A leaked North Korean cartoon presenting the totally true triumphs of the totally not pudgy Great Leader.
By Ben Joseph
A CATCHY THEME SONG PLAYS under a series of ILLUSTRATED
STILLS. Every time they're sung, the words KIM JONG UN
appear in huge letters on-screen.
NOTE: Kim Jong UN does not speak or change facial
expressions for the entire show.
- Kim Jong Un wears a CAPE and holding a FLAMING SWORD.
The Adventures of Kim Jong Un!
- Kim Jong Un holds a baby Kim Jong Un (identical to his
adult self, just smaller) out over an adoring crowd.
- Kim Jong Un surfs on a rainbow.
Written and directed by Kim Jong
- Kim Jong Un runs from a HUGE CROWD of adoring fans, a la
the Beatles in Hard Day's Night.
Made by animators who voluntarily
left their families and refused
payment due to their love of-
Kim Jong Un!
QUICK IMAGES of King Jon Un fighting monsters, doing a
hand-stand, etc. and a quick card that clearly says "PLEASE
COME SAVE US."
INT. KIM JONG UN'S PALACE
Kim Jong Un stares out the window as a robot MINISTER talks.
Your show is the most popular show!
Everybody loves it! There is only
one thing wrong, oh glorious
stallion of liberty...
Kim Jong Un turns around. The minister swallows.
...the Internet continues to spread
lies about you, Supreme leader.
They are jealous of your power,
good looks, and dancing abilities.
Kim Jong Un looks out the window. His eyes narrow.
Kim Jong Un transforms into a JET. The jet jumps on a HORSE
WITH WINGS. The HORSE WITH WINGS stands on a flying carpet.
The carpet sprouts rocket boosters and they fly away.
EXT. NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Un flies over a GOLDEN PARADISE. Well-dressed,
prosperous CITIZENS wave at him.
A TERRIBLE WASTELAND. Two caricatures of OBAMA and BRUCE
WILLIS stand next to a VERY HIGH WALL.
We need to make the wall higher,
Bruce Willis, people are still
trying to escape to North Korea!
They spot Kim Jong Un, now a person again, on his
Look! Our most handsomest enemy!
Bruce Willis raises a RIFLE. He tries to shoot, but the
rifle goes limp.
I'm sorry, Obama, I can't. He's too
You're right. Also, he's probably
He is! It's true!
INT. DARK BASEMENT
An UGLY, ACNE SCARRED INTERNET USER sits at a computer.
Oh great irony! I make fun of Kim
Jong Un's body while I am the
morbidly obese one!
(shaking his fists)
Top doctors say his weight is ideal
for his height and build!
The door to the basement bursts open. Glorious golden light
shines in. It's KIM JONG UN.
Ah! I defecate myself in fear!
Kim Jong Un pulls out a sword. A LIGHTSABER extends from the
top of it. He and the user begin an epic sword fight.
You fight with the strength of one
with many real friends who always
laugh at your jokes!
Kim Jong Un backs up and start to MOONWALK.
His moonwalking is... Too...
Good... Such a talented...
His guard down, Kim Jong Un stabs the user with his sword.
He dies and melts into a pile of slush. A BLONDE WOMAN runs
out to hug Kim Jong Un.
American actress Veronica Mars!
The Internet was holding me
prisoner. You saved me, Kim Jong
Un! And my lady squirrel friend!
A SEXY ANTHROPOMORPHIC SQUIRREL enters.
We're both your girlfriends now and
want to kiss you.
Without anybody telling us to!
The both kiss his cheeks. Kim Jong Un looks up to the sky.
The CLOUDS PART and a ghostly KIM JONG IL stares down.
KIM JONG IL
(lips not moving)
I love you son.
A SINGLE TEAR comes from Kim Jong Un's eye. He nods, then
suddenly throws a NUCLEAR MISSILE, blowing up Kim Jong Il.
KIM JONG UN
I am the one true ruler now.
CREDITS ROLL. All names are KIM JONG UN.