By Sam Reich & Elaine Carroll
INT. JAIL - DAY MICHAEL, a photographer, and VINCE, a camera operator, prepare to take mug shots in front of a height chart. MICHAEL Thanks for hooking this up. I can't believe Vogue laid me off. VINCE Print is a dying medium, man. MICHAEL Where'd you hear that? VINCE Wired. MARY-KATE enters, looking like hell. MARY-KATE Please, please, no photos. This is why there's Google Image Search. PHOTOGRAPHER Oh crap. MARY-KATE Wait, I know you. PHOTOGRAPHER No you don't. MARY-KATE Yeah I do. PHOTOGRAPHER No you don't. MARY-KATE Yeah... PHOTOGRAPHER No. MARY-KATE Well, just so you know, you have a twin. And he is an asshole. PHOTOGRAPHER (swallowing his pride) Okay, this is standard procedure. I just have to take down your height. (he writes) 5'2". MARY-KATE Nuh-uh. I'm wearing heels. PHOTOGRAPHER Can you take off your heels please? She steps down. PHOTOGRAPHER 5'1". MARY-KATE I'm still wearing my shoes, just not my heels. They're disposable heels. PHOTOGRAPHER Take off your shoes, please. She steps down. PHOTOGRAPHER 4'11". MARY-KATE Also, my socks have heels. They're socklettos. PHOTOGRAPHER No socks. She steps down. PHOTOGRAPHER 4'10". MARY-KATE I'm standing on my tippy toes. PHOTOGRAPHER Why? MARY-KATE My feet are stuck this way! I haven't not worn heels since I was eleven. PHOTOGRAPHER Would you just- would you try? MARY-KATE (flattening her feet) Ehhhh. PHOTOGRAPHER 4'9". MARY-KATE I'm sure my hat adds a few inches. PHOTOGRAPHER Lost the hat. She takes it off. There's a high heel on her head. PHOTOGRAPHER Why is there a heel on your head? MARY-KATE It's a spare! God forbid I break down in the middle of Noho. PHOTOGRAPHER Take it off. She does. PHOTOGRAPHER 4'7". MARY-KATE I'm standing on my purse. PHOTOGRAPHER (exasperated) Why are you standing on your purse? MARY-KATE Um, because I'm in a jail. I'm surrounded by criminals. I don't want anyone stealing it. Any my feet are cold. I'm killing two Ravens with one Simone! PHOTOGRAPHER STEP OFF THE PURSE. She does, but miraculously gains two inches. PHOTOGRAPHER 4'9" - wait, how did you grow? MARY-KATE Ooops. I accidentally stepped back into my heels. PHOTOGRAPHER Here's an idea: put your high heels and your socks with heels and your hat with heels in your bag with heels and give it to me. She does. MARY Are we done yet? I'm really tired. As the photographer goes through the below numbers, Mary-Kate drifts to sleep. PHOTOGRAPHER 4'6", 4'5", 4'3", 3'5"- She falls to the ground, snoozing. PHOTOGRAPHER One foot. You're one foot tall. Get out of here. A shot of Mary-Kate on the ground. MARY-KATE (sleepy) Wait. Wait. Profile. She turns profile, snuggling in to sleep. END.