Yes or No Game Show (with Regis Philbin)

By

Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch

          INT. DRAMATIC GAME SHOW SET

          Back from a commercial break. CAMERA PANS around: blue
          lights, studio audience. It's a cross between "Millionaire"
          and "The Price Is Right" - intense, w/ a touch of attitude.
          Everything moves fast. LIGHTNING FAST CUTS throughout.

          REGIS PHILBIN sits across from a slightly younger
          contestant, RAYMOND.

                              REGIS
                    Welcome back! I'm here with
                    Raymond, he's an optometrist's
                    assistant from Duluth. How do you
                    feel, Raymond?

                              RAYMOND
                    Excited! Really prepared!

                              REGIS
                    Then let's play!

          Dramatic MUSIC. The audience gets pumped.

                              REGIS
                         (reading monitor)
                    Your first question, for 100
                    dollars: Yes, or No?

          A "Millionaire"-like graphic shows the question "YES or NO,"
          and beneath it two possible answers: "YES" or "NO." This is
          the easy round, and Raymond answers with little hesitation.
          The audience responds with appropriate clapping.

                              RAYMOND
                    No.

                              REGIS
                    That's right. For 200 dollars: Yes,
                    or No?

          Same exact question-and-answer graphic.

                              RAYMOND
                    No.

                              REGIS
                    You got it. Here's the $500
                    question: Yes, or No?

          The audience snickers - one of these answers is silly.

                              RAYMOND
                    Well, I'm sure at some point we've
                    all wished it was "No."
                         (the audience chuckles)
                    But I'm gonna go with "Yes."

                              REGIS
                    Raymond, you just won 500 dollars!

          The lights change; things get more dramatic.

                              REGIS
                    Okay, Raymond. We're playing for
                    bigger money now, questions are
                    gonna get harder. Yes, or No?

          Concerned murmurs from the audience.

                              RAYMOND
                    Hm. I feel like I have heard "No"
                    before, but growing up on the East
                    Coast, I can tell you that it's
                    Yes.

                              REGIS
                    It's "Yes!" Next question, and
                    listen carefully: Yes, or No?

                              RAYMOND
                         (instantly)
                    I have no idea, I'm gonna have to
                    use my "Pass."

                              REGIS
                    He's gonna use his "Pass," let's
                    see what the next question has in
                    store for him!

          The question graphic CHEESILY SWIRLS into a new question
          graphic: the exact same as ever, "Yes" or "No."

                              REGIS
                    Yes or No?

                              RAYMOND
                    Gosh, you know, they were just
                    talking about this on the radio,
                    but right now it is escaping me.
                    I'd like to Poll the Audience.

          Three seconds of stupid BOOPING SFX as the audience
          furiously punches their complex answers into keypads.

          A BAR GRAPH appears on-screen. Two bars rise to EXACTLY 50%
          EACH: half "Yes," half "No."

                              REGIS
                    Ah, not again. Split down the
                    middle. Raymond, take all the time
                    you need.

                              RAYMOND
                    Ugh! I should've paid attention in
                    class.

                              REGIS
                         (mean)
                    Yes. You should have.

                              RAY
                    It could be yes. But, then again,
                    "no," you know?

                              REGIS
                    I'm going to need an answer.

                              RAYMOND (EYES CLOSED)
                    No.

                              REGIS
                    Right on the money!

          The audience gasps, cheers. Suddenly CUT TO a guy in a
          stupid DOLLAR SIGN suit. He wails on an electric guitar for
          a lightning-fast riff. The LIGHTS flash.

                              REGIS
                         (becoming slightly unhinged)
                    Whoa!!! Hold on to your bottoms,
                    Raymond's made it to the Video
                    Question! Take a look...

          A pre-taped video FLIPS onto the screen, a la Daily Double.
          It's a WOMAN, wearing a cowboy hat.

                              WOMAN
                    Yee-haw! Jewel here at the
                    world-famous Broken Spoke bar in
                    Missoula, South Montony! Yes, or
                    no?!

          CUT back to Raymond and Regis.

                              REGIS
                    I just love her.

                              RAYMOND
                    She's the best -- NO!

                              REGIS
                    Let's go to the judge.

                              REGIS
                    Your fat ass got it right, Raymond!
                    For one billion dollars, here's the
                    final question: Yes, or No?

                              RAYMOND
                    I'm gonna call my mom.

          PHONE RINGS. An older woman's voice is heard - his MOM.

                              RAYMOND'S MOM
                         ("Hello?")
                    Yes?

                              RAYMOND
                    Yes or no?

                              RAYMOND'S MOM
                    Yes.

                              RAYMOND
                         (to REGIS)
                    Yes.

                              REGIS
                         ("is that your answer?")
                    Yes?

                              RAYMOND
                    Yes, "yes."

                              REGIS
                    No.

                              RAYMOND
                         (upset)
                    NOOO!

                              REGIS
                         ("that is correct")
                    Yes.

                              RAYMOND
                         ("it was?")
                    Yes?

                              REGIS
                    Yes!

                              RAYMOND
                    YES!!!

          The audience goes BATSHIT CRAZY. Beat.

                              REGIS
                    No.

                              RAYMOND
                    Fuck.

          SUDDEN CUT TO BLACK. END.