Very Mary-Kate: Pillow Talk

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. BEDROOM - DAY

          We're close on BODYGUARD's face as he wakes up.  He looks
          directly into the camera.  We flip.  MARY-KATE stares back.

                              BODYGUARD
                         (eventually)
                    Hi.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hey.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What happened last night?

                              MARY-KATE
                    You don't remember?  I spiked your
                    protein shake with roofies and
                    ecstasy.  You fell asleep, but when
                    you woke up...
                         (seductively)
                    You were an animal.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Oh no.

                              MARY-KATE
                    A party animal.

                              BODYGUARD
                    So... we partied?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Well, we had a party in my pants.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Oh my God.

                              MARY-KATE
                    The launch party for my new line of
                    pants.  In a giant pair of those
                    pants.

                              BODYGUARD
                    So we went to an actual pants
                    party?

                              MARY-KATE
                         (seductively)
                    Well, we spent most of the time in
                    the bathroom.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Doing what?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Making faces in the mirror!  You
                    mean to tell me you don't remember
                    this?

          She makes a face.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Then what?

                              MARY-KATE
                    We got into a cab and made out
                    hardcore.  He forgot to put the
                    meter on for three blocks.  That's
                    three free blocks!  Ooh,
                    tongue-twister.  Like you were
                    twisting my tongue last night. 
                    You made me say the cab driver's
                    name.  All those consonants shoved
                    up together.  Like we were shoved
                    up together last night.  In that
                    bathroom from earlier.  It was
                    stuffy in there.  You know what else
                    got stuffed last night?  Me!  I ate
                    a whole sandwich!  Well, I'm
                    eating for two now.  Ashley's on a
                    diet and making me text her
                    everything I put in my body.  Like
                    your penis.  We had sex.

          Beat.

                              BODYGUARD
                    We did?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yes.

                              BODYGUARD
                    We had sex?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yes.  sorry.  I didn't know how to
                    tell you.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Huh.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah.  Crazy!  Haha, crazy.

                              BODYGUARD
                    So.. so what now?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I mean, we can just be casual about
                    this.  It can be, like, a shoes-off
                    beach wedding.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Wedding?

                              MARY-KATE
                    There was something else... We had
                    sex, I'm pregnant, let's get
                    married...

                              BODYGUARD
                    You're- you're pregnant?

                              MARY-KATE
                    No, I think that's all there was.

          She takes his head in her hands.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (intense)
                    Look, I know this is scary.  I'm
                    scared too.  But we're in this
                    now.  So let's just do the right
                    thing.  Ask me to marry you.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I...

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ask me.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I...

                              MARY-KATE
                    Make an honest woman out of me.  I
                    mean, I'm lying through my stained
                    white teeth right now.

          Beat.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm effing with you.  I didn't eff
                    you.  Gross dot com slash penis
                    underscore vagina.

                              BODYGUARD
                    So - wait - so we didn't have sex?

                              MARY-KATE
                    No.  God, get over it.  You are,
                    like, obsessed.

          She leaves, leaving Bodyguard alone.

                              MARY-KATE (O.S.)
                    What's for breakfast?  Ooh,
                    nothing, my favorite!

          END.