By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. BODYGUARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT There is a knock at the door. Bodyguard answers it. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate. It's only 10. And you knocked. You never knock. MARY-KATE Bodyguard, I've been thinking. We should get out more. Meet more people. Let's start with my new friend, Officer McCarthy. The door opens wider, revealing a police officer. OFFICER Howdy. MARY-KATE You guys are gonna be best friends. I'll leave you to it. OFFICER Hold on there young lady. MARY-KATE (lashing out) I hate you! I hate you! Bodyguard, I lied! He's a bad friend! Don't make plans! NO BRUNCH! NO BURNCH! BODYGUARD Is there a problem, officer? That's just a formality, I know there's a problem. OFFICER Littering. BODYGUARD That's it? I mean... well, great. OFFICER I caught her writing checks and throwing them into a water fountain. MARY-KATE I had big wishes and no cash! OFFICER Well, it's illegal. MARY-KATE You know, the legal system in this country is for shame. We need reform! Who's coming with me, no one, well see you guys later. OFFICER Get back here. MARY-KATE Pig. OFFICER WHAT?! MARY-KATE P-I... (losing courage) ...T-T-Y me please. (beat) Oinky. OFFICER Oinky?! MARY-KATE What's the - how can you even take offense to that? What is that word? What does it mean? I just made it up. (whispers) It means pig. BODYGUARD You can't hold her for littering. OFFICER That's not all I'm holding her for. Possession of drugs. MARY-KATE I have prescriptions for some of those... somewhere... OFFICER Indecent exposure. MARY-KATE How is this a thing? I barely have breasts! OFFICER Assaulting an officer. MARY-KATE (shocked) I did NOT. She slaps him. MARY-KATE Wait... wait, I did. Sorry. I take it back. She back-slaps him. OFFICER Yeah, I'm going to have to bring her in. Mary-Kate pulls out her checkbook. MARY-KATE What if I wished really hard that you didn't? OFFICER Is that a bribe? BODYGUARD It's not. OFFICER It sounds like a bribe. MARY-KATE Is there an amount of wishing that would make it not a bribe? BODYGUARD Mary-Kate, stop. MARY-KATE I will stop. For a thousand dollars. BODYGUARD Fine. MARY-KATE Great. You can deposit that right to my piggy bank. OFFICER That's it. You're under arrest. MARY-KATE You'll have to catch me first! The officer grabs her immediately. She sighs. MARY-KATE Best out of three? The officer drags her away. MARY-KATE (panicking) Bodyguard? Scared.com! Scared.com slash jail! END.