By Dan Gurewitch & David Young
INT. OFFICE - HUMPDAY DAN and DAVID are in workout clothes. Dan is doing sit-ups, while David holds his feet. Every time Dan gets to the top of the sit-up, he and David exchange a BRIEF SMOOCH. DAVID [Smooch] Four! [Smooch]! Five! [Smooch] Six! Come on, Dan! Over the rest, some CONFUSED REACTIONS from others: DAVID [Smooch] Seven! [Smooch] Eight! [Smooch] and... Nine! Great work! EMILY What are you doing? DAN Sit-ups. EMILY Yeah, but. At the top. You're- you're smooching David. At the top. DAN Really? Wow, crazy. You do things a certain way for so long, you develop some bad habits. Thanks, I'll keep it in mind. Dan does another sit-up: immediate SMOOCH. EMILY You did it again. DAN Are you sure? I don't feel myself doing it. EMILY Yeah, you're definitely doing it. David, you must know that's happening. DAVID Yeah I mean I guess it's not a "perfect" sit-up, like it's not "textbook," but, it's really good. DAN I guess- could you tell me when you see me screw up? EMILY You mean smooch. DAN Because I want to do them right. I don't want to hurt myself. Okay. Dan does more sit-ups, smooching David each time. EMILY (sit-up, smooch) Now. (sit-up, smooch) Now. (sit-up, smooch) Now. This time, Dan freezes, his mouth pressed against David's. DAN Hm. Right here. So I should be- EMILY You should be not smooching David. (crouching by Dan) Okay- I feel like he's the problem, so here, do one with me. I'll hold your feet. Just do a normal, regular sit-up. Emily takes David's place, holding Dan's feet. David sits off to the side. DAN Okay. Dan does a sit-up. At the last second, he TURNS TO THE SIDE and SMOOCHES DAVID. EMILY No more sit-ups! DAN (upset) Hey! I want to understand, but it's clear at this point that I don't, and you're yelling at me. And that's not constructive. It's destructive. EMILY I'm sorry. Just- why don't you try some push-ups? DAN (getting into position) Military, diamond, wide-arm, or- EMILY Normal. Just a normal push-up. DAN You got it. Dan bends his arms and descends towards the ground, where we REVEAL THAT DAVID IS LYING ON HIS BACK beneath him. Wide: Dan does a few push-ups, SMOOCHING David with every one. Emily just watches in disbelief. Smooch. Smooch. Smooch. EMILY That's it. Dan, come with me. David, you stay here. DON'T MOVE. CUT TO: Dan's about to do a pull-up. EMILY One pull-up. You got this. Dan pulls himself up, groaning with the effort. At the top of the pull-up, he SMOOCHES DAVID, whose head is somehow in frame at the top of the pull-up bar, UPSIDE-DOWN. EMILY HOW. DAN Look, maybe I'm not doing it like a professional Olympian- DAVID Yeah, he's not a professional Olympian. But the pull-up was really good. EMILY (furious) NO! NO! LISTEN! You- Emily's phone rings, and she looks at it. EMILY Oh my God. (picks up, mouth drops) Hello? ...Nate! (covers phone; turns to Dan and David) Hey, guys. It's my brother, he's in Afghanistan, I thought he was killed in action but it turns out he's alive. So all of this- (half-hearted gesture to them) -it's all sort of seeming very inconsequential to me now, in the grand scheme of things. Truthfully, I'm not sure why I thought it was my responsibility to repeatedly point out that you were doing something unusual. Uh, so I guess, just, register the fact that I don't really get what you're doing. But ultimately, if it makes you happy, more power to you. (back into phone, in tears) Nate, this is a miracle! END.