Butler stays abreast of Maggie Smith's love life.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. KITCHEN The kitchen looks more elegant than usual. BODYGUARD, now BUTLER, is dressed in a tux. BUTLER Your Earl Biege tea is ready. Very Mary-Kate is now MAGGIE SMITH. MAGGIE It's about time. Years of innovation, and yet water still takes as long to boil. BUTLER In all fairness, m'lady, you refuse to buy an electric kettle. MAGGIE If I wanted to risk electrocution, I would make a dildo of a Dust Buster. BUTLER Please don't. MAGGIE Oh, I won't. Masturbation is for the young and antisocial. BUTLER So you've never- MAGGIE Once, accidentally. I went searching for a button that had fallen through a hole in my pants pocket, when I came up on another hole, and found another button. BUTLER We are talking about- MAGGIE My Vanessa Redgrave? My Clint Eastwood? Butler pukes a little in his mouth. MAGGIE (CONT.) Did you vomit in your mouth? Butler shakes his head no. MAGGIE (CONT.) Then open your mouth. Butler shakes his head no again. MAGGIE (CONT.) A mystery! Butler pukes in a garbage can. MAGGIE (CONT.) Mystery solved. This is the worst revival of Sherlock Holmes to date. BUTLER Now if you don't mind, m'lady, I'll be taking lunch. MAGGIE It's 4pm. BUTLER Yes, well I lost the noon one. MAGGIE Why, pray tell, are you so disgusted by my sexuality? The best sex I ever had was in my 80s, back in 1963. BUTLER Forgive me, my lady. I had old fish. I mean, spoiled meat. I mean grey... loose... shriveled... eggs? MAGGIE (aghast) You, sir, are an ageist! BUTLER A what? MAGGIE An ageist. Discriminatory against a certain age. BUTLER I'm not, m'lady, I assure you. MAGGIE Touch my tit. BUTLER Beg pardon? MAGGIE Touch my tit and prove your lack of prejudice. BUTLER So it's pride or prejudice, then? MAGGIE Very witty, now my titty. Slowly, he does. MAGGIE Lower. Lower. Bullseye. He pukes in his mouth again. MAGGIE Oh dear. Did you barf, or did I just turn you into a bullfrog? He makes a struggling noise. MAGGIE (CONT.) The way I see it, this can end one of two ways. Either you spit, thus proving your awful prejudice, or you swallow, and work for me another day. He slowly gulps. MAGGIE (CONT.) Well done. Now get your hand off my tit, I'm not a prostitute. End.