Butler stays abreast of Maggie Smith's love life.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
The kitchen looks more elegant than usual. BODYGUARD, now
BUTLER, is dressed in a tux.
Your Earl Biege tea is ready.
Very Mary-Kate is now MAGGIE SMITH.
It's about time. Years of
innovation, and yet water still
takes as long to boil.
In all fairness, m'lady, you refuse
to buy an electric kettle.
If I wanted to risk electrocution,
I would make a dildo of a Dust
Oh, I won't. Masturbation is for
the young and antisocial.
So you've never-
Once, accidentally. I went
searching for a button that had
fallen through a hole in my pants
pocket, when I came up on another
hole, and found another button.
We are talking about-
My Vanessa Redgrave? My Clint
Butler pukes a little in his mouth.
Did you vomit in your mouth?
Butler shakes his head no.
Then open your mouth.
Butler shakes his head no again.
Butler pukes in a garbage can.
Mystery solved. This is the worst
revival of Sherlock Holmes to date.
Now if you don't mind, m'lady, I'll
be taking lunch.
Yes, well I lost the noon one.
Why, pray tell, are you so
disgusted by my sexuality? The
best sex I ever had was in my 80s,
back in 1963.
Forgive me, my lady. I had old
fish. I mean, spoiled meat. I
mean grey... loose... shriveled...
You, sir, are an ageist!
An ageist. Discriminatory against
a certain age.
I'm not, m'lady, I assure you.
Touch my tit.
Touch my tit and prove your lack of
So it's pride or prejudice, then?
Very witty, now my titty.
Slowly, he does.
Lower. Lower. Bullseye.
He pukes in his mouth again.
Oh dear. Did you barf, or did I
just turn you into a bullfrog?
He makes a struggling noise.
The way I see it, this can end one
of two ways. Either you spit, thus
proving your awful prejudice, or
you swallow, and work for me
He slowly gulps.
Well done. Now get your hand off
my tit, I'm not a prostitute.