Mary-Kate loves shiny appliances! And by that she means sweaty laborers.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CONDO - DAY MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are at the kitchen counter. BODYGUARD You're pineapple-laxative-vanilla-Adderall -limoncello is ready. MARY-KATE Ew, this glass is dirty! She pushes the glass away. MARY-KATE (CONT.) The new dishwasher isn't working. BODYGUARD Ted? You hired him yesterday. MARY-KATE I knooow. It's so hard finding good human-appliance help these days. ("pleeease") Can you fix it? BODYGUARD If by "fix it," you mean "fire him," then yes, I'll "fix it." MARY-KATE Also, the coffeemaker is making weird noises. BODYGUARD That's Spanish. He speaks Spanish. MARY-KATE The foreign models are always so complicated. BODYGUARD We have names, you know. Like, my name isn't Bodyguard, it's- MARY-KATE Ah, ah, ah. If I learn your name, then I have to learn everyone's name. And that's not gonna hapsies. BODYGUARD In that case, you should know that the water heater and the water cooler are having a baby. MARY-KATE Oooh, what are they naming it? BODYGUARD Luke. MARY-KATE Like luke warm water? BODYGUARD No, Berkowitz. MARY-KATE Oh, right, people. BODYGUARD You should get them a gift. MARY-KATE Hmm. How about a dishwasher? BODYGUARD Ted? MARY-KATE That'll work. BODYGUARD What else... Ashley wants to know if she can borrow your hair-straightener. MARY-KATE Not until she returns my hair-curler. BODYGUARD So it's a hostage situation. MARY-KATE Don't get the hostage negotiator involved in this. She's so shrill. BODYGUARD Also, I can't find your phone charger anywhere. MARY-KATE He's on vacation in Napal. BODYGUARD Did he tell you about it? MARY-KATE No, but I have a tracking device installed on his phone, so... so long as the phone charger brings his phone charger... BODYGUARD Finally: Christmas was months ago, but we still have the nutcracker. MARY-KATE Why did we hire a nutcracker? Nuts are gross. BODYGUARD No, the ballet. They've been doing two performances a day since November 25th. MARY-KATE God, it's like we're throwing away money. BODYGUARD That reminds me: the trash compactor is making over a million dollars. MARY-KATE Embezzlement?! BODYGUARD No, I think her paycheck was missing a decimal point. MARY-KATE ("Newman!") Calculator! BODYGUARD Calculator. MARY-KATE (sigh) All of this is sooo confusing. We should just fire everyone and get real appliances. BODYGUARD Want the driver to drive you to the store? MARY-KATE Actually, could you do it? The drive-o-matic 3000 has been glitchy and running over things, people. BODYGUARD Sure. Beat. MARY-KATE You know, you're more than just a bodyguard to me. You're my best friend. BODYGUARD I know. MARY-KATE Can I call you Best- BODYGUARD No. The coffeemaker, Juan, enters with a coffee maker, speaking Spanish. JUAN (in spanish) I heard that there was a problem with the coffee maker? MARY-KATE (hands over ears) Make it stop!