CollegeHumor, Regis Philbin, and Jewel boil "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" down to the basics.
By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
INT. DRAMATIC GAME SHOW SET Back from a commercial break. CAMERA PANS around: blue lights, studio audience. It's a cross between "Millionaire" and "The Price Is Right" - intense, w/ a touch of attitude. Everything moves fast. LIGHTNING FAST CUTS throughout. REGIS PHILBIN sits across from a slightly younger contestant, RAYMOND. REGIS Welcome back! I'm here with Raymond, he's an optometrist's assistant from Duluth. How do you feel, Raymond? RAYMOND Excited! Really prepared! REGIS Then let's play! Dramatic MUSIC. The audience gets pumped. REGIS (reading monitor) Your first question, for 100 dollars: Yes, or No? A "Millionaire"-like graphic shows the question "YES or NO," and beneath it two possible answers: "YES" or "NO." This is the easy round, and Raymond answers with little hesitation. The audience responds with appropriate clapping. RAYMOND No. REGIS That's right. For 200 dollars: Yes, or No? Same exact question-and-answer graphic. RAYMOND No. REGIS You got it. Here's the $500 question: Yes, or No? The audience snickers - one of these answers is silly. RAYMOND Well, I'm sure at some point we've all wished it was "No." (the audience chuckles) But I'm gonna go with "Yes." REGIS Raymond, you just won 500 dollars! The lights change; things get more dramatic. REGIS Okay, Raymond. We're playing for bigger money now, questions are gonna get harder. Yes, or No? Concerned murmurs from the audience. RAYMOND Hm. I feel like I have heard "No" before, but growing up on the East Coast, I can tell you that it's Yes. REGIS It's "Yes!" Next question, and listen carefully: Yes, or No? RAYMOND (instantly) I have no idea, I'm gonna have to use my "Pass." REGIS He's gonna use his "Pass," let's see what the next question has in store for him! The question graphic CHEESILY SWIRLS into a new question graphic: the exact same as ever, "Yes" or "No." REGIS Yes or No? RAYMOND Gosh, you know, they were just talking about this on the radio, but right now it is escaping me. I'd like to Poll the Audience. Three seconds of stupid BOOPING SFX as the audience furiously punches their complex answers into keypads. A BAR GRAPH appears on-screen. Two bars rise to EXACTLY 50% EACH: half "Yes," half "No." REGIS Ah, not again. Split down the middle. Raymond, take all the time you need. RAYMOND Ugh! I should've paid attention in class. REGIS (mean) Yes. You should have. RAY It could be yes. But, then again, "no," you know? REGIS I'm going to need an answer. RAYMOND (EYES CLOSED) No. REGIS Right on the money! The audience gasps, cheers. Suddenly CUT TO a guy in a stupid DOLLAR SIGN suit. He wails on an electric guitar for a lightning-fast riff. The LIGHTS flash. REGIS (becoming slightly unhinged) Whoa!!! Hold on to your bottoms, Raymond's made it to the Video Question! Take a look... A pre-taped video FLIPS onto the screen, a la Daily Double. It's a WOMAN, wearing a cowboy hat. WOMAN Yee-haw! Jewel here at the world-famous Broken Spoke bar in Missoula, South Montony! Yes, or no?! CUT back to Raymond and Regis. REGIS I just love her. RAYMOND She's the best -- NO! REGIS Let's go to the judge. REGIS Your fat ass got it right, Raymond! For one billion dollars, here's the final question: Yes, or No? RAYMOND I'm gonna call my mom. PHONE RINGS. An older woman's voice is heard - his MOM. RAYMOND'S MOM ("Hello?") Yes? RAYMOND Yes or no? RAYMOND'S MOM Yes. RAYMOND (to REGIS) Yes. REGIS ("is that your answer?") Yes? RAYMOND Yes, "yes." REGIS No. RAYMOND (upset) NOOO! REGIS ("that is correct") Yes. RAYMOND ("it was?") Yes? REGIS Yes! RAYMOND YES!!! The audience goes BATSHIT CRAZY. Beat. REGIS No. RAYMOND Fuck. SUDDEN CUT TO BLACK. END.