From CH Staff on
Always use protection when you're screwing yourself.
By Streeter Seidell & Jenny Jaffe
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY A black & white montage of various shots of people in their 20s looking sad. We then cut between shots of each person speaking directly to the camera. PERSON 1 I got them when I was 18. PERSON 2 I got them when I was 21. PERSON 3 Student loans. PERSON 1 Student loans. PERSON 4 I contracted student loans at 19, and I'm one of millions. PERSON 2 Millions. A totally broke DUDE sadly opens his wallet in slow motion and peers inside. It's empty. VOICEOVER Almost half of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 22 are fiscally active. Many do not understand the risk they are taking when they contract a student loan. PERSON 4 All of my friends were going to college, I wanted to fit in. Now I have a degree in comparative philosophy, no job and a full blown case of student loans. INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT A COUPLE in a restaurant. The woman slides the check over to him. He slides it back, sadly. She cries. VOICEOVER Studies show that those infected with student loan debt are less likely to date regularly or have bed frames. The same COUPLE enter the guy's apartment. It's pathetic. His mattress is on the floor. The girl look horrified. B-Roll of a couple getting married. VOICEOVER Even if not exposed to student loan debt directly, they can be transmitted by legal marriage. Talk to your partner about their student loan status before engaging in matrimonial activity. PERSON 1 I married the love of my life but she didn't tell me about her student loan debt. Now it's our student loan debt. Quick B-roll of FRIENDS at a movie which quickly fades into B-roll of a guy watching YouTube videos alone. VOICEOVER It is possible to lead a healthy, active, fulfilling life with student loan debt. Just not for very long. PERSON 3 I used to like cereal. Then I contracted student loan debt. Now it's all I eat. I miss protein. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY More shots of people peering sadly into deli windows, counting coins onto the counter at CVS, sadly strumming acoustic guitars while everyone walking by covers their ears, walking around Brooklyn, eating dollar pizza, flyering in Times Square, pawning their acoustic guitars. VOICEOVER Student loans only get worse with time and can manifest in many ways: studio apartments, having roommates well into your thirties, Top Ramen, and driving a car older than yourself. The Couple are at an ACCOUNTANT's office. VOICEOVER If you have been exposed to student loan debt, contact an accountant today. There is no cure for student loan debt, and there is no hope. Back to shots of the original people interviewed. PERSON 1 So have rich parents. PERSON 2 Have rich parents. PERSON 3 Have rich parents. PERSON 4 Or play the lotto. Hey, you never know! NARRATOR (very quickly) Paid for by the New York State Lottery. END.