Very Mary-Kate: Evil Dragon

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. BEDROOM - DAY

          Bodyguard knocks on the closet door.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate?

                              MARY-KATE (O.S.)
                    Go away!

                              BODYGUARD
                    What's the matter?

          Cut to Mary-Kate, inside the closet, huddled on the floor.

                              MARY-KATE  
                    What's the matter!?  I'm a bad
                    chef!

                              BODYGUARD
                    A bad chef?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'll give you the perfect for
                    insties.  How much cocaine powder
                    do you put in a hot coco zozoloft?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Cocaine powder?  Do you mean coco
                    powder?

                              MARY-KATE
                    YOU SEE?  I'M A BAD CHEF.
                         (beat, meekly)
                    Don't tell Zagat.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I won't tell Zagat.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Promise you won't tell Zagat!

                              BODYGUARD
                    You're not a restaurant.  It
                    doesn't matter if I tell Zagat.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I knew it.  You're going to tell
                    Zagat.  I'm going to get a bad
                    Zagat rating.  I can hear it now:
                    Mary-Kate's "restaurant" is not so
                    much a "restaurant" as it is her
                    "shivering," "scared," and "in a
                    closet."

                              BODYGUARD
                    Come out of there.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (suddenly suspicious)
                    Why?

                              BODYGUARD
                    So I can help you.

                              MARY-KATE
                    That sounds like something an evil
                    dragon would say.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Not this again.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Legend has it that Evil Dragon will
                    take the form of those closest to
                    you.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What legend?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Legend has it that he will deny the
                    legend.

                              BODYGUARD
                    There's no legend!

                              MARY-KATE
                    It is fulfilled!

                              BODYGUARD
                         (frustrated, but playing
                         along)
                    Oh, THAT legend.  Sure.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (thinks)
                    Very clever, Evil Dragon.  But you
                    have to get up pretty early in the
                    morning to catch me coming home
                    from a night of clubbing.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Ask me something that only I would
                    know.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Only you?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Only me.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hmm.
                         (beat)
                    Are there other evil dragons?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Not me as Evil Dragon, me as
                    Bodyguard.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Are there girl evil dragons?  Do
                    they get slutty human tattoos?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Here's something: you're
                    right-handed, but Ashley is
                    left-handed.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Everybody knows that.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You hate showers because it feels
                    like the water is shoving you.

                              MARY-KATE
                    That's true...

                              BODYGUARD
                    You love the smell of a newly
                    opened Sephora.  You call
                    unstretched limos "midgetmobiles." 
                    You're secretly in love with Elijah
                    Wood.

          The closet door slowly opens.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I can't believe he won't return my
                    prank calls.

          She hugs him.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, Bodyguard.  It feels so good to
                    be known.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Well, I've known you forever.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Not forever.  Just since I hired
                    you.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Well, legend has it, evil dragons
                    are with you from birth.

          She takes a step back.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Gulp.

          Bodyguard grows wings.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Dot com.

          Bodyguard breaths fire.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Slash AHHHH!

          INT. KITCHEN - DAY

          Bodyguard looks up from his crossword puzzle.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I should probably check on that.

          END.