Mary-Kate loves shiny appliances! And by that she means sweaty laborers.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CONDO - DAY
MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are at the kitchen counter.
-limoncello is ready.
Ew, this glass is dirty!
She pushes the glass away.
The new dishwasher isn't working.
Ted? You hired him yesterday.
I knooow. It's so hard finding
good human-appliance help these
Can you fix it?
If by "fix it," you mean "fire
him," then yes, I'll "fix it."
Also, the coffeemaker is making
That's Spanish. He speaks Spanish.
The foreign models are always so
We have names, you know. Like, my
name isn't Bodyguard, it's-
Ah, ah, ah. If I learn your name,
then I have to learn everyone's
name. And that's not gonna
In that case, you should know that
the water heater and the water
cooler are having a baby.
Oooh, what are they naming it?
Like luke warm water?
Oh, right, people.
You should get them a gift.
Hmm. How about a dishwasher?
What else... Ashley wants to know
if she can borrow your
Not until she returns my
So it's a hostage situation.
Don't get the hostage negotiator
involved in this. She's so shrill.
Also, I can't find your phone
He's on vacation in Napal.
Did he tell you about it?
No, but I have a tracking device
installed on his phone, so... so
long as the phone charger brings
his phone charger...
Finally: Christmas was months ago,
but we still have the nutcracker.
Why did we hire a nutcracker? Nuts
No, the ballet. They've been doing
two performances a day since
God, it's like we're throwing away
That reminds me: the trash
compactor is making over a million
No, I think her paycheck was
missing a decimal point.
All of this is sooo confusing. We
should just fire everyone and get
Want the driver to drive you to the
Actually, could you do it? The
drive-o-matic 3000 has been glitchy
and running over things, people.
You know, you're more than just a
bodyguard to me. You're my best
Can I call you Best-
The coffeemaker, Juan, enters with a coffee maker, speaking
I heard that there was a problem
with the coffee maker?
(hands over ears)
Make it stop!