A leaked North Korean cartoon presenting the totally true triumphs of the totally not pudgy Great Leader.
By Ben Joseph
A CATCHY THEME SONG PLAYS under a series of ILLUSTRATED STILLS. Every time they're sung, the words KIM JONG UN appear in huge letters on-screen. NOTE: Kim Jong UN does not speak or change facial expressions for the entire show. - Kim Jong Un wears a CAPE and holding a FLAMING SWORD. SINGER The Adventures of Kim Jong Un! - Kim Jong Un holds a baby Kim Jong Un (identical to his adult self, just smaller) out over an adoring crowd. - Kim Jong Un surfs on a rainbow. SINGER Written and directed by Kim Jong Un! - Kim Jong Un runs from a HUGE CROWD of adoring fans, a la the Beatles in Hard Day's Night. SINGER (super quick) Made by animators who voluntarily left their families and refused payment due to their love of- (normal speed) Kim Jong Un! QUICK IMAGES of King Jon Un fighting monsters, doing a hand-stand, etc. and a quick card that clearly says "PLEASE COME SAVE US." INT. KIM JONG UN'S PALACE Kim Jong Un stares out the window as a robot MINISTER talks. MINISTER (robot voice) Your show is the most popular show! Everybody loves it! There is only one thing wrong, oh glorious stallion of liberty... Kim Jong Un turns around. The minister swallows. MINISTER ...the Internet continues to spread lies about you, Supreme leader. They are jealous of your power, good looks, and dancing abilities. Kim Jong Un looks out the window. His eyes narrow. Kim Jong Un transforms into a JET. The jet jumps on a HORSE WITH WINGS. The HORSE WITH WINGS stands on a flying carpet. The carpet sprouts rocket boosters and they fly away. EXT. NORTH KOREA Kim Jong Un flies over a GOLDEN PARADISE. Well-dressed, prosperous CITIZENS wave at him. CITIZENS Spontaneous cheering! EXT. AMERICA A TERRIBLE WASTELAND. Two caricatures of OBAMA and BRUCE WILLIS stand next to a VERY HIGH WALL. OBAMA We need to make the wall higher, Bruce Willis, people are still trying to escape to North Korea! They spot Kim Jong Un, now a person again, on his horse/carpet combo. OBAMA Look! Our most handsomest enemy! Stop him! Bruce Willis raises a RIFLE. He tries to shoot, but the rifle goes limp. BRUCE WILLIS I'm sorry, Obama, I can't. He's too magnificent. OBAMA You're right. Also, he's probably bulletproof. FLYING HORSE He is! It's true! INT. DARK BASEMENT An UGLY, ACNE SCARRED INTERNET USER sits at a computer. INTERNET USER Oh great irony! I make fun of Kim Jong Un's body while I am the morbidly obese one! (shaking his fists) Top doctors say his weight is ideal for his height and build! The door to the basement bursts open. Glorious golden light shines in. It's KIM JONG UN. INTERNET USER Ah! I defecate myself in fear! Kim Jong Un pulls out a sword. A LIGHTSABER extends from the top of it. He and the user begin an epic sword fight. INTERNET USER You fight with the strength of one with many real friends who always laugh at your jokes! Kim Jong Un backs up and start to MOONWALK. INTERNET USER His moonwalking is... Too... Good... Such a talented... Dancer... His guard down, Kim Jong Un stabs the user with his sword. INTERNET USER (weakly) Thank you. He dies and melts into a pile of slush. A BLONDE WOMAN runs out to hug Kim Jong Un. FLYING CARPET American actress Veronica Mars! VERONICA MARS The Internet was holding me prisoner. You saved me, Kim Jong Un! And my lady squirrel friend! A SEXY ANTHROPOMORPHIC SQUIRREL enters. LADY SQUIRREL We're both your girlfriends now and want to kiss you. VERONICA MARS Without anybody telling us to! The both kiss his cheeks. Kim Jong Un looks up to the sky. The CLOUDS PART and a ghostly KIM JONG IL stares down. KIM JONG IL (lips not moving) I love you son. A SINGLE TEAR comes from Kim Jong Un's eye. He nods, then suddenly throws a NUCLEAR MISSILE, blowing up Kim Jong Il. KIM JONG UN I am the one true ruler now. CREDITS ROLL. All names are KIM JONG UN. END.