Very Maggie Smith: Sex and Sexuality

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. KITCHEN

          The kitchen looks more elegant than usual.  BODYGUARD, now
          BUTLER, is dressed in a tux.

                              BUTLER
                    Your Earl Biege tea is ready.

          Very Mary-Kate is now MAGGIE SMITH.

                              MAGGIE
                    It's about time.  Years of
                    innovation, and yet water still
                    takes as long to boil.

                              BUTLER
                    In all fairness, m'lady, you refuse
                    to buy an electric kettle.

                              MAGGIE
                    If I wanted to risk electrocution,
                    I would make a dildo of a Dust
                    Buster.

                              BUTLER
                    Please don't.

                              MAGGIE
                    Oh, I won't.  Masturbation is for
                    the young and antisocial.

                              BUTLER
                    So you've never-

                              MAGGIE
                    Once, accidentally.  I went
                    searching for a button that had
                    fallen through a hole in my pants
                    pocket, when I came up on another
                    hole, and found another button.

                              BUTLER
                    We are talking about-

                              MAGGIE
                    My Vanessa Redgrave?  My Clint
                    Eastwood?

          Butler pukes a little in his mouth.

                              MAGGIE (CONT.)
                    Did you vomit in your mouth?

          Butler shakes his head no.

                              MAGGIE (CONT.)
                    Then open your mouth.

          Butler shakes his head no again.

                              MAGGIE (CONT.)
                    A mystery!

          Butler pukes in a garbage can.

                              MAGGIE (CONT.)
                    Mystery solved.  This is the worst
                    revival of Sherlock Holmes to date.

                              BUTLER
                    Now if you don't mind, m'lady, I'll
                    be taking lunch.

                              MAGGIE
                    It's 4pm.

                              BUTLER
                    Yes, well I lost the noon one.

                              MAGGIE
                    Why, pray tell, are you so
                    disgusted by my sexuality?  The
                    best sex I ever had was in my 80s,
                    back in 1963.

                              BUTLER
                    Forgive me, my lady.  I had old
                    fish.  I mean, spoiled meat.  I
                    mean grey... loose... shriveled...
                    eggs?

                              MAGGIE
                         (aghast)
                    You, sir, are an ageist!

                              BUTLER
                    A what?

                              MAGGIE
                    An ageist.  Discriminatory against
                    a certain age.

                              BUTLER
                    I'm not, m'lady, I assure you.

                              MAGGIE
                    Touch my tit.

                              BUTLER
                    Beg pardon?

                              MAGGIE
                    Touch my tit and prove your lack of
                    prejudice.

                              BUTLER
                    So it's pride or prejudice, then?

                              MAGGIE
                    Very witty, now my titty.

          Slowly, he does.

                              MAGGIE
                    Lower.  Lower.  Bullseye.

          He pukes in his mouth again.

                              MAGGIE
                    Oh dear.  Did you barf, or did I
                    just turn you into a bullfrog?

          He makes a struggling noise.

                              MAGGIE (CONT.)
                    The way I see it, this can end one
                    of two ways.  Either you spit, thus
                    proving your awful prejudice, or
                    you swallow, and work for me
                    another day.

          He slowly gulps.

                              MAGGIE (CONT.)
                    Well done.  Now get your hand off
                    my tit, I'm not a prostitute.

          End.