It's always the bodyguard you least suspect.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Bodyguard knocks on the closet door.
What's the matter?
Cut to Mary-Kate, inside the closet, huddled on the floor.
What's the matter!? I'm a bad
A bad chef?
I'll give you the perfect for
insties. How much cocaine powder
do you put in a hot coco zozoloft?
Cocaine powder? Do you mean coco
YOU SEE? I'M A BAD CHEF.
Don't tell Zagat.
I won't tell Zagat.
Promise you won't tell Zagat!
You're not a restaurant. It
doesn't matter if I tell Zagat.
I knew it. You're going to tell
Zagat. I'm going to get a bad
Zagat rating. I can hear it now:
Mary-Kate's "restaurant" is not so
much a "restaurant" as it is her
"shivering," "scared," and "in a
Come out of there.
So I can help you.
That sounds like something an evil
dragon would say.
Not this again.
Legend has it that Evil Dragon will
take the form of those closest to
Legend has it that he will deny the
There's no legend!
It is fulfilled!
(frustrated, but playing
Oh, THAT legend. Sure.
Very clever, Evil Dragon. But you
have to get up pretty early in the
morning to catch me coming home
from a night of clubbing.
Ask me something that only I would
Are there other evil dragons?
Not me as Evil Dragon, me as
Are there girl evil dragons? Do
they get slutty human tattoos?
Here's something: you're
right-handed, but Ashley is
Everybody knows that.
You hate showers because it feels
like the water is shoving you.
You love the smell of a newly
opened Sephora. You call
unstretched limos "midgetmobiles."
You're secretly in love with Elijah
The closet door slowly opens.
I can't believe he won't return my
She hugs him.
Oh, Bodyguard. It feels so good to
Well, I've known you forever.
Not forever. Just since I hired
Well, legend has it, evil dragons
are with you from birth.
She takes a step back.
Bodyguard grows wings.
Bodyguard breaths fire.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Bodyguard looks up from his crossword puzzle.
I should probably check on that.