Student Loan STD's

By

Streeter Seidell & Jenny Jaffe

          EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

          A black & white montage of various shots of people in their
          20s looking sad.

          We then cut between shots of each person speaking directly
          to the camera.

                              PERSON 1
                    I got them when I was 18.

                              PERSON 2
                    I got them when I was 21.

                              PERSON 3
                    Student loans.

                              PERSON 1
                    Student loans.

                              PERSON 4
                    I contracted student loans at 19,
                    and I'm one of millions.

                              PERSON 2
                    Millions.

          A totally broke DUDE sadly opens his wallet in slow motion
          and peers inside. It's empty.

                              VOICEOVER
                    Almost half of all Americans
                    between the ages of 18 and 22 are
                    fiscally active. Many do not
                    understand the risk they are taking
                    when they contract a student loan.

                              PERSON 4
                    All of my friends were going to
                    college, I wanted to fit in. Now I
                    have a degree in comparative
                    philosophy, no job and a full blown
                    case of student loans.

          INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

          A COUPLE in a restaurant. The woman slides the check over to
          him.  He slides it back, sadly. She cries. 

                              VOICEOVER
                    Studies show that those infected
                    with student loan debt are less
                    likely to date regularly or have
                    bed frames.

          The same COUPLE enter the guy's apartment. It's pathetic.
          His mattress is on the floor. The girl look horrified.

          B-Roll of a couple getting married.

                              VOICEOVER
                    Even if not exposed to student loan
                    debt directly, they can be
                    transmitted by legal marriage. Talk
                    to your partner about their student
                    loan status before engaging in
                    matrimonial activity.

                              PERSON 1
                    I married the love of my life but
                    she didn't tell me about her
                    student loan debt. Now it's our
                    student loan debt.

          Quick B-roll of FRIENDS at a movie which quickly fades into
          B-roll of a guy watching YouTube videos alone.

                              VOICEOVER
                    It is possible to lead a healthy,
                    active, fulfilling life with
                    student loan debt. Just not for
                    very long.

                              PERSON 3
                    I used to like cereal. Then I
                    contracted student loan debt. Now
                    it's all I eat. I miss protein. 

          EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

          More shots of people peering sadly into deli windows,
          counting coins onto the counter at CVS, sadly strumming
          acoustic guitars while everyone walking by covers their
          ears, walking around Brooklyn, eating dollar pizza, flyering
          in Times Square, pawning their acoustic guitars.

                              VOICEOVER
                    Student loans only get worse with
                    time and can manifest in many ways:
                    studio apartments, having roommates
                    well into your thirties, Top Ramen,
                    and driving a car older than
                    yourself.

          The Couple are at an ACCOUNTANT's office.

                              VOICEOVER
                    If you have been exposed to student
                    loan debt, contact an accountant
                    today. There is no cure for student
                    loan debt, and there is no hope. 

          Back to shots of the original people interviewed.

                              PERSON 1
                    So have rich parents.

                              PERSON 2
                    Have rich parents.

                              PERSON 3
                    Have rich parents.

                              PERSON 4
                    Or play the lotto. Hey, you never
                    know!

                              NARRATOR
                         (very quickly)
                    Paid for by the New York State
                    Lottery.

          END.