The stars of your favorite TV shows teach you how not to ruin them for your friends.
By David Young & Ben Joseph
INT./EXT. VARIOUS In a quick MONTAGE, the ACTORS who will be appearing in the piece address camera: ANDRE ROYO We're glad you watch our shows- [ACTOR] -and we're even happier you enjoy talking about them. [ACTOR] But in this era of DVR, DVD, and the Internet, not everybody's watching at the same time. [ACTOR] And that's led to many friends, family members, even co-workers fighting over spoilers. [ACTOR] Spoilers. ANDRE ROYO Spoilers. [ACTOR] Spoilers. [ACTOR] We want to stop spoiler fights once and for all. ANDRE ROYO That's why we're here to establish official spoiler etiquette. LOWER THIRD: SPOILER ETIQUETTE, Rev. 2011 CUT TO: [ACTOR] addresses camera. A LOWER THIRD identifies all actors by their NAME and SPOILER TITLE. (I.e., MICHAEL EMERSON, LOST SPOILER, S2E14) [ACTOR] Spoilers cease being spoilers two weeks after a standard episode, two months after a season finale, and one year after a series finale. CUT TO: Two GUYS discuss a show near Andre. ANDRE ROYO When recommending television, general enthusiasm is permitted. GUY 1 Dude! I can't believe you haven't watched The Wire! It was great! ANDRE ROYO Pointed enthusiasm, however, is strictly forbidden. GUY 2 You won't believe what Omar does in the season three finale. A negative BUZZ at this spoiler. OVERLAY: SPOILER! CUT TO: Two GIRLS discuss a show near [ACTOR]. [ACTOR] Spoilers spoken in pig Latin, gibberish, or French will still be considered spoilers. GIRL 1 I can't believe Im-jay ied-day! BUZZ. OVERLAY: SPOILER! [ACTOR] Mandarin is OK. GIRL 2 (sub-titled, in Mandarin) A pleasant DING! CUT TO: [ACTOR] In conversation, if the up to date viewers are in the majority, they may ask behind viewers to leave. REVEAL: Near [ACTOR], two UP-TO-DATE VIEWERS face off against two BEHIND VIEWERS. [ACTOR] If the groups are equal, they must ro-sham-bo for dominance. Two of the viewers face off in rock-paper-scissors. [ACTOR] If the first two rounds end in a tie, the groups must engage in a last man standing knife fight. The viewers whip out knifes and go at each other. CUT TO: MAN and WOMAN eye each other cautiously near [ACTOR]. [ACTOR] During the 24 hours after a show airs - aka the "Red Zone" - both up-to-date and behind parties agree to be especially vigilant in avoiding spoilers. The two start to say something to each other, then give up and exit in opposite directions. CUT TO: [ACTOR] stands next to a YOUNG MAN. [ACTOR] Any sentence prefaced with any variation on the following phrase- YOUNG MAN Don't worry, cause this isn't really a spoiler- [ACTOR] -will not only be automatically deemed a spoiler, but the person uttering said phrase is not allowed to speak for the next 45 minutes. Young man opens his mouth to say something. [ACTOR] (stopping him) Ah ah ah! (points) Now go sit on the stool. He sadly sits on a previously unseen STOOL. CUT TO: A GIRL types on a IPAD near [ACTOR]. [ACTOR] Viewers shall seek out information online at their own risk. A spoiler alert is considerate, but should by no means be expected. GIRL (re: computer) Ah, crap! Seriously? (defensive) I just wanted his dog's name! [ACTOR] (to her, not looking) It's your own damn fault, Chelsea. CUT TO: MAN 1 chews out MAN 2. MAN 1 I can't believe it! You just ruined all of the Walking Dead for me! WIDE reveals [ACTOR]. [ACTOR] If, in spite of all these rules, an up-to-date viewer spoils a show for you, you may spoil something for them in return. MAN (smug) Your wife's pregnant! MAN 2 What? [ACTOR] (uncomfortable) Revenge spoilers shall be limited to the medium of the original spoiler. (subdued, to Man 2) But, uh, congratulations. CUT TO: [ACTOR] So please. Follow these simple rules, and we can all finally stop fighting over spoilers. A MAN from one of the earlier scenes enter. MAN I'm sorry, are you [actor]? I just LOVED your work on [show]. I mean, I can't believe you di-- [ACTOR] plugs their ears. [ACTOR] Ah ah ah! I haven't seen it yet! END.