By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. BEDROOM - DAY BODYGUARD wakes MARY-KATE up. BODYGUARD Oh Mary-Kate... MARY-KATE (half-asleep) What do you mean, Esty has no return policy? BODYGUARD You're dreaming. MARY-KATE Oh, phew. I have a knit swimming cap I need you to send back. BODYGUARD It's time to get up. MARY-KATE What time is it? BODYGUARD Wednesday. MARY-KATE When did I go to sleep? BODYGUARD December. Beat. MARY-KATE Wait a sec. How do I know that this isn't the dream and my dream isn't real life? Nice try, subconscious Bodyguard, but I've been asleep for a month, and it's time to get up. She hits the pillow. Bodyguard pinches her. MARY-KATE Ow! Fine. BODYGUARD Now how about a cup of coffee? Cut back to Mary-Kate. She's holding a Trenta-sized coffee. MARY-KATE 30 ounces ahead of you. BODYGUARD 30 ounces?! MARY-KATE Yeah, it's a Trenta! It's the Starbucks "extra-extra-large," or a movie theater's "small popcorn." BODYGUARD That can't be healthy. MARY-KATE Bodyguard, it's coffee. Native Americans were drinking it for hundreds of years. Native Americans like Has His With Foam and Runs With Biscotti. BODYGUARD How's history class going? MARY-KATE Great. Teacher's all like, "Here's some stuff I just made up," and I'm like, "Two can play at that game." BODYGUARD Well- wait, what is THAT? Cut back to Mary-Kate. She's holding an even larger cup of coffee. MARY-KATE Oh, this? It's the Cento. BODYGUARD As in a hundred ounces? MARY-KATE (jittery) You say that as if it's a bad thing. Isn't it great that our nation has such a rich supply of coffee resources? Someone needs to protect this reserve! I'm running for president. BODYGUARD I think you're having a coffee rush. MARY-KATE Coffee rush Rush Limbaugh bah humbug Uncle Scrooge money pit. Wait, if you're here, who's guarding my money pit? BODYGUARD Your money pit bull. MARY-KATE Is that a money comma pit bull or a money pit comma bull? BOD It's a dog. MARY-KATE Cute! BOD Oh my God. Cut back to Mary-Kate. She's holding an even larger cup of coffee. MARY-KATE Yup! Hello! This is the mille! BODYGUARD As in a thousand ounces? MARY-KATE As in, I can now see a thousand years into the future! You and I are both dead, but they just got Twitter in heaven! Jesus has the most followers. Then Shaq. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate, if you keep having this much coffee, you're going to crash. MARY-KATE Crash! With Sandra Bullock, who was in Loverboy with Kevin Bacon, who will be in Story of a Girl with Mary-Kate Olsen! I love playing three degrees of me. Give me hard one. BODY So that's over 1,500 ounces of coffee. I think that's enough for the day, don't you? MARY-KATE Yeah, maybe. Maybe, yeah. BODYGUARD How about a morning shower? Cut back to Mary-Kate. She is sitting in a human-sized cup of coffee. MARY-KATE No thanks, I'm taking a bath. END.