Mary-Kate and Bodyguard may have effed up and effed.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
We're close on BODYGUARD's face as he wakes up. He looks
directly into the camera. We flip. MARY-KATE stares back.
What happened last night?
You don't remember? I spiked your
protein shake with roofies and
ecstasy. You fell asleep, but when
you woke up...
You were an animal.
A party animal.
So... we partied?
Well, we had a party in my pants.
Oh my God.
The launch party for my new line of
pants. In a giant pair of those
So we went to an actual pants
Well, we spent most of the time in
Making faces in the mirror! You
mean to tell me you don't remember
She makes a face.
We got into a cab and made out
hardcore. He forgot to put the
meter on for three blocks. That's
three free blocks! Ooh,
tongue-twister. Like you were
twisting my tongue last night.
You made me say the cab driver's
name. All those consonants shoved
up together. Like we were shoved
up together last night. In that
bathroom from earlier. It was
stuffy in there. You know what else
got stuffed last night? Me! I ate
a whole sandwich! Well, I'm
eating for two now. Ashley's on a
diet and making me text her
everything I put in my body. Like
your penis. We had sex.
We had sex?
Yes. sorry. I didn't know how to
Yeah. Crazy! Haha, crazy.
So.. so what now?
I mean, we can just be casual about
this. It can be, like, a shoes-off
There was something else... We had
sex, I'm pregnant, let's get
You're- you're pregnant?
No, I think that's all there was.
She takes his head in her hands.
Look, I know this is scary. I'm
scared too. But we're in this
now. So let's just do the right
thing. Ask me to marry you.
Make an honest woman out of me. I
mean, I'm lying through my stained
white teeth right now.
I'm effing with you. I didn't eff
you. Gross dot com slash penis
So - wait - so we didn't have sex?
No. God, get over it. You are,
She leaves, leaving Bodyguard alone.
What's for breakfast? Ooh,
nothing, my favorite!