monica... Alyson Hannigan. STUNNED SILENCE. The reporters don't know how to react. chaz So, like, I'm sorry- A grocery store clerk with the same name? But spelled differently? Deadly serious, Tavon shakes his head "No." zarah (in awe) Alyson Hannigan... She has show. On television. SAX Not in re-runs or anything! EXCITED MURMURS. TRANSITION TO CHEESY GRAPHICS: A bunch of ROCKS crack a HEADSHOT of Alyson Hannigan. narrator (super nervous) Wow, a real famous person. I bet she's- she's rockin- That's so stupid. Ah, let's just watch it. STATIC. The clip cuts off. BACK TO NEWSROOM. Chaz hangs up the phone. chaz Sorry, guys, we can't show the clip. TMZ Orig' needs some filler to roll during their closing credits. Disappointed but understanding nods from the room. TRANSITION. CHAZ That stung, but we gotta keep trucking. What's out there? Give me the juicy. SAX (unsure) I had to use my telephoto, but I got the Key Grip from 27 Dresses. Sax hands Chaz some large photos. CHAZ Are you fucking kidding me? You can't even make his face out. That could be any key grip! The newsrooms is quiet and pensive. Then, MINDY bursts in. MINDY Guys! Sunset and Vine. Taylor. Lautner's. Orthodonist. (pause) -'s Assistant. The newsroom explodes with renewed enthusiasm. o.c. voice (laughing) I went to journalism school! END.