Very Mary-Kate: Dishwasher

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. CONDO - DAY

          MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are at the kitchen counter.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You're
                    pineapple-laxative-vanilla-Adderall
                    -limoncello is ready.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ew, this glass is dirty!

          She pushes the glass away.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    The new dishwasher isn't working.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Ted?  You hired him yesterday.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I knooow.  It's so hard finding
                    good human-appliance help these
                    days.
                         ("pleeease")
                    Can you fix it?

                              BODYGUARD
                    If by "fix it," you mean "fire
                    him," then yes, I'll "fix it."

                              MARY-KATE
                    Also, the coffeemaker is making
                    weird noises.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That's Spanish.  He speaks Spanish.

                              MARY-KATE
                    The foreign models are always so
                    complicated.

                              BODYGUARD
                    We have names, you know.  Like, my
                    name isn't Bodyguard, it's-

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ah, ah, ah.  If I learn your name,
                    then I have to learn everyone's
                    name.  And that's not gonna
                    hapsies.

                              BODYGUARD
                    In that case, you should know that
                    the water heater and the water
                    cooler are having a baby.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh, what are they naming it?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Luke.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Like luke warm water?

                              BODYGUARD
                    No, Berkowitz.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, right, people.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You should get them a gift.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hmm.  How about a dishwasher?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Ted?

                              MARY-KATE
                    That'll work.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What else... Ashley wants to know
                    if she can borrow your
                    hair-straightener.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Not until she returns my
                    hair-curler.

                              BODYGUARD
                    So it's a hostage situation.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Don't get the hostage negotiator
                    involved in this.  She's so shrill.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Also, I can't find your phone
                    charger anywhere.

                              MARY-KATE
                    He's on vacation in Napal.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Did he tell you about it?

                              MARY-KATE
                    No, but I have a tracking device
                    installed on his phone, so... so
                    long as the phone charger brings
                    his phone charger...

                              BODYGUARD
                    Finally: Christmas was months ago,
                    but we still have the nutcracker.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Why did we hire a nutcracker?  Nuts
                    are gross.

                              BODYGUARD
                    No, the ballet.  They've been doing
                    two performances a day since
                    November 25th.

                              MARY-KATE
                    God, it's like we're throwing away
                    money.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That reminds me: the trash
                    compactor is making over a million
                    dollars.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Embezzlement?!

                              BODYGUARD
                    No, I think her paycheck was
                    missing a decimal point.

                              MARY-KATE
                         ("Newman!")
                    Calculator!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Calculator.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (sigh)
                    All of this is sooo confusing.  We
                    should just fire everyone and get
                    real appliances.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Want the driver to drive you to the
                    store?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Actually, could you do it?  The
                    drive-o-matic 3000 has been glitchy
                    and running over things, people.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Sure.

          Beat.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You know, you're more than just a
                    bodyguard to me.  You're my best
                    friend.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I know.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Can I call you Best-

                              BODYGUARD
                    No.

          The coffeemaker, Juan, enters with a coffee maker, speaking
          Spanish.

                              JUAN
                         (in spanish)
                    I heard that there was a problem
                    with the coffee maker?

                              MARY-KATE
                         (hands over ears)
                    Make it stop!