Very Mary-Kate: Mug Shot

By

Sam Reich & Elaine Carroll

          INT. JAIL - DAY

          MICHAEL, a photographer, and VINCE, a camera operator,
          prepare to take mug shots in front of a height chart.

                              MICHAEL
                    Thanks for hooking this up.  I
                    can't believe Vogue laid me off.

                              VINCE
                    Print is a dying medium, man.

                              MICHAEL
                    Where'd you hear that?

                              VINCE
                    Wired.

          MARY-KATE enters, looking like hell.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Please, please, no photos.  This is
                    why there's Google Image Search.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Oh crap.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Wait, I know you.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    No you don't.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah I do.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    No you don't.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah...

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    No.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Well, just so you know, you have a
                    twin.  And he is an asshole.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                         (swallowing his pride)
                    Okay, this is standard procedure. 
                    I just have to take down your
                    height.
                         (he writes)
                    5'2".

                              MARY-KATE
                    Nuh-uh.  I'm wearing heels.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Can you take off your heels please?

          She steps down.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    5'1".

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm still wearing my shoes, just
                    not my heels.  They're disposable
                    heels.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Take off your shoes, please.

          She steps down.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    4'11".

                              MARY-KATE
                    Also, my socks have heels.  They're
                    socklettos.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    No socks.

          She steps down.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    4'10".

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm standing on my tippy toes.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Why?

                              MARY-KATE
                    My feet are stuck this way!  I
                    haven't not worn heels since I was
                    eleven.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Would you just- would you try?

                              MARY-KATE
                         (flattening her feet)
                    Ehhhh.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    4'9".

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm sure my hat adds a few inches.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Lost the hat.

          She takes it off.  There's a high heel on her head.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Why is there a heel on your head?

                              MARY-KATE
                    It's a spare!  God forbid I break
                    down in the middle of Noho.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Take it off.

          She does.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    4'7".

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm standing on my purse.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                         (exasperated)
                    Why are you standing on your purse?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Um, because I'm in a jail.  I'm
                    surrounded by criminals.  I don't
                    want anyone stealing it.  Any my
                    feet are cold.  I'm killing two
                    Ravens with one Simone!

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    STEP OFF THE PURSE.

          She does, but miraculously gains two inches.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    4'9" - wait, how did you grow?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ooops.  I accidentally stepped back
                    into my heels.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    Here's an idea: put your high heels
                    and your socks with heels and your
                    hat with heels in your bag with
                    heels and give it to me.

          She does.

                              MARY
                    Are we done yet?  I'm really tired.

          As the photographer goes through the below numbers, Mary-Kate
          drifts to sleep.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    4'6", 4'5", 4'3", 3'5"-

          She falls to the ground, snoozing.

                              PHOTOGRAPHER
                    One foot.  You're one foot tall. 
                    Get out of here.

          A shot of Mary-Kate on the ground.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (sleepy)
                    Wait.  Wait.  Profile.

          She turns profile, snuggling in to sleep.

          END.