By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. BEDROOM - DAY Bodyguard knocks on the closet door. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate? MARY-KATE (O.S.) Go away! BODYGUARD What's the matter? Cut to Mary-Kate, inside the closet, huddled on the floor. MARY-KATE What's the matter!? I'm a bad chef! BODYGUARD A bad chef? MARY-KATE I'll give you the perfect for insties. How much cocaine powder do you put in a hot coco zozoloft? BODYGUARD Cocaine powder? Do you mean coco powder? MARY-KATE YOU SEE? I'M A BAD CHEF. (beat, meekly) Don't tell Zagat. BODYGUARD I won't tell Zagat. MARY-KATE Promise you won't tell Zagat! BODYGUARD You're not a restaurant. It doesn't matter if I tell Zagat. MARY-KATE I knew it. You're going to tell Zagat. I'm going to get a bad Zagat rating. I can hear it now: Mary-Kate's "restaurant" is not so much a "restaurant" as it is her "shivering," "scared," and "in a closet." BODYGUARD Come out of there. MARY-KATE (suddenly suspicious) Why? BODYGUARD So I can help you. MARY-KATE That sounds like something an evil dragon would say. BODYGUARD Not this again. MARY-KATE Legend has it that Evil Dragon will take the form of those closest to you. BODYGUARD What legend?! MARY-KATE Legend has it that he will deny the legend. BODYGUARD There's no legend! MARY-KATE It is fulfilled! BODYGUARD (frustrated, but playing along) Oh, THAT legend. Sure. MARY-KATE (thinks) Very clever, Evil Dragon. But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me coming home from a night of clubbing. BODYGUARD Ask me something that only I would know. MARY-KATE Only you? BODYGUARD Only me. MARY-KATE Hmm. (beat) Are there other evil dragons? BODYGUARD Not me as Evil Dragon, me as Bodyguard. MARY-KATE Are there girl evil dragons? Do they get slutty human tattoos? BODYGUARD Here's something: you're right-handed, but Ashley is left-handed. MARY-KATE Everybody knows that. BODYGUARD You hate showers because it feels like the water is shoving you. MARY-KATE That's true... BODYGUARD You love the smell of a newly opened Sephora. You call unstretched limos "midgetmobiles." You're secretly in love with Elijah Wood. The closet door slowly opens. MARY-KATE I can't believe he won't return my prank calls. She hugs him. MARY-KATE Oh, Bodyguard. It feels so good to be known. BODYGUARD Well, I've known you forever. MARY-KATE Not forever. Just since I hired you. BODYGUARD Well, legend has it, evil dragons are with you from birth. She takes a step back. MARY-KATE Gulp. Bodyguard grows wings. MARY-KATE Dot com. Bodyguard breaths fire. MARY-KATE Slash AHHHH! INT. KITCHEN - DAY Bodyguard looks up from his crossword puzzle. BODYGUARD I should probably check on that. END.