Hardly Working: Sit-ups

By

Dan Gurewitch & David Young

          INT. OFFICE - HUMPDAY

          DAN and DAVID are in workout clothes. Dan is doing sit-ups,
          while David holds his feet. Every time Dan gets to the top
          of the sit-up, he and David exchange a BRIEF SMOOCH.

                              DAVID
                    [Smooch] Four! [Smooch]! Five!
                    [Smooch] Six! Come on, Dan!

          Over the rest, some CONFUSED REACTIONS from others:

                              DAVID
                    [Smooch] Seven! [Smooch] Eight!
                    [Smooch] and... Nine! Great work!

                              EMILY
                    What are you doing?

                              DAN
                    Sit-ups.

                              EMILY
                    Yeah, but. At the top. You're-
                    you're smooching David. At the top.

                              DAN
                    Really? Wow, crazy. You do things a
                    certain way for so long, you
                    develop some bad habits. Thanks,
                    I'll keep it in mind.

          Dan does another sit-up: immediate SMOOCH.

                              EMILY
                    You did it again.

                              DAN
                    Are you sure? I don't feel myself
                    doing it.

                              EMILY
                    Yeah, you're definitely doing it.
                    David, you must know that's
                    happening.

                              DAVID
                    Yeah I mean I guess it's not a
                    "perfect" sit-up, like it's not
                    "textbook," but, it's really good.

                              DAN
                    I guess- could you tell me when you
                    see me screw up?

                              EMILY
                    You mean smooch.

                              DAN
                    Because I want to do them right. I
                    don't want to hurt myself. Okay.

          Dan does more sit-ups, smooching David each time.

                              EMILY
                         (sit-up, smooch)
                    Now.
                         (sit-up, smooch)
                    Now.
                         (sit-up, smooch)
                    Now.

          This time, Dan freezes, his mouth pressed against David's.

                              DAN
                    Hm. Right here. So I should be-

                              EMILY
                    You should be not smooching David.
                         (crouching by Dan)
                    Okay- I feel like he's the problem,
                    so here, do one with me. I'll hold
                    your feet. Just do a normal,
                    regular sit-up.

          Emily takes David's place, holding Dan's feet. David sits
          off to the side.

                              DAN
                    Okay.

          Dan does a sit-up. At the last second, he TURNS TO THE SIDE
          and SMOOCHES DAVID.

                              EMILY
                    No more sit-ups!

                              DAN
                         (upset)
                    Hey! I want to understand, but it's
                    clear at this point that I don't,
                    and you're yelling at me. And
                    that's not constructive. It's
                    destructive.

                              EMILY
                    I'm sorry. Just- why don't you try
                    some push-ups?

                              DAN
                         (getting into position)
                    Military, diamond, wide-arm, or-

                              EMILY
                    Normal. Just a normal push-up.

                              DAN
                    You got it.

          Dan bends his arms and descends towards the ground, where we
          REVEAL THAT DAVID IS LYING ON HIS BACK beneath him. Wide:
          Dan does a few push-ups, SMOOCHING David with every one.
          Emily just watches in disbelief. Smooch. Smooch. Smooch.

                              EMILY
                    That's it. Dan, come with me.
                    David, you stay here. DON'T MOVE.

          CUT TO:

          Dan's about to do a pull-up.

                              EMILY
                    One pull-up. You got this.

          Dan pulls himself up, groaning with the effort. At the top
          of the pull-up, he SMOOCHES DAVID, whose head is somehow in
          frame at the top of the pull-up bar, UPSIDE-DOWN.

                              EMILY
                    HOW.

                              DAN
                    Look, maybe I'm not doing it like a
                    professional Olympian-

                              DAVID
                    Yeah, he's not a professional
                    Olympian. But the pull-up was
                    really good.

                              EMILY
                         (furious)
                    NO! NO! LISTEN! You-

          Emily's phone rings, and she looks at it.

                              EMILY
                    Oh my God.
                         (picks up, mouth drops)
                    Hello? ...Nate!
                         (covers phone; turns to Dan
                         and David)
                    Hey, guys. It's my brother, he's in
                    Afghanistan, I thought he was
                    killed in action but it turns out
                    he's alive. So all of this-
                         (half-hearted gesture to them)
                    -it's all sort of seeming very
                    inconsequential to me now, in the
                    grand scheme of things. Truthfully,
                    I'm not sure why I thought it was
                    my responsibility to repeatedly
                    point out that you were doing
                    something unusual. Uh, so I guess,
                    just, register the fact that I
                    don't really get what you're doing.
                    But ultimately, if it makes you
                    happy, more power to you.
                         (back into phone, in tears)
                    Nate, this is a miracle!

          END.