Official Spoiler Rules

By

David Young & Ben Joseph 

          INT./EXT. VARIOUS

          In a quick MONTAGE, the ACTORS who will be appearing in the
          piece address camera:

                              ANDRE ROYO
                    We're glad you watch our shows- 

                              [ACTOR]
                    -and we're even happier you enjoy
                    talking about them.

                              [ACTOR]
                    But in this era of DVR, DVD, and
                    the Internet, not everybody's
                    watching at the same time.

                              [ACTOR]
                    And that's led to many friends,
                    family members, even co-workers
                    fighting over spoilers.

                              [ACTOR]
                    Spoilers.

                              ANDRE ROYO
                    Spoilers.

                              [ACTOR]
                    Spoilers.

                              [ACTOR]
                    We want to stop spoiler fights once
                    and for all.

                              ANDRE ROYO
                    That's why we're here to establish
                    official spoiler etiquette.

          LOWER THIRD: SPOILER ETIQUETTE, Rev. 2011

          CUT TO:

          [ACTOR] addresses camera. A LOWER THIRD identifies all
          actors by their NAME and SPOILER TITLE. (I.e., MICHAEL
          EMERSON, LOST SPOILER, S2E14)

                              [ACTOR]
                    Spoilers cease being spoilers two
                    weeks after a standard episode, two
                    months after a season finale, and
                    one year after a series finale.

          CUT TO:

          Two GUYS discuss a show near Andre.

                              ANDRE ROYO
                    When recommending television,
                    general enthusiasm is permitted.

                              GUY 1
                    Dude! I can't believe you haven't
                    watched The Wire! It was great!

                              ANDRE ROYO
                    Pointed enthusiasm, however, is
                    strictly forbidden.

                              GUY 2
                    You won't believe what Omar does in
                    the season three finale.

          A negative BUZZ at this spoiler. OVERLAY: SPOILER!

          CUT TO:

          Two GIRLS discuss a show near [ACTOR].

                              [ACTOR]
                    Spoilers spoken in pig Latin,
                    gibberish, or French will still be
                    considered spoilers.

                              GIRL 1
                    I can't believe Im-jay ied-day!

           BUZZ. OVERLAY: SPOILER!

                              [ACTOR]
                    Mandarin is OK.

                              GIRL 2
                         (sub-titled, in Mandarin)
                    

          A pleasant DING!

          CUT TO:

                              [ACTOR]
                    In conversation, if the up to date
                    viewers are in the majority, they
                    may ask behind viewers to leave.

          REVEAL: Near [ACTOR], two UP-TO-DATE VIEWERS face off
          against two BEHIND VIEWERS.

                              [ACTOR]
                    If the groups are equal, they must
                    ro-sham-bo for dominance. 

          Two of the viewers face off in rock-paper-scissors.

                              [ACTOR]
                    If the first two rounds end in a
                    tie, the groups must engage in a
                    last man standing knife fight.

          The viewers whip out knifes and go at each other.

          CUT TO:

          MAN and WOMAN eye each other cautiously near [ACTOR].

                              [ACTOR]
                    During the 24 hours after a show
                    airs - aka the "Red Zone" - both
                    up-to-date and behind parties agree
                    to be especially vigilant in
                    avoiding spoilers.

          The two start to say something to each other, then give up
          and exit in opposite directions.

          CUT TO:

          [ACTOR] stands next to a YOUNG MAN.

                              [ACTOR]
                    Any sentence prefaced with any
                    variation on the following phrase-

                              YOUNG MAN
                    Don't worry, cause this isn't
                    really a spoiler-

                              [ACTOR]
                    -will not only be automatically
                    deemed a spoiler, but the person
                    uttering said phrase is not allowed
                    to speak for the next 45 minutes.

          Young man opens his mouth to say something.

                              [ACTOR]
                         (stopping him)
                    Ah ah ah!
                         (points)
                    Now go sit on the stool.

          He sadly sits on a previously unseen STOOL.

          CUT TO:

          A GIRL types on a IPAD near [ACTOR].

                              [ACTOR]
                    Viewers shall seek out information
                    online at their own risk. A spoiler
                    alert is considerate, but should by
                    no means be expected.

                              GIRL 
                         (re: computer)
                    Ah, crap! Seriously?
                         (defensive)
                    I just wanted his dog's name!

                              [ACTOR]
                         (to her, not looking)
                    It's your own damn fault, Chelsea.
                    

          CUT TO:

          MAN 1 chews out MAN 2.

                              MAN 1
                    I can't believe it! You just ruined
                    all of the Walking Dead for me!

          WIDE reveals [ACTOR].

                              [ACTOR]
                    If, in spite of all these rules, an
                    up-to-date viewer spoils a show for
                    you, you may spoil something for
                    them in return.

                              MAN
                         (smug)
                    Your wife's pregnant!

                              MAN 2
                    What?

                              [ACTOR]
                         (uncomfortable)
                    Revenge spoilers shall be limited
                    to the medium of the original
                    spoiler.
                         (subdued, to Man 2)
                    But, uh, congratulations.

          CUT TO:

                              [ACTOR]
                    So please. Follow these simple
                    rules, and we can all finally stop
                    fighting over spoilers.

          A MAN from one of the earlier scenes enter.

                              MAN
                    I'm sorry, are you [actor]? I just
                    LOVED your work on [show]. I mean,
                    I can't believe you di--

          [ACTOR] plugs their ears.

                              [ACTOR]
                    Ah ah ah! I haven't seen it yet!

          END.