By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. BEDROOM - DAY We're close on BODYGUARD's face as he wakes up. He looks directly into the camera. We flip. MARY-KATE stares back. BODYGUARD (eventually) Hi. MARY-KATE Hey. BODYGUARD What happened last night? MARY-KATE You don't remember? I spiked your protein shake with roofies and ecstasy. You fell asleep, but when you woke up... (seductively) You were an animal. BODYGUARD Oh no. MARY-KATE A party animal. BODYGUARD So... we partied? MARY-KATE Well, we had a party in my pants. BODYGUARD Oh my God. MARY-KATE The launch party for my new line of pants. In a giant pair of those pants. BODYGUARD So we went to an actual pants party? MARY-KATE (seductively) Well, we spent most of the time in the bathroom. BODYGUARD Doing what? MARY-KATE Making faces in the mirror! You mean to tell me you don't remember this? She makes a face. BODYGUARD Then what? MARY-KATE We got into a cab and made out hardcore. He forgot to put the meter on for three blocks. That's three free blocks! Ooh, tongue-twister. Like you were twisting my tongue last night. You made me say the cab driver's name. All those consonants shoved up together. Like we were shoved up together last night. In that bathroom from earlier. It was stuffy in there. You know what else got stuffed last night? Me! I ate a whole sandwich! Well, I'm eating for two now. Ashley's on a diet and making me text her everything I put in my body. Like your penis. We had sex. Beat. BODYGUARD We did? MARY-KATE Yes. BODYGUARD We had sex? MARY-KATE Yes. sorry. I didn't know how to tell you. BODYGUARD Huh. MARY-KATE Yeah. Crazy! Haha, crazy. BODYGUARD So.. so what now? MARY-KATE I mean, we can just be casual about this. It can be, like, a shoes-off beach wedding. BODYGUARD Wedding? MARY-KATE There was something else... We had sex, I'm pregnant, let's get married... BODYGUARD You're- you're pregnant? MARY-KATE No, I think that's all there was. She takes his head in her hands. MARY-KATE (intense) Look, I know this is scary. I'm scared too. But we're in this now. So let's just do the right thing. Ask me to marry you. BODYGUARD I... MARY-KATE Ask me. BODYGUARD I... MARY-KATE Make an honest woman out of me. I mean, I'm lying through my stained white teeth right now. Beat. BODYGUARD What?! MARY-KATE I'm effing with you. I didn't eff you. Gross dot com slash penis underscore vagina. BODYGUARD So - wait - so we didn't have sex? MARY-KATE No. God, get over it. You are, like, obsessed. She leaves, leaving Bodyguard alone. MARY-KATE (O.S.) What's for breakfast? Ooh, nothing, my favorite! END.