Love is blind, fortunately.
By Dan Gurewitch & Patrick Cassels
INT. OFFICE - DAYS INN
PATRICK, STREETER & AMIR sit around talking.
He wakes up in the morning. Does
his teeth, bite to eat and he's
rolling. Never changes a thing.
The week ends, the week begins.
DAN approaches, in a full SAILOR OUTFIT, holding a sack.
Friends! I've returned from my
year-long voyage on the SS Matilda!
So she was seaworthy after all.
Not in the slightest. But after she
sank to the dark underbelly of the
sea, I was saved by a mystical
enchantress of the murky depths.
And I fell in love.
Ooh la la! Who's the lucky girl?
Not just a girl... a mermaid!
Dan gestures. PAN OVER to a FREAKISH BEAST: THE TOP HALF IS
A FISH, THE BOTTOM HALF IS A WOMAN'S LEGS (midsection
blurred). Everyone else is repulsed: yells, gags, etc.
My God, Dan. That's not a
mermaid... that's a Maidmer.
What are you talking about?
A Maidmer. You know, the legs of a
beautiful maiden, and the torso of
a motherfucking flounder.
I knew you wouldn't understand.
What's there to understand? That
thing is an abomination.
Shh. She'll hear you. If she has
ears. Do fish have ears?
(turning to the Maidmer)
Honey, do you have ears?
The Maidmer makes a horrific wet GURGLING SOUND. Everyone
else recoils, disgusted. Dan laughs, turns to Maidmer.
Of course, how silly of me.
Dan, this isn't her world. You must
return her to the ocean.
(taking out a HARPOON)
Yeah, or, or just kill her. Put her
out of her fish-ass misery.
Put that away!
She sounds like she's in pain...
like she abhors walking the Earth
as God's mistake.
Streeter looks confused. The maidmer spits up a small chunk
of seaweed slime on Dan's shoulder.
What are you gonna do, buy a tank
in the suburbs and wait for your
children to hatch? From eggs?
I dunno, but we're sure gonna have
fun finding out.
Dan embraces the maidmer, sensually rubbing the side
of his face on its gills. Everyone recoils again.
And regardless, how dare you stand
there and judge me? You've never
traversed the highs and lows of
a... seafaring romance.
On "seafaring," Dan turns his face away from the gills,
revealing it's RASHED AND BLOODY. Everyone recoils: "AHH!"
Hey honey, let's sing the song we
"Oh we ain't got a barrel of
[HORRIFIC TONELESS GURGLES]
DAN & MAIDMER
(Dan sings over MAIDMER'S
"But we'll travel along, singin'
our song, Side By Side!"
The others are speechless.
Even if we accept that your love
with this horrendous creature is
real... how are you going to have
Easy. She has a vagina.
Oh yeah. You have my blessing!
Streeter points to the Maidmer: it's on the ground, DEAD.
WHAT? BUT I-?!
(suddenly very casual)
Ooohhh, riighhhttt, luuuunngs.