CollegeHumor, Regis Philbin, and Jewel boil "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" down to the basics.
By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
INT. DRAMATIC GAME SHOW SET
Back from a commercial break. CAMERA PANS around: blue
lights, studio audience. It's a cross between "Millionaire"
and "The Price Is Right" - intense, w/ a touch of attitude.
Everything moves fast. LIGHTNING FAST CUTS throughout.
REGIS PHILBIN sits across from a slightly younger
Welcome back! I'm here with
Raymond, he's an optometrist's
assistant from Duluth. How do you
Excited! Really prepared!
Then let's play!
Dramatic MUSIC. The audience gets pumped.
Your first question, for 100
dollars: Yes, or No?
A "Millionaire"-like graphic shows the question "YES or NO,"
and beneath it two possible answers: "YES" or "NO." This is
the easy round, and Raymond answers with little hesitation.
The audience responds with appropriate clapping.
That's right. For 200 dollars: Yes,
Same exact question-and-answer graphic.
You got it. Here's the $500
question: Yes, or No?
The audience snickers - one of these answers is silly.
Well, I'm sure at some point we've
all wished it was "No."
(the audience chuckles)
But I'm gonna go with "Yes."
Raymond, you just won 500 dollars!
The lights change; things get more dramatic.
Okay, Raymond. We're playing for
bigger money now, questions are
gonna get harder. Yes, or No?
Concerned murmurs from the audience.
Hm. I feel like I have heard "No"
before, but growing up on the East
Coast, I can tell you that it's
It's "Yes!" Next question, and
listen carefully: Yes, or No?
I have no idea, I'm gonna have to
use my "Pass."
He's gonna use his "Pass," let's
see what the next question has in
store for him!
The question graphic CHEESILY SWIRLS into a new question
graphic: the exact same as ever, "Yes" or "No."
Yes or No?
Gosh, you know, they were just
talking about this on the radio,
but right now it is escaping me.
I'd like to Poll the Audience.
Three seconds of stupid BOOPING SFX as the audience
furiously punches their complex answers into keypads.
A BAR GRAPH appears on-screen. Two bars rise to EXACTLY 50%
EACH: half "Yes," half "No."
Ah, not again. Split down the
middle. Raymond, take all the time
Ugh! I should've paid attention in
Yes. You should have.
It could be yes. But, then again,
"no," you know?
I'm going to need an answer.
RAYMOND (EYES CLOSED)
Right on the money!
The audience gasps, cheers. Suddenly CUT TO a guy in a
stupid DOLLAR SIGN suit. He wails on an electric guitar for
a lightning-fast riff. The LIGHTS flash.
(becoming slightly unhinged)
Whoa!!! Hold on to your bottoms,
Raymond's made it to the Video
Question! Take a look...
A pre-taped video FLIPS onto the screen, a la Daily Double.
It's a WOMAN, wearing a cowboy hat.
Yee-haw! Jewel here at the
world-famous Broken Spoke bar in
Missoula, South Montony! Yes, or
CUT back to Raymond and Regis.
I just love her.
She's the best -- NO!
Let's go to the judge.
Your fat ass got it right, Raymond!
For one billion dollars, here's the
final question: Yes, or No?
I'm gonna call my mom.
PHONE RINGS. An older woman's voice is heard - his MOM.
Yes or no?
("is that your answer?")
("that is correct")
The audience goes BATSHIT CRAZY. Beat.
SUDDEN CUT TO BLACK. END.