Skyrim Hoarders

By

Emily Axford

          NOTE: This is a parody of the TV show "Hoarders."

         
          "Hoarders" Title card with dramatic music. 

          CUT TO: Glarthir, an Elf, outside of his Breezehome.

                              GLARTHIR (VO)
                         (kind of shy and ashamed)
                    My name is Glarthir. I'm a thief of
                    the Bosmer race.

          Cut to: Glarthir in front of a black backdrop. His name
          appears in the lefthand corner in white print.

                              GLARTHIR
                    I'm also a Thane of Whiterun.

          CUT TO: POV shots inside a Breezehome, items kicked about
          and tossed on the floor. 

          Title card: "The city of Whiterun has threatened to evict
          Glarthir."

          Cut to: YGGDRASIL, a Nord, standing outside Breezehome. His
          name appears in the lefthand corner in white print.

                              YGGDRASIL
                    I'm a Warrior Nord, and I’m gonna
                    help Glarthir clean up his act and
                    hopefully keep Breezehome.

          Cut to:

          INT. SKYRIM BREEZEHOME

          A third person shot of Yggdrasil, walking through Glarthir's
          Breezehome.  Yggdrasil looks around. The place is a mess.

                              YGGDRASIL
                    Oh, wow. This is... a lot of stuff.

                              GLARTHIR
                    Uh, loot. It's actually loot.

                              YGGDRASIL
                    Where do you get it all?

                              GLARTHIR (OC)
                         (quietly, a bit ashamed)
                    I stripsearch a lot of dead bodies.

          Title card: "Lydia, Glarthir's housecarl, has given him an
          ultimatum..." DISSOLVE TO: "Clean up, or she's leaving."

                              LYDIA
                         (tearfully, black backdrop)
                    I mean, I am his sword and shield,
                    but I can't live in filth anymore.

          Cut to: Breezehome. Yggdrasil is walking around. Yggdrasil
          sees a pile of Dragon bones.

                              YGGDRASIL
                    Why do you need so many dragon
                    bones?

                              GLARTHIR (OC)
                    Oh, you know, so I can make armor.

                              YGGDRASIL
                    You're a blacksmith?

                              GLARTHIR (OC)
                    ...No.

          Cut to: Yggdrasil is going through a ton of books.

                              YGGDRASIL
                    Surviving a Horker Attack Vol.
                    2...The Book of the Dragonborn??

                              GLARTHIR (OC)
                    Uh, definitely gonna read that
                    soon. Something about dragons and
                    some covenant they made. So...

                              YGGDRASIL
                    The Lusty Argonian Maid?

          Glarthir is embarrassed. Lydia is annoyed.

          Title card: "While going through a pile of arrows and bows,
          Yggdrasil makes a horrifying discovery"

                              YGGDRASIL
                         (pointing to a pile of feces)
                    It's just a pile of feces.

                              GLARTHIR
                    Good for potions. But yeah, I guess
                    that's gross.

          Cut to: Kitchen, going through piles of rotting food.

                              YGGDRASIL
                    This clam meat needs to be
                    refrigerated. What are you even
                    going to do with all this cabbage?

                              GLARTHIR (OC)
                    Fine.

          Cut to: Glarthir in third person mode. Glarthir starts
          reaching at items unsuccessfully.

                              GLARTHIR
                         (clearly lying)
                    Sorry its just like a little bit
                    harder to pick up stuff cause I'm
                    in third person mode. Yah, so...

          Title card: "Lydia's presence sends Glarthir into an
          obsessive spiral."

          Cut to: Upstairs, the master bedroom is filled with garbage
          and weapons. Lydia is throwing out a bunch of weapons.

                              GLARTHIR
                         (freaking out, to Lydia)
                    What are you doing?? I need these
                    in case I ever want to dual-wield.

          Title card: "Yggdrasil challenges Glarthir to dig deeper."

          Cut to: Yggdrasil looking directly at the camera (Glarthir).

                              YGGDRASIL
                    I need you to work with me.

          Hesitant pause. The inventory screen comes up and starts to
          scroll through his stuff.

                              GLARTHIR (OC)
                         (getting panicky)
                    Ummm, let's see, let's see...
                         (pausing on iron ore)
                    ...need to hang onto this in case I
                    find the transmute spell...
                         (pausing on jewelry)
                    ...gotta save these cause I'm gonna
                    enchant them. As soon as I increase
                    my enchanting skill.
                         (pausing on moldy pile of
                         National Geographic Magazines)
                    These are gonna be pretty valuable
                    someday... I guess I could drop...
                    uh... erm... this!

          A wooden bowl is selected and dropped. A beat. It is picked
          back up.

                              LYDIA
                    I have a bad feeling about this.

          The inventory screen goes away.

                              GLARTHIR (OC)
                    Excuse me? I'm a fucking Thane of
                    Whiterun.

          We see two hands appear in the screen, aimed at Lydia.

          Title card: "Yggdrasil takes Lydia aside to talk about
          Glarthir"

                              LYDIA
                         (tearfully)
                    I guess I just didn't know what I
                    was getting into when he came and
                    forced me into his service.

                              YGGDRASIL
                    He needs you right now, Lydia.

                              LYDIA
                    Well, I am sworn to carry his
                    burden.

          Title card: "The city health inspector has arrived to inspect
          Breezehome and decide if it's fit for occupancy."

          The City Health Inspector enters Breezehome. It's a bit
          cleaner.

                              CITY HEALTH INSPECTOR
                         (looking around)
                    You know, I used to be an
                    adventurer like you, but then I
                    took...

          Everyone groans and mumbles, thinking he's going to say "an
          arrow to the knee."

                              CITY HEALTH INSPECTOR
                         (loud, over their grumbling)
                    ...a night class in public health.
                    I took a night class in public
                    health. Geez.

          END.