By Dan Gurewitch & Patrick Cassels
INT. OFFICE - DAYS INN PATRICK, STREETER & AMIR sit around talking. PATRICK (casually) He wakes up in the morning. Does his teeth, bite to eat and he's rolling. Never changes a thing. AMIR (also casually) The week ends, the week begins. DAN approaches, in a full SAILOR OUTFIT, holding a sack. DAN Friends! I've returned from my year-long voyage on the SS Matilda! STREETER So she was seaworthy after all. DAN Not in the slightest. But after she sank to the dark underbelly of the sea, I was saved by a mystical enchantress of the murky depths. And I fell in love. PATRICK Ooh la la! Who's the lucky girl? DAN Not just a girl... a mermaid! Dan gestures. PAN OVER to a FREAKISH BEAST: THE TOP HALF IS A FISH, THE BOTTOM HALF IS A WOMAN'S LEGS (midsection blurred). Everyone else is repulsed: yells, gags, etc. PATRICK My God, Dan. That's not a mermaid... that's a Maidmer. DAN What are you talking about? AMIR A Maidmer. You know, the legs of a beautiful maiden, and the torso of a motherfucking flounder. DAN I knew you wouldn't understand. STREETER What's there to understand? That thing is an abomination. DAN Shh. She'll hear you. If she has ears. Do fish have ears? (turning to the Maidmer) Honey, do you have ears? The Maidmer makes a horrific wet GURGLING SOUND. Everyone else recoils, disgusted. Dan laughs, turns to Maidmer. DAN Of course, how silly of me. PATRICK Dan, this isn't her world. You must return her to the ocean. AMIR (taking out a HARPOON) Yeah, or, or just kill her. Put her out of her fish-ass misery. DAN Put that away! STREETER She sounds like she's in pain... like she abhors walking the Earth as God's mistake. DAN RACIST! Streeter looks confused. The maidmer spits up a small chunk of seaweed slime on Dan's shoulder. AMIR What are you gonna do, buy a tank in the suburbs and wait for your children to hatch? From eggs? DAN I dunno, but we're sure gonna have fun finding out. Dan embraces the maidmer, sensually rubbing the side of his face on its gills. Everyone recoils again. DAN And regardless, how dare you stand there and judge me? You've never traversed the highs and lows of a... seafaring romance. On "seafaring," Dan turns his face away from the gills, revealing it's RASHED AND BLOODY. Everyone recoils: "AHH!" DAN Hey honey, let's sing the song we practiced! AMIR Why? DAN (starts singing) "Oh we ain't got a barrel of money..." MAIDMER [HORRIFIC TONELESS GURGLES] DAN & MAIDMER (Dan sings over MAIDMER'S HORRIBLE GURGLES) "But we'll travel along, singin' our song, Side By Side!" The others are speechless. PATRICK Even if we accept that your love with this horrendous creature is real... how are you going to have sex? DAN Easy. She has a vagina. PATRICK Oh yeah. You have my blessing! STREETER Uh, Dan? Streeter points to the Maidmer: it's on the ground, DEAD. DAN WHAT? BUT I-?! (suddenly very casual) Ooohhh, riighhhttt, luuuunngs. END.