Very Mary-Kate: Trenta

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. BEDROOM - DAY

          BODYGUARD wakes MARY-KATE up.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Oh Mary-Kate...

                              MARY-KATE
                         (half-asleep)
                    What do you mean, Esty has no
                    return policy?

                              BODYGUARD
                    You're dreaming.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, phew.  I have a knit swimming
                    cap I need you to send back.

                              BODYGUARD
                    It's time to get up.

                              MARY-KATE
                    What time is it?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Wednesday.

                              MARY-KATE
                    When did I go to sleep?

                              BODYGUARD
                    December.

          Beat.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Wait a sec.  How do I know that
                    this isn't the dream and my dream
                    isn't real life?  Nice try,
                    subconscious Bodyguard, but I've
                    been asleep for a month, and it's
                    time to get up.

          She hits the pillow.  Bodyguard pinches her.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ow!  Fine.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Now how about a cup of coffee?

          Cut back to Mary-Kate.  She's holding a Trenta-sized coffee.

                              MARY-KATE
                    30 ounces ahead of you.

                              BODYGUARD
                    30 ounces?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, it's a Trenta!  It's the
                    Starbucks "extra-extra-large," or a
                    movie theater's "small popcorn."

                              BODYGUARD
                    That can't be healthy.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Bodyguard, it's coffee.  Native
                    Americans were drinking it for
                    hundreds of years.  Native
                    Americans like Has His With Foam
                    and Runs With Biscotti.

                              BODYGUARD
                    How's history class going?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Great.  Teacher's all like, "Here's
                    some stuff I just made up," and I'm
                    like, "Two can play at that game."

                              BODYGUARD
                    Well- wait, what is THAT?

          Cut back to Mary-Kate.  She's holding an even larger cup of
          coffee.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, this?  It's the Cento.

                              BODYGUARD
                    As in a hundred ounces?

                              MARY-KATE
                         (jittery)
                    You say that as if it's a bad
                    thing.  Isn't it great that our
                    nation has such a rich supply of
                    coffee resources?  Someone needs to
                    protect this reserve!  I'm running
                    for president.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I think you're having a coffee
                    rush.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Coffee rush Rush Limbaugh bah
                    humbug Uncle Scrooge money pit. 
                    Wait, if you're here, who's
                    guarding my money pit?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Your money pit bull.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Is that a money comma pit bull or a
                    money pit comma bull?

                              BOD
                    It's a dog.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Cute!

                              BOD
                    Oh my God.

          Cut back to Mary-Kate.  She's holding an even larger cup of
          coffee.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yup!  Hello!  This is the mille!

                              BODYGUARD
                    As in a thousand ounces?

                              MARY-KATE
                    As in,  I can now see a thousand
                    years into the future!  You and I
                    are both dead, but they just got
                    Twitter in heaven!  Jesus has the
                    most followers.  Then Shaq.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate, if you keep having this
                    much coffee, you're going to crash.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Crash!  With Sandra Bullock, who
                    was in Loverboy with Kevin Bacon,
                    who will be in Story of a Girl with
                    Mary-Kate Olsen!  I love playing
                    three degrees of me.  Give me hard
                    one.

                              BODY
                    So that's over 1,500 ounces of
                    coffee.  I think that's enough for
                    the day, don't you?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, maybe.  Maybe, yeah.

                              BODYGUARD
                    How about a morning shower?

          Cut back to Mary-Kate.  She is sitting in a human-sized cup
          of coffee.

                              MARY-KATE
                    No thanks, I'm taking a bath.

          END.